I’m going to have one. I find it really hard to complain, to rant or whinge, to tell things as they are.
Actually my blogs seem to be one long complaint.. but I feel like I’m holding back. The other day in my shaky ground post I touched on the reality. But I still pretend things are far better than they are.
It’s ALL IN MY HEAD. That is what makes it so hard. Outwardly people are amazed and pleased at how ‘well’ I’m going. I look healthier than I have in years. I look happier. I sparkle. I seem to cope.
The reality is I’m not coping. I’m freaking out. I can’t cope with life, full stop. Every day is filled with dread. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever and pretend I’m not even there.
Every day I still wish I could die. Just to get it over with. I don’t WANT to die.. but it seems like life is never going to be okay. I’m never going to be okay. I’m always going to be on the fringe of things, outside, looking in. An observer, a pretender, but not really part of it, because I can’t FEEL the part. I’m numb, lost, scared. But I’m not numb at the same time. I’m anxious, terrified, panicked, frustrated, depressed.
And so, so TIRED.
God, I’m so tired.
We just don’t get a break in life, do we? It just keeps on coming. There isn’t a pause button and there needs to be one!
I don’t know what to do. Something has to give, and yet nothing seems to be likely to. Life is just too hard for me at the moment and yet I have to keep fighting anyway.
How do you cope when life is just too much?
when life is too much, i strap up gwendolyn, and we walk. and we don’t stop walking for many hours. it clears my head like nothing else (and i probably secretly like the extra calorie burn). i spotted a cute tiny purple leash and collar at juicy couture today. perfect for shalimar, i thought.
That is so wonderful. Walks clear my head too. I wish I could take shalimar for long distance walks… I can’t wait to move so I can romp with her all the time in our own garden
I’m so glad you have Gwendolyn, she is your angel – as Shalimar is mine xx
Ranting is good. I don’t go it to actual people but online I go all out XD. You can’t keep everything inside, no matter how good you are at it or how wrong it feels to let it out, it just doesn’t work. Online is good cause people only read if they want to, so it’s not like… burdening others as much?
“An observer, a pretender, but not really part of it, because I can’t FEEL the part. I’m numb, lost, scared. But I’m not numb at the same time. I’m anxious, terrified, panicked, frustrated, depressed.” <– I get that so much it's scary. I'm so sorry you feel that way too. I know how awful it is
So yes, heres wishing for magic wands haha
I have a really hard time coping. When I get overwhelmed, I tend to shut down and can’t do anything. I wish I knew better ways to cope and deal with stress. I’ve been feeling the same way as you’ve been feeling lately. It’s awful. Talking sometimes helps, like to a friend or someone who understands but won’t judge or “help” by trying to get you to change. Sometimes I’ll go skate to clear my head but other times skating is another stressor in my life. Mostly I just want to sleep forever and run away from my problems.