February 29, 2012 by Fiona

Be Aware

Reblogged from disenchantED:

It's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and that means several things:

-more people than usual will try to stage "interventions" on their friends, who may or may not be eating disordered;

-everyone on the blogosphere will suddenly remember they once had an "eating disorder", and emote about it extensively;

-a ridiculous amount of incorrect statistics (25% OF WOMEN HAVE AN EATING DISORDER!!!

Thoughts on Being "Othered".

Reblogged from Fat Heffalump:

A few days ago I was writing an email to a friend of mine about fat, fashion and marginalisation, and while I was doing so, quite a few things kind of went "Ping!" in my head, and I realised I wanted to expand upon the subject in a general sense here on my blog. We were talking about how many fat women feel about clothing and fashion, and the desperation so many of us feel when trying to find clothes that fit us, suit our lives, we like, make us feel good, and that are fashionable.

Here Are Some Vintage Ads To Remind Us How Far We’ve Come In Gender Equality | lovelyish

In Today’s world this image would cause a stir for a much different reason than it did when it actually came out, say 60 years ago.

Here Are Some Vintage Ads To Remind Us How Far We’ve Come In Gender Equality | lovelyish.

Now we recognise this as domestic violence, and know that it is not okay.

So many things have changed in the years since our parents were children. Body ideals, attitudes and equality between genders, fashions, technology.. so much more.

Have a look at this post on Lovelyish on Xanga.

February 26, 2012 by Fiona

Untwisting eating disorder talk – June Alexander

Untwisting eating disorder talk – June Alexander.

This is your chance to participate in a book to help ‘decode’ the twisted language of eating disorders and explain where the message gets lost between often well meaning people without an eating disorder, and those with one.

You totally know you want to do it! Get cracking over to June Alexander’s blog to read more.

Submissions close March 30 2012.

February 26, 2012 by Fiona

Self-Blame and Taking Responsibility | Personal Development – UrbanMonk.Net

Self-Blame and Taking Responsibility | Personal Development – UrbanMonk.Net.

I believe that no matter what life throws at us, we are responsible for our actions and reactions. We cannot choose to have an illness or for something bad to have happened but we choose how we take that and go with it.

It’s not our fault, but it is our responsibility now.

“None of this is your fault,” I said to him, and noted the look of surprise on his face. “Most of the stuff in our minds are not there by our choice. Our minds have evolved to be on the lookout for danger. And we need them to – even today, in many parts of the world, danger, disease, and wild animals are a real and everyday threat. For those of us who are lucky enough to live in a country where we are relatively safe, our minds then start looking out for other types of danger – social threats like rejection and humiliation, for example, or financial threats. It’s just the way our minds work.”

“Add to this, all the bad stuff that happened to us when we were children.” The man nodded – he had recognised that he had grew up in a place where physical and emotional abuse was the norm. He had also begun to make the link between his childhood, where he had to protect himself from humiliation and abuse daily, to his hyper-sensitivity to humiliation now as an adult. “None of that was our fault. We did not choose to have childhood experiences like that. We were too young to leave, or to protect ourselves, or to see that we did not deserve it. We did not know that what happened was wrong; as children, we falsely believe that we deserved it. An innocent little mind, taking the blame on itself, because it knows no other way. Because it was too sweet and kind to blame the other, so it blames itself.”

“So, now your mind has been exposed to all these horrible childhood experiences, and it has taken on beliefs as a result. Beliefs like – I deserve to be humiliated. People will always abandon me.False beliefs, but very strong ones nonetheless. Again, none of this is your fault. The way you acted with your girlfriend was not your fault, the fear and the anger you felt was not your fault. It came simply from the result of your childhood experiences, combined with the way the mind works.”

February 26, 2012 by Fiona

My mother. The alcoholic.

Reblogged from katieinwonderlandx:

I was watching this week’s Panorama, and it’s got me all obsessive thinking about my mother, and specifically her alcoholism. More about what it was like watching what she did to herself. I was really young, my mum was an alcoholic long before I was born, and so it’s only now that I’m older and have better understanding of such things, that I know what was really going on.

Diabulimia – ED-DM1

In the spirit of Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I wanted to write about a disorder that I realised tonight I actually know very little about. If someone who has lived most of their life with a serious eating disorder, doesn’t know about any type of eating disorder – then what hope is there for the rest of the world?

So, have you ever heard of Diabulimia – also known as ED-DM1?

I was vaguely aware before tonight that some people who have Type 1 Diabetes AND an eating disorder, sometimes skip taking their insulin in order to lose weight. But until a friend posted that she has Diabulimia in a group tonight, I had no idea how widespread or how lethal this can be.

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Imagine all the possible complications of anorexia and bulimia, compounded by the complications of diabetes. We have a whole new monster.

From Wikipedia:

A person with diabulimia, especially if not caught and treated early, is likely to suffer the negative effects on the body of diabetes earlier than a person with diabetes who is managing their diabetes in a faithful manner. Long-term potential repercussions of diabetes include renal failure, blindness and diabetic neuropathy. With diabulimia there is an increased chance of death. Diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA) is very common in persons with Type 1 diabetes who have diabulimia. This is due to the body’s need for a constant supply of energy, which lack of insulin prevents. DKA is a very serious condition that occurs when one doesn’t have enough insulin; without treatment it results in death within a very short span of time.

Diabulimia isn’t formally recognised in the psychiatric community as an eating disorder, and yet it IS in every sense of the word. It often seems to be triggered by the need to already stringently control the dietary intake to manage diabetes, and is especially common in young women who find that their diabetes lifestyle might lead to weight gain. They will begin to neglect their insulin injections in order to avoid this weight gain, or in order to lose weight. Often it begins without any intent – you simply forget your insulin often enough to notice it causes weight loss, and hey, that seems so easy..

A deadly trap like any other eating disorder.

Following a diagnosis of Type 1 diabetes, a patient is prescribed insulin injections, given a controlled diet, and must check blood sugarseveral times a day. This lifestyle may result in weight gain, which some (particularly teen girls) may be unhappy about. This may lead them to neglect their insulin treatment for the purpose of losing weight.

Failure to administer insulin places the body in a starvation state, resulting in breakdown of muscle and fat into ketone bodies and subsequently ketoacids, while at the same time making the body unable to process sugars that have been consumed, so the sugars are excreted in the urine rather than being used by the body for energy or stored as fat. This typically results in significant weight loss but also places the patient at risk of a life-threatening condition known as diabetic ketoacidosis. Prolonged failure to administer insulin results in long-term complications such as diabetic neuropathy. Insulin restriction is associated not only with increased rates of diabetes complications but increased mortality risk as well. Diabetics who restrict insulin die at earlier ages on average than those diabetics who use insulin properly. (source)

I had a look around some groups I found on facebook to support people living with Diabulimia, just out of interest. They seem to have added particular issues with bingeing and purging – caused no doubt by blood sugar irregularities – oedema, feelings of betrayal by their bodies..

It’s terrifying that someone could do something that puts their life in such threat – real threat of death. Sufferers tell stories of constantly going into Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) resulting in collapse and near death. One lady on a forum told of her sister, now 40, a diabulimic, who had developed neuropathy and was now blind and needed 24 hour care.

And yet being threatened with, and close to, death, did not help me in the heights of my own illness. It was terrifying to know how close I was to dying, how what I was doing was killing me, and be unable to stop. To ‘just’ eat or ‘just’ stop purging – to save my life. I can’t see it being any ‘easier’ for someone with diabulimia to ‘just’ take their insulin to save their life.

My conviction in the evil, terrible, deadly nature of Eating Disorders and that we all need to speak out and educate the world about them has been strengthened tonight. I read sufferers saying that noone around them realised they had an eating disorder. They could eat. Often they were not purging. When their loved ones picked up just what was wrong it was often too late – at the first or after a couple of deadly DKA’s, when their health had declined to a point where it was an emergency.

Why is Diabulimia not formally recognised? It needs to be.

Did you know about Diabulimia? Do you know someone who has it, or do you have it?

DiabulimiaHelpline

A brilliant list of links to all sorts of information about Diabulimia

A website for sufferers by a sufferer

DWED : Diabetics With Eating Disorders. The only charity in the UK working specifically with people who have Diabetes and Eating Disorders.

The Butterfly Foundation

B-EAT

Australian Diabetes Council – a search for ‘Diabulimia’, Eating Disorders, Anorexia and Bulimia all turned up zero on this site. Another reason we need to raise awareness in all communities.

Diabetes Australia

National Eating Disorders Association

February 25, 2012 by Fiona

Random Rainy Saturday Ramble.

Hello my friends! Happy Saturday! First I want to say a special Happy Birthday to an amazing lady – Elizabeth. I hope you are having an amazing, love-filled day. Every birthday can really be a milestone when you are living with an ED. Not only are they life-threatening and relationship-threatening, I think you end up appreciating life just so much more.

She is an angel for so many reasons, and I thought of her when I saw this!

For Elizabeth!

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It’s very wet here! The weather people call it ‘rain bombing’. I agree with that! I went out today and copped a bucketing. Umbrellas were useless.

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Shalimar has had cabin fever from having to stay inside, so this afternoon when the rain let up, we went out! Finally!

never seen an overflowing gutter before!

She is not used to the ground being so wet!! She was like “OMG my PAWS! OMG the ground is MOVING!”

Mummy, why is the rain wet?

Gotta love ‘em.

I used to love the rain when I was little. It fired my always-active imagination up all the more. Puddles and making little rivers and dams in the mud. Sheltering under a big tree felt a bit like I was in my own little ‘house’ out in the middle of nowhere. Frogs came out to croak! So slippery and slimy and yet so cute. Toadstools sprung up pretty much overnight. Everything was so green, and smelt so good. And then, there were rainbows to search for

I still can’t believe that we used to wear socks and sandals to school – in the rain. Fashion fail!! Soggy feet all day long. Ick.

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I’m spending my wet evening watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with Shalimar cuddled up on my lap. I love Indy. He is HOT – my kind of handsome. I think he’s more real than a lot of the ‘hot buffed’ men I see in magazines. His dad isn’t that bad either.

How on earth to choose?

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I know this pic isn’t from Temple of Doom. But Indy is just as hot in any of the movies. I would make him have a bath first though.

I’ve been feeling a bit better today, not so bloated. The bowel problems turned out to be a partial obstruction due to impacted stuff there.. pretty gross, yes, so I’m not going to talk much about it, except to say we are now treating it. I also probably have IBS, at the very least there is some damage to my bowel just from there being so many years that nothing much passed through at all – it didn’t need to work in all that time, so it’s pretty much stopped working. For someone who laxative abuse was NOT a big thing, that sort of really pisses me off. One of the reasons I didn’t give into the urge to abuse them was the fear of something like this happening.. not fair! But life’s not supposed to be fair.

And I guess it could be worse.

Sometimes we just have to live with it!

I hope you enjoyed my pointless post – laid back just like a Saturday should be. Happy weekend to everyone!!

February 24, 2012 by Fiona

Deeply Disappointed in Disney

Reblogged from Dances With Fat:

Everyday people send me articles about the atrocities committed against people of size all over the word. I get frustrated, I get angry, occasionally I yell at my computer, but I usually don't cry.

That changed today. As I sat in the tiny airport at Gainesville and read an article about Disney's latest attraction "Habit Heroes" I couldn't stop the tears.

Belonging – Or Not.

I’ve been thinking over the family side of things a lot more lately – since going No Contact with them (not that they probably even realise) it’s really hit home how much they never did care about me.

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My mother is a narcissist. She exists for herself. She has no capacity to really truly love or feel empathy for another (although she’s a good actress). She believes she is special and everyone else in the world is inferior. She has no love for me – she has been a cruel mother and used me for gain in any way she could.

On the flip side – she took me to ballet, my life’s passion – a passion that kept me going when I couldn’t see any other reason to live. She taught me to read – encouraged a life time love of books – another true gift.

My older sister is a full-blown classic sociopath and perhaps one of the most horrible people I’ve ever met in my life. And yet, she appears so lovely to the world. An upstanding mother and citizen. A Naturopath and Justice of the Peace.

This is a lady who has sexually abused children. Who has engaged in cruelty to animals, causing their deaths. Who has dabbled in black magic.

This is a woman who stole from her own mother, in order to make her think that it was me.

This woman proves that there are evil people in this world.

My brother, I will not say much about, except that he was violent and vile. He might have changed now, but he will never apologise or own his past behaviour and when challenged, will forever deny it and aggressively try to turn it all back on you.

And then there is my little sister. I love her, but I have lost her. And that’s my fault – for shoplifting (she is disgusted). I was caught on the day of my Dad’s funeral. I didn’t think they even knew, I thought I’d managed to keep that a secret and make it seem like I’d just been a lot longer on the walk I’d gone off on.

I was not coping with the days before Dad’s death, trying to help my stepmother, trying to be strong. I spent all day at Dad’s side, and all night in my room, bingeing and purging the night away. It was the only way I could survive at the time. And I don’t expect her to understand that because she never could.

But in her eyes, for that I am evil.

So there is my family. Gone. I am better off without the most of them.

And yet, I grieve. I grieve the dream of a family who love me and truly care. A family who realise how hard I’ve fought and how far I have come. Who understand who I am as a person.

I realised when I was eighteen that my own family, who had lived with me for nearly seventeen years, did not even know me. They did not even have a clue about the very basic things that made me the person I am. They had spent their lives either not caring, or trying to make me into who they wanted me to be and only seeing that person.

I realised when I was in my twenties that my mother would never love me. I was in emergency, having been rushed there from the Eating Disorders unit, and my heart was struggling because my potassium was so low and my bicarb levels so high. They told me that they did not think I would live through the night, and asked to call someone. I gave them Mum’s number – this was before I made my friends my family and my next of kin.

My mother lives a ten minute drive from the hospital and yes, she drives, and yes, quite long distances and at night. But this night? She did not want to come in. She did not care if she ever saw her daughter alive again.

I did not die thankfully! But she didn’t know that would happen. Her reality that night was that her daughter was going to die and she did not care at all.

It broke my heart. But it also gave me the push and the shock that I needed to start separating myself emotionally.

They do not know where I live now. They never will again if I have any control over it. From here, I will eventually cross the country, change my legal name, and vanish from their lives for good.

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And they will not even know I have gone – because they did not care if I was in their lives to start with.

My family are my friends. They are amazing people who love me, accept me, understand me, are honest with me. Who are there in bad times as equally as good times. Who actually know me. Who I can trust with every fibre of my being.

And they are all I need.