I’m going to have one. I find it really hard to complain, to rant or whinge, to tell things as they are.
Actually my blogs seem to be one long complaint.. but I feel like I’m holding back. The other day in my shaky ground post I touched on the reality. But I still pretend things are far better than they are.
It’s ALL IN MY HEAD. That is what makes it so hard. Outwardly people are amazed and pleased at how ‘well’ I’m going. I look healthier than I have in years. I look happier. I sparkle. I seem to cope.
The reality is I’m not coping. I’m freaking out. I can’t cope with life, full stop. Every day is filled with dread. I want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever and pretend I’m not even there.
Every day I still wish I could die. Just to get it over with. I don’t WANT to die.. but it seems like life is never going to be okay. I’m never going to be okay. I’m always going to be on the fringe of things, outside, looking in. An observer, a pretender, but not really part of it, because I can’t FEEL the part. I’m numb, lost, scared. But I’m not numb at the same time. I’m anxious, terrified, panicked, frustrated, depressed.
And so, so TIRED.
God, I’m so tired.
We just don’t get a break in life, do we? It just keeps on coming. There isn’t a pause button and there needs to be one!
I don’t know what to do. Something has to give, and yet nothing seems to be likely to. Life is just too hard for me at the moment and yet I have to keep fighting anyway.
How do you cope when life is just too much?