So that’s the big question. Do I really want to recover?
Of course, I say. Why do you even need to ask? Of COURSE I want to recover. More than anything.
Being sick is awful. It’s stolen so much of my life. It’s pushed people I love away, in some cases forever. If I don’t get better ASAP, it might take my LIFE, ultimately.
So why ask?
Because I don’t know if I really, really, want to recover.
(Let me just say right now – I’m using ‘recover’ here because it’s a word that describes ‘a lot better’ for me. I don’t necessarily mean totally cured when I refer to it here, I mean that I can LIVE and FUNCTION in a way that means I’m healthier, happier and able to lead a relatively normal life. Most of the time I’m not entirely sure full recovery exists, maybe just remission. But for the purposes of this post, I will use the recovery word here.)
So, back to the question. If I don’t really want to recover, why am I fighting? Why don’t I just give up now?
If I WANT to recover, why do I even need to ask myself this question?
I’m so confused…
Choose to live? Choose to die?
I do want to get better. I do want to leave this behind. Somewhere in my future is the possibility of a much healthier, less painful, more functional life. Maybe even a happy life.
Do I believe that? I think that is where I get stuck. It’s so hard to believe in anything ever being different from this a lot of the time. Recovery seems to be something that happens for everyone else. Everyone but me.
I fully believe it’s possible for other people. But for myself.. it’s so hard to even imagine. I can’t imagine being different from this. I can’t see myself having a relationship with food that’s in any way normal. I can’t even imagine being able to cope with a full stomach of food and letting it pass through every single day.
I can’t imagine myself ever being comfortable in my body, no matter what my weight is. Every single day I’ve wanted to jump out of my own skin, and I’m still not near a ‘healthy’ weight.
I have been told by friends who have, amazingly, inspiringly, RECOVERED for REAL that it is possible, and that most of the changes in thinking will happen after I reach and maintain a healthy weight and healthy nutrition. But for me?
Self belief is something I’m lacking, and have to work on.
When it comes to the question of do I WANT this? I really can’t honestly say yes, and that scares me. Being better means a lot of things that I’m scared of need to be faced. A lot more fear and pain need to be tolerated.
I find myself thinking all the time that I really miss being emaciated. Which is crazy because when I was actually emaciated I hated it, loathed it. Was so ashamed at what I’d created – made myself a monster. A caricature of a human being.
I don’t understand that tug of war. Hating myself at what I’m NOT. Wanting to be ‘healthy’ when I was emaciated just to feel human and not like some horrible monster people kept staring at, to be able to wear clothes without sleeves in summer instead of hiding under layers to try and bulk me out…
Hating myself now, hating being so massive (in MY perception). Hating the way things wobble, hating the way I can grab handfuls. I’ve thrown away most of the clothes I used to wear, but even the clothes I have now make me so uncomfortable – I hate feeling the waistband on my waist, I hate feeling the clothing touch my skin – it’s too tight. I’m too there.
Compounding this, I do have a partial obstruction in my bowel – it showed up on the xrays as fecal loading. In other words, I’m all blocked up with poo. Years of nothing much passing through has paralysed my bowel, and now I’m paying the price. We have started trying to treat this with Movicol, but so far no joy. Back to the doctor tomorrow for the next step.
I feel like this fish. If only I was doing it on purpose.
The result is that i’m bloated up, my stomach hurts and is distended, and the oedema, whether it’s related to this or separate, is still really bad. Adding a lot MORE weight to what I’m already struggling with.
Now, I KNOW that this extra weight is not real weight. I know it’s composed of fluid and stomach contents, and that there is a lot of it. I KNOW THIS, rationally.
But the ED has been particularly active. It’s jumped on this with glee.
“You know you are in denial. It’s not just fluid and poo. You are hiding from yourself that the reality is – you are a fat pig who can’t stop bingeing and you are gaining weight. You are getting fatter and fatter and it’s not gonna stop. And when they do finally figure out how to ‘fix’ these problems, you are going to be so dissappointed to have to face the truth. Truth, girl, you are just getting FAT.”
And yes, this is my biggest fear. All of the time.
If I truly want to recover, why does all this bother me so much? It shouldn’t.
I don’t know if I have the courage to press through this and actually LIVE when I come out the other side. I don’t know if I can actually cope in the real world. I’m scared that the real world will eat me up like a shark snacking on a swimmer. I certainly didn’t do very well before the ED took over. People hated me, and I let them hurt me. Oh I made it seem like I was a cold, unfeeling fish who felt no hurt no matter what they said or did, but I was hurting big time. I was crumbling inside into a million little pieces.
Sometimes I feel those little pieces are too many to ever put back together again.
But other times, I feel that in order to be healed – we DO need to be broken. And it does make us stronger. (Add in every cliche you have ever heard, but I have to say some of them are very true – these two are for me, I think.)
I need to get out of this cycle or I will always be afraid of life.
I wonder why all this happened and I come to the conclusion that it was meant to. That everything happens for a reason, and if I don’t keep fighting this, I will be wasting a life that had a meaning, had a purpose, that I won’t even know til I get there.
If there is anything I fear MORE than the eating disorder, and MORE than the fear of life and failing at life and having to face pain and fear – it’s the thought of my life being meaningless. Just a waste of a life.
I don’t want to have been nothing and lived for nothing. I don’t want all I have gone through and survived to have been pointless.
So I’m gonna keep fighting. And I hope all of you reading keep fighting too. I may not know if I want to recover now, but I’m certain I’ll want it when I get there. And that it’s worth fighting for.
And I’ll never know if life is wonderful or not if I don’t give it a go, will I? I have nothing to lose by trying.
Often we have come further than we think - we just can't see it yet!
When you doubt yourself, how do you convince yourself to keep fighting?
When you were emaciated, could you imagine yourself where you are now? Out of hospital (for a long time), new house, hydrotherapy, getting stronger, holding your current bmi? (and that’s just the things I know about) If you couldn’t, then not being able to see yourself with managable (or even non-existant) ED thoughts and behaviours and not being able to see yourself strong, and healthy, and happy now says NOTHING about whether or not you will get there. It doesn’t mean you will not get there, or that you do not want it enough. All it means is that NOW you are sick, and now you have the choice to fight, and to see.
As for the fear of dealing with life without it… I think things are probably very different now. You are different, you (by the sounds of it) have placed yourself in the company of people who are kind, you have broken ties with people who have hurt you etc. When you were healthy, maybe you needed the ED to deal with the world, but maybe now, the ED tries to keep you sick because if you were well, you could see you didn’t need it any more at all?
I wish there was a like button for comments.. this is amazing. you are so right. No I couldn’t imagine any of this, not even begin to. I really thought I would die and so did most people around me. I still pinch myself sometimes when I look at where I was and where I am now.
thank you xx
THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT WE CAN’T ALWAYS SEE WHAT IS POSSIBLE BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT ISN’T POSSIBLE!
Thankyou for reaching out to me, Lauren, you are so special and i hope so much that YOU realise that recovering IS possible for you too despite it not being something you might be able to see.
And maybe yes.. I wouldn’t need the ed if i were well, no. And as good as that is, it IS scary because it feels so much a part of me (unwanted but still a part)
You have a lot of insight
Hi sweetie. Life seems terrifying. ED seems terrifying. The whole WORLD seems terrifying. I so understand. Some things still throw me for a loop. BUT … being thrown for a loop is nothing compared to depression and hopelessness.
Depression is a whole other dimenstion to ED. It keeps you in the cycle, and when you’re depressed it’s hard to chose between TWO TERRIFYING sequences: ED or the WORLD. Depression sticks it to you, and makes you believe there is no hope, that you don’t want to recover because it’s chemically altering your judgment. THIS IS OPINION of course.
I do believe when the depression lifts, you DO have moments of feeling better. There will be LOTS OF MOMENTS of feeling better. You will be the most unbelievable human around.
You are smart, creative, loving, and you will blossom like you could never imagine.
Yes you will continue to struggle with “things” in life, and feelings, and being hurt … but it will feel less like (HELP ME, HIDE ME) and more like … i need to figure this out, i can survive.
Plus, i’m still kooky with foods, and i have those I FEEL FAT DAYS. Well fuck that! If that’s the whole price i’m paying now … stuff it!!! I’m alive … and i’m expressing myself, and i’m painting as fast as i fucking can (but i’m writing too much twaddle) … blah blah blah. Life is GETTING FULL, and not full of bullshit and fear.
YOU WILL WIN THIS. I KNOW IT! You will be better. And you will feel better. Keep asking for help from whoever you can.
Do your best, my love. Please take care of you! Love you lots, big sis, nutty sis … but living sis! You always have a place to stay in the states!!! xoxo melis
You get it, so well. (of course, you LIVE it)..It is a battle… but yes, life is filling up with LIFE too now instead of just the bad stuff, gotta remember that. And thank you – you have a place in Australia to stay too :0) xxx
I wish you lived round the corner from me because i want to give you the biggest hug! You’ve come SO far Fiona, i can understand the lack of faith in recovery. I want to get over my binge eating so badly and i’m going to therapy and i am praying that in 6 months i’ll be able to think differently and not necessarily be fully recovered but well on my way. I WANT this, but i don’t think it’s going to happen.
Self-belief is so difficult to gain, i’m finding that out now but i know through your blog and the comments you make that you’re capable of great things. You’ve already achieved maintaining your current weight despite hating it – that’s incredible. You’re brave, but i know that you probably can’t see it as much as we – the people on the outiside – can.
I have complete faith in you Fiona, and already you’ve made your life meaningful – people thought you’d die and you didn’t, you fought hard to get where you are, that gives people faith. Your improvement in health will have already inspired people to think that if you can do it, maybe they can too. I’M inspired by you; see you’ve already made a difference, but you have the option to make even more of a difference and i whole heartedly KNOW that you will
xx
I believe in YOU so strongly! You are amazing, and I think you don’t realise that from my viewpoint i can see that you have come a long way too. I think you are another one who has to remember we can’t see the carrot that’s growing! Only the top of it
You are making a difference already. I think that inner change comes before outer change, and all that you write amazes me. You have insight and wisdom so hard to come by – it has to be lived for. Earnt.
I really do think you will get there. Bit by bit.
And thank you, because from you, what you said means the world to me. I wish I could hug you, too xx
Oh my dear, sweet, and wonderful friend! I wish that I could flip a switch and make things easier for you!
When I was still eating gluten before I realized I was intolerant, there was a month where bowel movements were almost unheard of, which was abnormal for me. It made my ED much worse because of the distended belly and bloating, plus the nasty feeling of all-around heaviness. Once I stopped eating gluten, this stopped being a problem almost immediately. And, when the side effects subsided, so did the extra strength that the ED had while they were present. I hope that your doctor finds something that works for you soon. I will keep praying and you just keep hanging in there!
As for your questioning recovery, I think Lollirot hit the nail directly on the head on this one. I could not imagine where I am currently in my “recovery,” and neither could you. Just because it doesn’t seem possible, doesn’t mean that it is impossible. I like the quote that says insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result.
In order to overcome the ED Insanity, you have to find a way to get out of that cycle. The image you posted captures it perfectly. After months and months of trying and failing, I found an emergency exit route of my own from that cycle. The ED is so much easier to fight and manage when you are not locked in that miserable cycle.
I love the picture of the carrots and rabbits. It truly is perfect. I love you lots and want desperately for you to beat this. Just remember that someone on the other side of the globe doesn’t just believe, but KNOWS that you are special, loved, and a beautiful person, whether or not you are able to see it. xoxoxo ♥
You are one of the most amazing and inspirational people I’ve ever met and I bet you don’t even see that in yourself! I love YOU too and I KNOW you are going to beat this – I believe in you with all my heart. We can see each other’s carrot better than the other can I think!
Can’t wait. It WILL happen. Maybe we will have a get together of all us blogging warrior women! xxx
And we have to get better so one day we can meet in person
We think of questioning as a sign of wavering and weakness, but it’s actually a sign of strength. The fact that you can ask these kinds of questions without running screaming for the toilet/treadmill/etc shows how much progress you’ve made. And also, from another perspective–I was gone from wordpress for a few months and in that tiem you have turned into an entirely different person. I can see it in everything you write. Do NOT doubt the positive changes you’ve made.
Thank you!! And it’s really interesting that you can see i’ve changed so much in a few months. i can’t see it! But it gives me so much hope. i can’t wait to catch up more with you, I have thought about you constantly and I’m so glad you are back xx
I know the self-doubts. And phew, there’s a lot I want to comment on now! More than I can write just now (it’s 4 am again over here) – just a few little thoughts.
I don’t think something like “recovery”. I know you said that above already, but what I mean is this: I’m very, very sceptical about defining the borders between “healthy” and “disordered” by a couple of diagnostic criteria, regardless of the person it’s all about. If you have such a picture of recovery in your mind, it’ll probably seem to big and so far away that you think you can never get there.
But that’s not true. The essential thing is to make it “your” recovery. Whatever that may be – you can choose! For example, you said you can’t imagine to ever have a normal relationship with food again. I say: So what?! What’s normal? I think I can’t either. I’ll always be “special” with eating. But I don’t mind, and I know there’s a way I can eat that keeps me going and is good for me, and if I’m the only one who eats that way, well then be it like that! So, what I want to say is: Account for who you are and where you come from. What you associate with recovery might come with such high expectactions that it feels like better not trying to get better. I want to encourage you to find your own way. The crucial criterion is that you get to a state where you are healthy (that means you can do your daily things and aren’t severly malnourished and don’t need to go to the doctor all the time), and how you create and build your personal state of health has to fit with you. It’s yours. You can make it, I know that.
How do I know?
Well. I’ve read several of your posts now. I can certainly say that I hardly know a person who has gone through so much shit. I also believe that most other people wouldn’t have survived what you have survived. But you have. You are still there. And you’re about to pull yourself out of it. So you know what? Whatever life may bring for you, you can handle it. Because you can handle everything. And it will get better, because, well, it simply can’t get worse than what you’ve been through.
So, please don’t forget this: YOU HAVE THIS ENORMOUS STRENGTH. The fact that you’re here and alive is the ultimate evidence you have. Just saying. 
You’ll make it. And you’re not alone.
Thank you Kath.. thank you.
And you are right about recovery not being any real specific thing. It’s very hard to know what it is – it would be different for everyone. Also I think that the professionals often call someone recovered when they can see outwardly that they are ‘better’. But that leaves the inside. After my first admission, I’d regained my weight, I was told good on me, i’m better, bye. I wasn’t. I was the same inside, perhaps worse. They need to remember that and so do we.
maybe recovery is a whole life thing. It’s about every aspect of our lives. It really is about a life that We can live to thefullest and feel that we are getting the most out of that WE can.
I think you are amazing and I’m so glad to have met you – every post you write inspires me xx
Thank you, Fiona! I believe that’s it: Recovery is a progress, not a state. That again means you’re already recovering, because you are better now then before. You see? You’re doing it already. You can go on doing it. It will get easier along the way.
Also, what was mentioned in the comment above is something I believe is very important: The ED is often coupled with depression, and the depression freezes all your motivation to get better. I know how it is to have one. It’s scary because it directly tackles your motivation, and everything that’s left is this endless numbness and heaviness and tiredness of life. But it won’t stay forever. The sun will come out again.
Also, do you know Sophia’s Weekend ED series where she writes about how she got away from anorexia? This post might interest you specifically because she mentions some health problems I think you also currently deal with.
http://www.burpandslurp.com/2011/04/15/weekend-ed-series-fear-about-weight-gain-in-recovery/
You are so right. Depression is the biggest bugger of a monster I’m fighting right now. Well I change my mind often as to what is the ‘biggest’ but it’s the most debilitating. It has virtually frozen me inside my own little cube-prison. It makes life not appealing and me so, so tired. So very tired. how can I fight when I’m so exhausted and drained? There is not much to fight with.
Thank you for reminding me that things do get better. I have been to hell and back a few times before with the depression and not only did I survive but things did get better and when they did i was glad I hung on and didn’t give in or do anything stupid. It’s harder to see that when you are in the thick of it.
I just went over and subscribed.. thank you.. it looks really good!
*hugs* You are helping me so much and you think you are selfish and narcissistic *shakes head in wonder*
You are amazing and sweet and kind xx
[...] I think having that in the back of my mind helped. Also, in reading Fiona at faithandmeows post, Do I Want To Recover?, I found myself realizing how much I could relate to what she had written. Realizing (even though [...]
Fiona, It absolutely kills me to read this post. Here, I see the other side of the mirror. When we converse on Facebook, it’s as though we’re old girlfriends, chatting about books, boys, and the whole foods market, throwing quirky bits of bulimic humour into the dialogue. But when I read this, I see the effort it takes for someone to manage two lives at once – the public presence and the actual presence. Sure, I do it myself, less and less as I move forward in my increasingly healthy life, but I still do it. I think we’ll always do it. The fact that it’s so debilitating to you makes me feel very sad, and I truly hope that you will find your way out of the rabbit hole because you are too wonderful to just hollow up and die. I am thinking of you and hoping that you will sleep well (I believe it’s now your nighttime in Australia). xxx
Nicole, you get it. You absolutely get it. It IS a double life. Me and the other Me. Hopefully the other me will become smaller over time and less powerful and the real me more alive. But she will always be there.
I see you and know it can happen.
I see you and know there is a way out and to keep searching.
I see you and know the fight can be won, and keep fighting.
So – thank you. You are a friend and an inspiration.
and yes, it’s bedtime – not that that means I’ll actually go to bed lol.
Lots of love, special friend xxx
Your compliments humble me, and I don’t deserve them; but I thank you for brightening my morning.
Goodnight, love. Sleep well! xxxxxxxxx
I compliment those who deserve it
can you see my pictures and background? WordPress is doing something weird.. or maybe i have… xx
I cannot see your header, but photographs are visible.
Thanks.. i thought so. it seems to have lost the pics i uploaded.. oh well
time for a freshen up
xxx