I don’t know if it’s just that it’s very hot lately, and the heat makes me tired and sick, or if I’m on the verge of full-on relapse.
My behaviours are still not good. I’ve maintained my weight but I’ve been bingeing and purging all over the place. Lately I’ve gone back to that pattern of not keeping anything down at all and finding it hard to eat or drink anyway.
I don’t want to go back.. not after all this time experiencing freedom and a better life than i had. I just have to think of the HDU to cringe, to want to run and run and never stop running.
And could my body take it again? I don’t think so.
I have to choose, I have to choose to live. Or choose to die. And if I don’t grab life and turn this around, then that is choosing to die.
I am not ready to give up yet. I’m exhausted, every day I wonder if I can possibly keep going another day… but I’m not ready to lie down and let it win. I hope I never am.