I don’t know if it’s just that it’s very hot lately, and the heat makes me tired and sick, or if I’m on the verge of full-on relapse.
My behaviours are still not good. I’ve maintained my weight but I’ve been bingeing and purging all over the place. Lately I’ve gone back to that pattern of not keeping anything down at all and finding it hard to eat or drink anyway.
I don’t want to go back.. not after all this time experiencing freedom and a better life than i had. I just have to think of the HDU to cringe, to want to run and run and never stop running.
And could my body take it again? I don’t think so.
I have to choose, I have to choose to live. Or choose to die. And if I don’t grab life and turn this around, then that is choosing to die.
I am not ready to give up yet. I’m exhausted, every day I wonder if I can possibly keep going another day… but I’m not ready to lie down and let it win. I hope I never am.
don’t give up!!! the very fact that you don’t want to let it win means it won’t. not that it will be easy, but it won’t win. thinking of you. xo.
Thank you so much Nataly! xxx
i suspected that perhaps you were experiencing something like this again. your absence from the blog planet prompted me to think so. because of our facebook interaction, however, something told me, “no, she’s just busy. she’s active on facebook, so don’t worry.” but worry i should have! i’m so sorry that you’re bingeing and purging. although it’s been a year and a half for me, those bulimic memories seem just like yesterday. i hate that you’re going through this, and i hope that you’ll go back into a better state of health, very soon. x
and if you don’t do this for yourself, do it for shalimar. x
YES doing it for shalimar has kept me fighting for years. She is my ‘baby’ and to abandon her because of this would be as heartbreaking as abandoning a child. I owe it to her to give her a healthy and happy life. Shalimar and Gwendolyn are so very precious! xx
i couldn’t agree more. they are our life savers (and i don’t mean the candy!). x
Yes, you are very perceptive… my brain has switched over into poor-cognitive, tired, snappy, generally befuddled and not a nice person mode… I’m here on FB but that’s about it. FB at night became my distraction technique to try and cope without the b/p, but lately it seems to have become in addition to the b/p. Gah.
I am so glad that the bulimia is but a memory for you, and I know that it will always be a horrifying memory – but that’s a good way to remind yourself of why you are fighting when life gets hard. I’m glad I have friends like you to remind me that there is a way to cope without this, that the sky won’t fall without this.. and that life is actually BETTER without this – so thank you xx
you thank me? well, i thank you. tremendously. we are girlfriends for life! x
I like what Nataly said, and I think it’s very true
Not wanting it to win is a huge deal and worth A LOT.
Though the weather is disgustingly hot lately. Fucking summer.
Yes in Brisbane I think they are roasting us all for a collective offering to the Gods!!!
How are you coping? Do you have a pool or air con or something?
And yes, not wanting it to win is vital. And getting angry at it.
I hope you are going okay too xxx
Ha I wish! I don’t even have a fan at the moment! Though I’ve been sick lately, so going from sweat to chills means at least sometimes I’m cold
haha
Oh that sucks, I hope you feel better soon. xxx
I want you to LIVE.
Please LIVE.
Love you, my blog friend.
I’m not giving up, Greta – thank you for the encouragement xxx
Don’t give up, you’re stronger than “it”.
Good luck and best wishes from here xx
Thank you so much, Juljen. I won’t give up. I’m just honored that so many people care xx
[...] my blogs seem to be one long complaint.. but I feel like I’m holding back. The other day in my shaky ground post I touched on the reality. But I still pretend things are far better than they [...]