As long as I stay sick with the eating disorder, those who hurt me still are winning.
The best revenge is living well.
Part of why I’ve never recovered is because I’m scared that my life will never be abuse free when I’m well.
But that is in my control. I am the one who has the power to not let people breach my boundaries in the future. I have that control.
Another excuse destroyed
There will never be a reason to recover, not for me anyway. There will never be a guarantee that life will be awesome, that I’ll be happy, or that I will be okay.
I am the only one who can change my future in any way – and that is directly from my choices right now. So when I ask myself if life will be better, if I will be okay, I have to answer myself with “How badly do you want it to be that, how badly do you want to be okay?” If I want to know if I’ll dance again, the answer is, “How badly do you want to dance?”.
Because the only way I can find out, is by getting there. Through getting better. And the longer I stay sick, the worse my chances get of things being better or okay or me being able to dance or any of the things I ask when I ponder getting better.
I came across a really good blog entry by Marya Hornbacher (author of Wasted) in which she talks about her recovery. She said that there never WILL be a right time, she would never have been ready to do it. She had to just do it. She’s right.
The choice to get better is like the choice to jump out of a plane. You can’t see that your parachute will work. There is no guarantee of that. No guarantee that you will land in the right place, that your landing will be safe and soft. You have to blindly trust. And in the same way, with getting better, you have to blindly trust that it will be okay and just do it.