Stigma and Suicide

Today I had coffee with a friend who also has anorexia, but she is recovered (or rather, she lives a life that doesn’t include anorexia, even if it’s always lurking somewhere in the recesses of her mind.

We were talking about suicide – both of us have attempted it a couple of times each. Thankfully both of us were not ‘successful’ (well duh, I’m writing this!). Right now I have to stop and ask, why do we call a suicide that ends in death successful? I know it’s because the person accomplished what they attempted… but it sounds so wrong.  Especially given that many people who attempt suicide actually do not want to really die, they want help, they want the pain to stop..

My friend (who is quite a bit my elder – two decades+) mentioned that years ago in our state, it was illegal to attempt suicide.  Now this is not news to me – suicide has been, and still often is, ‘illegal’, but I thought that was really just a formality. Who is going to run after a mentally ill, distressed person, and arrest them for daring to have lost all hope?

Well, apparently they used to do just that. People who attempted suicide used to be given fines!

This left me gasping silently like a fish out of water for all of five shocked minutes.

The stigma of having a mental illness has lessened greatly since the days of people being institutionalised for life in  insane asylums but we still have a long way to go.

Francisco Goya's The Madhouse

Image Source

Have you ever experienced someone’s treating you differently after finding out that you suffer a mental illness?  (If you do have one – if not, would you treat someone differently if you found out that they had a mental illness – and why?)

Have you ever feared telling your boss, teacher, friend – because you were scared of losing your job, being treated differently, ostracised, etc?

Have you delayed seeking help (or are you still to seek help) because of the stigma or the fear attached to having a mental illness?

Mental illness doesn’t make us different to every other human being. All human beings are somewhere on the spectrum when it comes to sanity. What IS ‘sane’ anyway? Who is the best judge of that? Indeed even the ‘sanest’ and ‘healthy-minded’ of us have our crazy moments!

When someone is suffering, and feels unable to ask for help for that suffering, because of a fear of how society will thereafter judge them, there is something deeply wrong with that society. The stigma of mental illness actually contributes to suicidal behaviour -

“Yet suicide is, itself, a source of stigma as anyone with suicidal ideation is considered weak, shameful, sinful and selfish, which prevents these individuals from seeking treatment early in the suicidal process. These judgements are often shared by active churchgoers ( Sawyer & Sobal, 1987), teachers and parents. Also, parents and widows of victims of suicide are stigmatised, which makes recovery from this type of loss particularly difficult (Smith et al, 1995). Destigmatisation should be addressed to mental illness as well as suicide. Increasing the stigma associated with having suicidal feelings will increase the suicide rate. Interventions among families, mental health professionals, military personnel and church activists aimed at decreasing the stigma associated with mental illness and suicide may contribute to the reduction of deaths by suicide.” (source)

 This is why we need to keep on speaking out, we who have mental illness – This is why we need to stop letting ourselves be shamed silent. There is NO shame to having a mental illness – just as there isn’t shame for having a physical illness. We were given a body, our body sometimes gets sick and needs treatment to help us get better or live with that sickness managed – and this goes for body and mind.

Know that it is okay to ask for help – that having a mental illness doesn’t make you weak or stupid. Know that there IS help, and that there ARE people out there who understand. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Don’t tell someone who is unwell to ‘snap out of it’. They can’t.  Don’t think that you can ‘pray’ them better or that if you make them laugh and do things, they will snap out of it that way. Prayer has it’s place, alongside real treatment and support. Being a friend and doing things with them is also the best thing you can do for them – but it will not make them better – and that is not a failing on your part either.

And if you find yourself needing help – here are some places to start – as well as talking to someone in real life – your friends, your family, your doctor, your teacher, your priest, your counsellor..

In Australia:

Sane              Reach Out              Lifeline – 13 11 14 (24 hours a day)

Healthinsite – links to support and information

 Support Groups – via Black Dog Institute

In the UK:

Sane  helpline 0845 767 8000                               Mind

In the USA:

Mental Health America                       Directions for Mental Health

NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health)  

toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)to be connected to a trained counselor at a suicide crisis center nearest you.

 

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And the REAL most beautiful woman is….

Yesterday I posted about Beyonce being chosen as People’s Most Beautiful Woman.  Your feedback has been amazing – so thank you.

I was reminded of what real beauty is – and it’s all around us.

Beauty isn’t perfection. Beauty is something that is different in every person – and it IS in every single person. That beauty is in the eyes of the beholder is a very true statement – some people simply don’t have the capacity to see beauty – and that is sad.

The most beautiful woman in the world might be someone who loves you. Someone you admire. It might be an old woman, or a young one. Black or white, tall or short, fat or thin. There are so many different kinds of beauty.

For example, these are just some examples of people I find particularly beautiful:

Barbara Holborow

(source)

Look at the kindness shining from her face! Barbara Holborow, a retired Children’s Magistrate and tireless champion for kids for years, is beautiful. Such a beautiful soul, such friendly, smiling eyes, and so many stories written in her face. I would LOVE to meet her and spend an afternoon hearing her stories.

Camryn Manheim

(source)

I used to watch The Practice and The Ghost Whisperer and had a bit of a crush on Camryn Manheim. She’s beautiful in my book, too. She looks kind and friendly and down to earth. She reminds me of a nurse who over the years of hospitalisations was so unfailingly kind to me, and she appeals to me in a motherly way, as this nurse did, she always made me feel comforted and safe. She was a truly beautiful woman (the nurse) even though she was clinically obese – extremly pretty, beautiful dark long hair, always wore amazing clothes, and yes, the clincher – her lovely sweet, kind heart!

Margot Fonteyn

(source)

Margot Fonteyn was an incredible ballerina. She was beautiful at all ages. She’s still beautiful now as an elderly woman. I love ballet – have always loved ballet – and used to aspire to be a professional dancer. (Now I aspire to be able to dance again for my own enjoyment, and that is going to happen ) Margot Fonteyn didn’t have the perfect ballet body, and she had ‘bad feet’ – but that didn’t stop her from being one of the most famous and loved ballerinas of all time.

Oprah Winfrey

(source)

I’ve  always found Oprah Winfrey beautiful. She is a kind woman and that shines  from her eyes and her beautiful smile. She has lovely hair and skin. She’s a very powerful woman, and I think she radiates that, too, but she doesn’t misuse her power. I really love dark skin. I had some Sudanese friends who used to wear the most colourful clothing and their skin just set the colours off in a way that other skin colours just cannot do! I also had a lot of ethnic friends in my school years – particularly Samoan, Asian, and Indian.

I could go on and find many more examples of beautiful woman – but I will stop here. You get the picture – beauty is everywhere and we all have a different opinion about it. I also cannot show you the most beautiful people in my world – because they are my friends and I’m going to respect their privacy. They are amazing people who are loving, kind, caring; who have stuck with me through the good times AND the truly ugly times. They accept me despite all my flaws and failings, and they helped me to see that there was someone who might be worth getting to know in my own self. To not be rejected, helped me to start being less rejecting of myself.

The truest beauty comes from our hearts and shines through in everything we do, no matter what we look like on the outside. And someone who is ugly on the inside might look extremly ‘pretty’ outwardly.. but will never be really beautiful. I know a woman in my life – one of my abusers – who is stunning. Men flock to her like bees to honey. But she has an ugly heart – a truly evil heart. I cannot see anything beautiful about her – she repulses me, and I shudder to even think of her. But there are people who would find her beautiful.

So my conclusion is, the most beautiful woman in the world is EVERY WOMAN

Shut Up, and Break Stereotypes!

Reblogged from shutupskinnybitches:

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The Rudd Center was created at Yale University to study all aspects of the struggles that overweight people face, and to help find solutions to the issues.

A big issue that they have identified is how people who are overweight and obese are treated.  They find that overweight people face discrimination in some interpersonal relationships, biased attitudes from medical professionals and stereotypes in the media. 

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" We need to realize that beautiful and talented people come in all sizes, and we need to get that into our heads from a young age. The more we can make sure that images do not remain locked into stereotypes based on race, age, gender, ability, or weight, the more fairness and equality we will achieve in our world, and truly, the better future we can all have."

Amen.

We are all human beings. What matters is what's within. Someone's appearance is NEVER an excuse to put them down, mistreat them, or treat them badly in any way.

Women often complain about the body pressures they face in our society, and how they are made to feel their bodies are never good enough. Well, ladies, it has to start with you! If we want society to be more accepting towards our bodies, we need to be more accepting towards those of other people of all shapes and sizes.

The Most Beautiful Woman In The World 2012

… is Beyonce.

Image Source

People Magazine have awarded this year’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman’s award to Beyonce, and I think they have made a super choice. She’s beautiful! She’s got killer curves, beautiful skin, a lovely smile.

I think it’s a win for women – we have so many skinny women held up to us as examples of what we should strive to look like. It’s refreshing to see a woman who is NOT stick thin and does have a butt and hips and boobs and is happy with them celebrated instead.

Who would you have chosen?

Why Am I Still Sick?

As long as I stay sick with the eating disorder, those who hurt me still are winning.

The best revenge is living well.

Part of why I’ve never recovered is because I’m scared that my life will never be abuse free when I’m well.

But that is in my control. I am the one who has the power to not let people breach my boundaries in the future. I have that control.

Another excuse destroyed

There will never be a reason to recover, not for me anyway. There will never be a guarantee that life will be awesome, that I’ll be happy, or that I will be okay.

I am the only one who can change my future in any way – and that is directly from my choices right now. So when I ask myself if life will be better, if I will be okay, I have to answer myself with “How badly do you want it to be that, how badly do you want to be okay?” If I want to know if I’ll dance again, the answer is, “How badly do you want to dance?”.

Because the only way I can find out, is by getting there. Through getting better. And the longer I stay sick, the worse my chances get of things being better or okay or me being able to dance or any of the things I ask when I ponder getting better.

I came across a really good blog entry by Marya Hornbacher (author of Wasted) in which she talks about her recovery. She said that there never WILL be a right time, she would never have been ready to do it. She had to just do it. She’s right.

The choice to get better is like the choice to jump out of a plane. You can’t see that your parachute will work. There is no guarantee of that. No guarantee that you will land in the right place, that your landing will be safe and soft. You have to blindly trust. And in the same way, with getting better, you have to blindly trust that it will be okay and just do it.

Rock Bottom – What Depression Feels Like to Me.

Depression is a constant in my life. It is so hard to describe. I’m going to give it a go.

Right now I’m in a real slump with depression. It varies… each period of depression is different and yet they do all have common things too. Right now, depression makes everything go very quiet in my head. Completely ‘rock bottom’. I feel.. shut down.. gutted.. like the bottom has fallen out of my world.. devastated.. and yet at the same time, I can’t care anyway. Just want to sleep forever.  No energy. Inside me I’m crying and crying and crying.. and yet I can’t care less at the same time? If that makes any sense. I don’t have the energy to get angry or passionate.

Everything hits me hard – I think at the moment there is a lot of guilt about things like missing holidays and birthdays.. even though they had no love for me, they even had hatred for me, there’s guilt for not sending a card or picking up the phone. Guilt for just vanishing from their lives like that which is the ultimate kick in the face. And yet, I have to. Because they only want to hurt me and will hurt me. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It hurts SO much that they hurt me so much. A lot of the inside crying is the sort of Why? Why? Why? crying. Why couldn’t you love a little child as I was, to my mother? Why couldn’t  you be accepting of your sister, to my siblings? And on and on.

It’s a very.. self-absorbed place to be and I need to snap out of it!

Because I have amazing friends. Some of you are reading this.  You are my REAL family. I have people who do love me, do care about me. I have so much to live for. Life is getting better. There is ballet on the horizon. My cat is happy and loves me. My garden is growing. I have a roof over my head and it’s a lovely place to live! I have food on my table. I have clothes to wear that meet my needs and are nice. I have shoes on my feet and they are good shoes. I have everything I need. I even have a possibility of getting a job on the horizon. So life is GOOD and getting better. But most important of all are the people I love – and they are all good people. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

Why? is a pointless question to ask when it comes to the past. I will never know. But realising that they are narcissistic and sociopathic, has helped. Because I can say, they did not HAVE the capacity to love. They did not HAVE the capacity to have their actions weigh on their conscience. I can at least accept that the way they are, contributed to why they did what they did.

This site – Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers – helped me a lot when it came to how my mother was and why.

Depression is very hard to live with and yet somehow you have to just keep on getting up every morning, despite wishing you never woke up in the first place. Most of the time I just wish I could sleep forever. I wish my life could be OVER because then the every day battle would be OVER. Finished. THE END. Because I’m just SO exhausted.

I went off all my medications, the antidepressants included, recently, when I was having so many health problems. Health problems still here. But it means I recently started on Cymbalta, which also is prescribed for chronic pain and neuropathy, both of which I have. Hopefully this will kick in soon – it’s been just over a week, so I have to be patient.

The eating disorder is still strong, it never shuts up. As I wrote in an earlier post, it’s a constant, nasty, bullying presence in my head. My days are much different to in that post – I do not binge anywhere near that much any more,  I don’t walk as much, and I live somewhere else – but the overall voice, the nastiness, the constant criticism, is much the same. It is literally a constant war in my head.

So, where to from here?

Nowhere different. I just keep on keeping on, as I have been. I get up. I go to my appointments. I force myself to do things instead of go back to bed – painting. Gardening has been a huge help. Internet time. Reading your blogs, keeping up with you, has been a huge help too – helped me keep looking outside of my caged-in mind.

I’m going places with my physio – I’ve graduated from hydrotherapy into ‘Back Exercise Classes’ which turned out to be an hour of a lot of the exercises I used to warm up before a day of dancing with, or do overnight in secret when I was growing up, so I’m familiar with them, but have not done them for so long. My body is so weak and the first class floored me! But now I know where I stand with this and am able to set goals. In about a month, I’m starting ballet barre + pilates combined classes – and I’m scared but determined to be ready for them.

I have also started with an agency that helps people who have been out of the workforce and who have mental illnesses get jobs – the process has been so far a long red-tape-cutting process, but soon the paperwork should all be out of the way. I’m so excited about the process of finally getting a J.O.B. Actually contributing for once.

So there is a lot to look forward to!!

Thank you for reading this rather boring and self-centred update – I hope I didn’t bore you to tears.

Now it’s your turn – how are you? Do you suffer depression? How do you survive it? 

(Image Credit – Webitect)

Want Some Advice? Come and Get It.

Reblogged from Recovering Anorexic: Spread Thin:

Since starting this blog in 2007, I think I've only been asked once for tips and tricks. I suppose you don't get much of that when the title of your blog is "Recovering Anorexic." With that said, I have gotten multiple emails asking about recovery, but usually the questions are so vague I don't have really anything to go off of.

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I'm reblogging this for the people who find Faithandmeow by searching terms such as "How to be Pro-Ana" "Tips on how to be Anorexic" or for those who think or know they have an eating disorder, and are unsure of how or where to reach out for help... for those who are scared... for those who are even just contemplating reaching out. There is nothing glamorous or cool or even enjoyable about having an eating disorder. Nothing. And at some stage, you ARE going to have to make the choice to recover - it's that or DIE. Notice that I used that word - Choice? I did that on purpose. Because it IS a choice you have, and it IS a choice you have to make. You can't choose to have an eating disorder - no. But you DO have to choose to fight it, and you DO have to choose between life and death. You can't stay in limbo forever. Eating disorders are Limbo. But it's not sustainable. Choose to live, or you are choosing to die.

What is Normal Eating?

I see a lot of criticism of my fellow bloggers about what they eat, and how ‘abnormal’ and even disordered their intakes are.

So, what is normal eating?

I know what dysfunctional eating is:

• Dysfunctional (disordered) eating is chaotic (dieting, fasting, bingeing, skipping meals),or it can mean overeating or undereating much more or less than the body wants or needs.
• The disordered eater eats less for nourishment, and more for purposes of reshaping the body, for thinness, or to relieve anxiety and stress.
• Often eating causes distress. Afterward, instead of feeling better, the disordered eater may feel guilty, ashamed, uncomfortably full, or unsatisfied and fearful of bingeing.
• When food is restricted, thoughts of food, eating, hunger and weight often dominate waking hours.
• Because food is unsatisfying and may be limited, the dysfunctional eater often feels tired, irritable, unable to concentrate, and increasingly self-absorbed. (source)

Healthy eating is not about what we eat. It’s about how we eat. It’s about why we eat.

I do not believe that there is any perfect ‘diet’ in the world that can set out what we need to eat in order to be optimally healthy. It would never be right for everyone – because every body has different requirements, tolerances, situations, and even tastes.

A lot of the criticism I witness is due to the blogger either not eating something the critic thinks they ought to eat, or eating too much of something they think they ought not to eat.

Who made them the expert?

Personal taste, culture, and so many other factors are responsible for our food choices.  When you look at the hugely varying diets of people from all over the world, it’s clear that no one choice fits all.

For example, how different is this:

The Caven family of California's weekly food, from Hungry Planet as featured in Time (click to visit whole gallery)

From this:

The Revis family of South Carolina's weekly food, from Hungry Planet as featured in Time (click to visit whole gallery)

If that isn’t a big enough contrast for you, how about this?

The Ayme family of Tingo's weekly food, from Hungry Planet as featured in Time - click to visit feature.

Or even this!

Aboubakar family of Breidjing Camp's weekly food, from Hungry Planet, as featured in Time, click to view entire feature.

I think it’s pretty clear, there IS no ‘normal’ when it comes to what people eat. Our diets are as varied as we are individual, and differ according to where we live, our cultural and religious beliefs, our income, what is available, and our dietary needs and preferences.

The book Hungry Planet: What The World Eats is a fascinating look at the weekly food intake and expenditure of families all over the world. I first borrowed the actual book, but I’ve found it online in a Time gallery here, it’s well worth a visit.

A similar project looking at individual daily intakes is What I Eat – around the world in 80 diets. 

Normal eating means having a healthy relationship with food. It is flexible and trusting. With normal eating patterns, we eat as do small children and babies, consuming food naturally when hungry and stopping when full, attuned to inner signals.

Normal eating refers to eating behavior – how a person eats, not what. Typical emphasis today focuses only on what foods people eat. How we eat gets ignored, yet it is at the root of many eating and weight problems.

Normalizing eating can improve life immeasurably for the chronic dieter or disordered eater and help them move on with their lives.

What is normal eating?
• A healthy relationship with food that is natural, trusting and flexible.
• Usually eating at regular times, typically three meals and one or two snacks to satisfy hunger.
• The amount eaten is regulated by inner signals of hunger and satiety. The normal eater is attuned to these signals, eating when hungry and stopping when full and satisfied.       (source)

MY eating is not normal. I don’t know if it will ever be normal. I also think there are situations in which normal eating as defined above will not be possible, and yet that particular person’s eating is as normal as possible for them. For example, the diet of a recovering bulimic who finds her binges are triggered by sugar and sets out to avoid it. Some critics might say, she isn’t listening to her body at all, she’s cutting out a whole food group, she’s restricting, etc etc etc. But if it helps her to avoid bingeing – then that does constitute normal and healthy eating for her.

So, my friends, please stop comparing and criticising yours and other people’s diets. Instead, enjoy the diversity of what your friends eat.

Do you feel your eating is ‘normal’?

What constitutes normal eating to you? 

Shut Up, and Stop Being Brainwashed!

Reblogged from shutupskinnybitches:

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Brainwashed is a fixed belief system where your free will is gone.  Instead, your attitudes reflect that you have learned a rigid set of rules that apply across all situations.

Since this is not a school paper, I can cite how Wikipedia defines it!  “Brainwashing is the application of coercive techniques to change the values and beliefs, perceptions and judgments, and subsequent mindsets and behaviors of one or more people.”

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"Brainwashed is a fixed belief system where your free will is gone. Instead, your attitudes reflect that you have learned a rigid set of rules that apply across all situations. Since this is not a school paper, I can cite how Wikipedia defines it! “Brainwashing is the application of coercive techniques to change the values and beliefs, perceptions and judgments, and subsequent mindsets and behaviors of one or more people.”"

That is my Eating Disorder!!! That is exactly what I am! Brainwashed! All my beliefs are so fixed, and they certainly were not mine, not my born ones.

So many times in my life, I have said to those who challenged my eating disordered ways, that this is the "Way I am". This must be how I'm meant to be. I'm certain I was born this way. Why else does a four year old child restrict, or a five year old child not drink?

It might have started early, but I was not born that way. Neither were you. We have to take into account our childhood, the influences around us - how they shaped our behaviours and thinking.

Dr Maria Rago says we were born with these qualities:

I know for a fact that you were born with the following qualities: You knew that you were beautiful. You did not think you were “too fat.” You knew what tasted great and what tasted like crap. You ate when you were hungry. You stopped when you were full. You knew what you liked to eat. You knew what you were in the mood for.

I think she is right.

Eating disorder thinking and behaviour is not normal. Even if it feels normal to us.

Eating Disorders Coalition News and Information: The “K&E Diet” is Wrong

Eating Disorders Coalition News and Information: The “K&E Diet” is Wrong.

Take a stand against this sickening diet fad -

“Take a Stand Against the K & E Diet! 

The Eating Disorders Coalition encourages you to contact The Today Show to express your dismay at their recent coverage of the “K & E Diet”, a diet that uses feeding tubes to promote rapid weight loss. By giving the “K & E Diet” such prime airtime The Today Show encouraged risky weight loss strategies. Fad diets and rapid weight loss are potentially dangerous. At least 1 in 4 people who goes on a diet develops eating disordered thoughts and behaviors.  Two out of 10 people with anorexia die of the disorder.  This is not a laughing matter.  The tragic reality is that some people suffering from eating disorders die because they can’t get the feeding tube they need in order to survive because insurance companies all too often don’t cover life saving eating disorder treatment.

Take a stand now.