(Or – She’s Done It Again, Call The Whaambulance.)
I used to be the biggest Yes-Person around. Whatever you wanted to hear, I’d say it. You would never hear a peep out of me if I thought it might not be agreeable.
Lately I’ve become far more outspoken. This is scaring me!!!!! I’m so not used to it. I’m getting annoyed, I’m getting angry, but instead of burying it, I’m speaking it.
What scares me most is that I think it’s making me a mean girl.
I have a number of friends on Facebook in the ED and the PD communities. Most of them I don’t know personally, rather I met them through support groups and the like. I can be a very supportive person, I am a good listener (ironic since I’m deaf!) but I also can be bluntly, blatantly honest.
It’s scary to see girls doing what you used to do yourself, years back, watch them destroying themselves, and scarier, watching a horde of minions – hanger ons, enablers – swarm around them and reinforce what they are doing. It’s started me questioning what a good friend is?
Is a good friend one who supports you through thick and thin and tells you only what you want to hear? That your worst behaviour is okay and not your fault, even when it’s NOT okay and it IS your fault?
Or is a good friend one who offers their ongoing support but makes it clear that your behaviour is not okay at all?
I’m with the latter.. but I also have no idea really when to cut my losses and walk away. Rarely do these people want to hear the truth. But I stay and argue with them and end up getting insults hurled at me and told that I don’t have a clue what these people are going through, I’ve never been there, I don’t know what it’s like to be in that much pain (I HAVE, and I DO, but that’s not the point).
I have to learn acceptance. I’m getting better at acceptance, but truly, walking away when you are emotionally invested is hard to do. Really hard. I don’t even know why I care so much – TOO much. I mean, half these girls would throw me under the bus without a second thought – a lot of them don’t really care about anyone but themselves right now. A lot of the behaviour I call out, happens because the person wants to be fed in some way – as in, they want people to tell them how sorry they are for their pain, to coddle them.. they want. They don’t want to give, they just want.
Case in point for all this – This girl, let’s call her S, has spent the past week updating her status with the most attention seeking of statuses. “I’m going to take all these paracetamol pills” “I can’t go on, this is it guys, I give up” ”F*ck you, (her ex), it’s all your fault, I’m going to kill myself now”. These are illustrated with constant photos of S with assorted medical paraphernalia from her routine doctor appointments, photos of S with assorted emo slogans, and finally today, when S took her much-threatened overdose of paracetamol, photographs from the hospital ward of her IV, her hospital bed, her ECG stickers… you get the picture. What was the last straw for me amongst my sense of building ‘UGH’ for want of a better word, was that she tagged her ex girlfriend (who is a lovely girl who has not done anything to deserve this) in the hospital photos with captions like “See, proof, see what you did to me”.. this is just so wrong.
All of this is blatant manipulation, Borderline behaviours.. and it makes me sick and ragey. So I opened my big fat mouth and inserted big clumsy foot. I RAGED at her. And I got angry at her enabler friends for supporting this stupid behaviour. What made it harder for me to resist is that just a week ago S and I had a bit of a heated exchange about her tendancy to post emo photographs and ‘Recoveryyyyyyy<3<3′ bullshit one day, have a blow up with someone and scream “That’s it, I’m giving up on recovery I’m going to die and you can all go to hell” the next day, then be back on the “Recoveryyyyyy<3<3″ bandwagon the next day (and I can guarantee that she’ll be back in recovery after she’s discharged and it will all start over. She told me I totally was wrong about her, that i didn’t understand recovery or her fight, that she was genuine and sincerely fighting. And then she pulls this shit, right out of the air – exactly the stuff she claimed she never did.
So, I did it wrong. I should have backed off. Nay, more than that – I should delete her. But I care. I know I’m going to get my head bitten off when I get in there and don’t join the enabling “Oh you are such a fighter so so sorry you poor brave thing” army. When I say, this is a choice YOU have made, you chose this, and you cannot blame anyone else for it. When I say, this behaviour is NOT going to make anything better and recovery is about staying with these feelings and working through them, not going off and overdosing and cutting yourself and screaming at everyone who cares about you that it’s all their fault. I know I’m going to get a serve when I say, I doubt very much she intended to actually kill herself, considering that she has threatened to take those tablets every single day for the last week and enjoyed it when you all begged her to flush them or “please don’t do it!!”, and considering the fact that she had a photo uploaded of her successful overdose at the first opportunity and a running commentary throughout. If you really want to die? You aren’t going to give every one every chance of stopping you!
I’m done. I’m truly done. It’s time for me to learn some really hard lessons on boundaries, on the fact that I cannot save anyone else – especially when I still have a lot of work to do saving myself still – and worst – am I, myself, feeding their sickness in some way? I hope to hell I’m not.
Here is a screen shot of the latest drama. I really think I went overboard and yes, time and place was not appropriate. Given this girls history though..
What do you think? Am I a mean girl? And please be honest – honest feedback is something I can use to make sure I do the right thing – or the not so wrong thing – next time.
Is it dangerous to enable someone’s destructive behaviours? Is it better to wait until the crisis is over before calling them out on it?