I don’t want to end up having one of those blogs that is nothing but whinge, whinge, whinge!! And yet if I am true to how I’m feeling lately, that’s the way it’s going to go.
Depression is the pits… it’s really weighing me down and tormenting me. Add to that the fatigue… and I’m out for the count. When I’m not sleeping (or trying to sleep) I’m slow, tired, tired, tired tired… boring, selfish, unable to engage in the chats with my close friends meaning that they wonder what THEY have done wrong when it’s really just me being blah…
And this is all part of the whole nightmare of my eating disorder. And there are people out there who WANT TO BE THIS WAY? Call the men in white coats! They are the nuttiest of the nuts, believe me.
Yeah… i don’t understand people who want to have an ED, and why they think they HAVE an ed a lot of the time. I’m sure most of us have seen way too many examples of the people I mean. The “I <3 Ana 4eva” kind of person, whose current weight is over 200 pounds. They call their diet Ana… WTF? If only they knew the reality. Why are there so many of them out there? They infuriate me.
This is a mental illness. A lot of the time it isn’t really even about the food and weight apart from on the surface. The illness is like that onion where you just keep peeling layer after layer away and it takes a lot of peeling and tears to reach the core of it. I know for me, it’s more about just coping with an un-copeable life. With abuse, when I couldn’t bear to deal with it. With self-hatred, when i could only express it in terms of my body. And so much more. But take away the food and weight and it’s still there.
This is not a choice. We don’t have a choice to develop anorexia or bulimia. We don’t just wake up one day and go, “cool, I want to lose weight, I think I’ll go ana.” The only choice we have, is when we know what the beast is, to fight it. I have been fighting it but OH it’s an everlasting pain in the butt.
This post is a bit of a pointless ramble. I wanted to blog, but I had nothing to blog about. life isn’t amazing and glamorous with an eating disorder. It’s stressful, boring, miserable, EMPTY. I don’t work. I don’t play. I don’t do much to report. I go to appointments, I sleep. I have added back walking, reading, computer time, hydrotherapy… and that’s still about it. You can’t have a life and an eating disorder – the two just don’t go together.
So the next time you think you want to lose weight the ‘glamorous’ way and how cool that will make you… think again.
next time you obsess over how pretty ana or mia will make you, consider dry flaky skin, wrinkles, falling out hair, rotten teeth, blue hands and feet, infected nails, infected everywhere, skin infections, acne like you can’t believe.. and that’s just the outside tip of the iceberg.
think of how pretty you will look in your coffin.
If you still want this…
I pity you.