When I first started blogging, it was really for me, so I could have a place to vent how I really feel. What is really going on in my thoughts, especially if they were negative thoughts. I spend my days putting on that happy face and assuring people I’m ‘fine’. There ARE people in my life I can be honest with – but sometimes I feel even they must get sick of me when I’m whining constantly and never happy with my lot.
Not that I am never happy – I have so many moments of what I think is happiness – because I’m not sure what happiness IS. My moments are those in which I’m just overwhelmed with gratitude, overcome with the.. amazingness that this world and life can be. When I’m just there, in the moment, with the sun shining and the breeze blowing with trees and green all round, and my cat is happily sunning herself by my side… times like that, I think I know happiness.
Sadly the depression has been a big time downer lately. Sometimes, no matter how good things are, you are so bogged down with the depression that it is like being stuck under a thick blanket. Or on the other side of some invisible force field that cuts you off from joining in. You can see it but you can’t be part of it. You can make a smile or a fake laugh to emulate what others are doing in reaction to whatever situation you are in, but inside you are withered and dead, nothing. Just tired, oh so tired.
I don’t know if the fatigue I’m feeling is a result of the depression, the long term malnutrition and still being under-nourished, or both. It’s the most debilitating thing. Most days I feel like a very, very old woman, I creak, I groan, I moan, I struggle to get out of bed and up from chairs, I walk slowly, hunched over.
At the moment, I just want to sleep. I slept most of Sunday and Monday away. Sleeping for me, is also a form of avoidance. When I’m out to it, I don’t have to face the fact that my life is scary and hard to live. I’ve worked hard to put things into my life, I still feel so behind in terms of doing things. And yet I have felt positive for the first time that I can actually catch up to some degree – I’m on my way to working, finally. I’m on my way to dancing again. I’m about to start another art workshop. I’m getting out and doing more things for enjoyment with friends. Trying so hard.
But there is so much fear. What if I am never free from the eating disorder or the depression? What if I’m this tired and this depressed for the rest of my life? I know that it’s not that ‘bad’ a thing to live with, but when the fatigue and the depression have hold of me, life just isn’t worth living – it’s a torment. It’s a toss up whether the eating disorder or the fatigue/depression are worse. Put them together, and I just don’t have a chance.
And the eating disorder – I often doubt I can beat it. I KNOW it’s possible, and I KNOW I have come a long way – but I also know how easy it is to undo all that hard work and progress in the blink of an eye. Every minute of every day, ED is in my head, picking at me. Yelling and screaming at me. Cajouling and pressuring me. I spend the day in thrall to it – not a happy thrall, but a fearful, overwhelmed thrall. It makes me expand as I walk, every person who happens to walk past me is so tiny and I’m this huge montrosity of a creature, towering over them, my oversized limbs taking up all the space so they have to shrink to pass me. It is a horrible feeling. I am surprised when I get home to find NO chafing rash and that my clothes come off easily, because as I walk, I feel my thighs rubbing together, I feel my arms rubbing my torso, and I feel wobbles as all my bits just… globble along, like globs of fat in shoes. I’m exploding out of my clothes like Violet in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory after she eats the forbidden gum and blows up like a massive blueberry. But it’s all in my mind.
Also in my mind is the constant chant “You need to lose weight. You are SO huge now. TOO huge. ” I find myself looking down at my jeans, the jeans that used to fall off me without a belt, that used to be baggy around my legs but now are tight, skin tight – and it says “You need to lose 20 kilograms!! You are SO much bigger than you used to be. That 20 kilos needs to come off right now!” and I am defeated – because there is NO way I can do that – and NO way that I should do that, if I want to live.
And therein lies the question. DO I want to live?
Most of the time, I say, of course I want to live. Life hasn’t been amazing, yet, it’s been hard and harsh. But I haven’t experienced life without the ED, without the depression, without the struggle. Safe, with nobody hurting me. Financially okay from having a job. Feeling fulfilled from being able to actually contribute. I’ve never experienced that – so I can’t just give up on life as not worth living yet, can I, because I don’t know that it can’t be, in the future. I realise that it does take time to get from here to there.
What scares me is that I will never be able to enjoy life no matter how many of those things are in place for me. I’m scared that the depression will be a lifelong thing that overshadows it all and makes me a miserable person despite everything. I’m scared that I’ll screw up somehow and even though I’m working hard, these things will fall through. Nobody will want to give me a job. I’ll be awful at ballet. I’ll never paint well again. Etc. And that will happen if I give into the ED and lose weight – I will lose the lot. This is why I’m struggling so hard to NOT give in. Because on the one hand – I can’t cope with this weight, can’t cope with living in this fatsuit. On the other, it’s literally life and death. My body can’t cope medically with another relapse, and I can’t cope with seeing my tenaciously established budding dreams smashed down again. It’s not worth it.
Most of all, I’m just so tired. So very, very tired. Weary, exhausted, utterly spent. Life has never not been a struggle, never not been painful, hard, frightening… and I’ve given all I have. I have never given up, no matter how difficult things were. Never. But I’m only human, and I don’t have an endless fountain of strength here. I feel like I ran out a long time ago and have been dragging myself through life on an empty tank. Something needs to change fast, because I can’t keep endlessly fighting for that much longer.
So that is honestly how I feel – without censoring. Writing all this doesn’t mean that I’m going to go through with giving up or giving in to the eating disorder – quite the opposite. It means I’m not holding in how I really feel and instead writing happy, airy-fairy lies about how amazing and oh-so-awesome my life is now compared to ‘back then’. Because it is a lot better in many ways, but in many other ways, it’s a lot harder. I can’t escape from my feelings or fears the way I used to, and I didn’t have to worry about being a failure or my future before, because I didn’t have a future and I was already a failure.
It just helps to get this out, a bit like letting out a breath you have been holding for far too long. I needed some fresh air.
Thank you for reading.
Awesome lolcats courtesy of I can haz cheezeburger 
OK, first i love the kitty images from top to bottom (course i never want a kitty to get drunk … oh, and meow, life ain’t good in THAT condition… )
I’m glad you use this space to tell your truth. I don’t want to hear airy fairy tales: If you are suffering with depression and an ED, there is NO AIR, NO FAIRY dust … nothing of the sort. There is exhaustion, despair and plenty of it.
There is hope. I know your situation. I know that you do not want to live your life laying on a bed thinking, why not get it over with now? Then you calm yourself … fall asleep again … wake up and think, why not end it now? Then your mind is obsessed with ED thoughts to distract you from suicidal thoughts and depression.
This disease has so much to do with starvation, dehydration and the devastating effects to brain function and impulse control.
Nutrition can help greatly, but sadly, it’s TRULY not enough.
I hope that more research is done on the affects of malnutrition and the brain, and the onset of depression (brain chemical imbalances) and the connection with other addictions or OCD disorders.
I know you will make it out of this. I don’t know for sure what will life you out of this. I am determined to PRAY you well on my own. With that being said, there are a lot of others who are helping me in the praying duties!
Much love, empathy and compassion for my lil sis! Love Meliss
Melis, you have always been my biggest cheerleader and I thank you for that with all myheart, it’s people like you who are the reason I’m still here. Love you so much xxx
I wish i could type … i meant LIFT you out of this … it was a Freudian slip … LIFE you into Life … a less stressed life. Honey, i know the depression makes your body ache too. Your body can and will recover when your mind and heart LOVE YOU ENOUGH to bring you out of this. You have friends who will love you until you can believe in your wonderfulness. XO melis
In a way, you ARE typing me out of this- your loving kind words that you type from across the ocean! Thank you so much for your love – you are one of those friends. Love you so much!! xxxx
There are so many things i’d like to say but don’t even know where to start. It breaks my heart to know that you go through this every moment of every day, this torment, guilt, fear, fatigue. I know you won’t give up on life. You never have and i know you never will. I love you so much.
thank you for helping me get through every single day, Ange. We are both going to make it. I love you too, dearly xxxx
You have what it takes to succeed in this life darling. You’ve already proven it over and over by surviving your life til now. Few people would have come through what you have. There is also a little girl in your heart who has endless hope for herself. You must protect her, she deserves it. Everyone hurt and abused her and she survived and now she needs YOUR protection. Don’t do to her what others have done. What I mean is, don’t hurt yourself, others have already done to that to you enough. Treat your little Fiona with the same compassion, kindness and love you treat others. SHE is that little voice of hope.
I hope that you can see all of this is true for you, too, little angel xxx
ALWAYS blog for you. I think when you’re in the position where life is largely faked with ‘fines’ having somewhere where you can actually express yourself is so important, and I’m so glad you wrote this post.
They say hope dies last, and whether or not the depression lets you see it always or sometimes or never, it’s there. And it’s there in you enough for some chick on a computer to see it too. If hope is literally the only thing you are running off… I know it must be awful in so so many ways, depression is so unbelievably cruel – but you have that, and it’s far from ‘nothing’.
Also, there’s only one way to find out what lies ahead
Love
That is something to really hang on to, Lauren – “Hope dies last” – so true. It’s as essential as breath. And you and I must have a hell of a LOT of hope to still be here, after all we have been through, right? I hope you can apply your amazing words here to yourself too – because it’s just as true for you. And yes, we have to hang in there to see how this life pans out – because otherwise we will never know!!! Lots of love xxxx
Hi Fiona,
I’m really sorry that you’ve been feeling so down… Still, thank you so much for sharing. Even though I haven’t been through even a tiny fraction of what you’ve been through, I can very much relate to the constant feeling of fatigue (usually a combination of depression and not that great nutrition in my case), using sleep as an escape and not knowing what happiness really is for me. And yes, I also feel like I’ve already whined enough times to get on everyone’s nerves.
Still, I really appreciate your honesty. And the cat pictures as well
Take care! xxx
Hello Zuzka, I’m so sorry that you have been through depression and fatigue too. Never think that what you have been through isn’t valid or isn’t as ‘much’ as someone else’s struggle – because it is. What we have been through is relative to US – we all have different thresholds and different situations. I might not have been able to live through what YOU have, and vice versa.
xxxx
I am glad you loved the cats – I can’t get enough of them
The disordered thoughts and the tendency toward depression WILL probably always be there. They’re a part of you. But does that mean they will always be this strong? No way. You’re already doing significantly better than you were a year or two or ten ago, because you’re fighting this and making the choice to live. Imagine a year or two or ten in the future, if you’ve continued to fight. The ED voice and the tendency toward depression might still bother you some days, or even most. But you’ll be SO much stronger by then–stronger for every day you haven’t given in. You WILL be happier. You WILL be finding meaning and value and health. I absolutely believe in you. <3
Thank you so much, Scarlett, this gives me a lot more hope, you are right. It makes a lot of sense that the tendancies will be there – but they don’t have to be so overpowering. And yes, I’ve come a long way, I have to remember that. I look back on even a couple of years ago and I never would have believed anyone who told me about my life now, so who knows what the next year or two might bring? I can’t picture it but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Thank you so much for believing in me. I believe in you too – because you have that strength and courage and you have survived what many never could xxx <3
About the fear of life…the what ifs….there are no answers to ‘what if’ questions…the only way you, and anybody can deal with this is trusting, just as you are always telling me to do. And it would be worse wouldn’t it, to have come through all the pain and struggle that you have so far, (well done!!!) and get to now and go ‘what if its too hard?’ and so don’t go through with them. Think of the things you’ve done lately that prove that life can be better. There’s only one way to find out. It might be paradise. Sometimes I think about what how I’m going to rate my life when I’m 90 and on my ‘deathbed’ so to speak (and yes I plan on getting there by taking care of myself now, lol!)…do I want to say I didn’t do this and that and everything else because I had too many ‘what if’ questions? Or do I want to say, ‘I tried and I don’t regret anything!’ whatever the outcome? I also think the outcomes will be much greater than either of us can even know, but it depends on us believing in ourselves and the universe enough to try. I am so with you in this. We can do it together,and hope that it will make both of us less afraid.
You are doing well! YOU ARE DOING WELL! Don’t doubt yourself anymore!
I love you. xoxoxox
You have been such a blessing to me, Ange… and yes, we want to know we have tried everything. Not spoken about life and planned and hoped but DONE it. LIVED it. Fully. You are so right, we dont’ know what life can be like, not really, what a shame to never know. what a shame to give up after coming all this way through so much. We CAN do this and we have each other through this fight.. we CAN do it, it’s a small matter of believing. And even if we don’t believe, pushing forward anyway. I love you too, sweetheart xoxoxox
Oh my dear, Your feelings are all related to depression. That’s how we thing when we’re there…nothing will ever change etc. Please just be reminded that things will improve..there are blessings ahead…God is walking right beside you right now and knows your thoughts…”His hands are partly those of us who have been there and can encourage you to realize that! You have some pluses going on for you..you said so…get involved with them…If you need a reminder of things to be grateful for…write a few each day down to re-read them when you need to…small things and not just big ones…a warm cup of coffee, a pet who makes you smile, a beautiful day, a friend, a funny tv show of course the Lord …..you get the idea…try to write these things down to remind you daily that live can get better ,,You can and you will because God ‘wills’ it for you and so do I and many others….You remain in my prayers…Diane
Thank you for sharing so much comfort with me – reminding me of the blessings, and that we are never really alone. He IS always with us – even more so when we are feeling the most alone of all. You have such wisdom and such a caring heart to reach out to others to share it – thank you for being such a blessing to others xx
I agree with everything said above, and I just want to add (though I may have said it before) that your courage is incredible and you are a huge inspiration to me. Reading your blog for the first time, I was shocked by the things you have survived, and the fact that you still find joy in your cat and the sunshine is really very humbling. As Scarlett said, the eating disorder may never truly leave you, but it seems like things are going to get better very soon. Your eating disorder drill sergeant might be shouting at you that it’s not worth doing ballet unless it’s PERFECT and things like that, but remember his whole purpose in life is to lie to you and try to destroy you.
You have no responsibility to anyone but yourself, but you have gone through so much and your personality has emerged still shining. You deserve some enjoyment at last, and the chance to be productive. I have confidence that all your struggles against the eating disorder, no matter how pointless they seem at times, will result in an improvement in your life. You certainly deserve it.
I’m a bit selfconscious that this might sound silly, but they are what I thought on reading the blog. It is meant sincerely.
Rose, this is not a silly comment, it’s an amazing comment and you have picked up so much from reading just my little blog – thank you for your belief in me and your encouragement. You really do understand the fear underlying it and yes, I think it’s hope that has kept me going all this way despite all that has happened. I wish I knew more about you!! To have such wisdom and such kind words for a stranger – you must be an amazing person.
Thank you so much for your encouragement and belief and hope xx
You deserve all of it! Thank you also
x
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but haven’t really known what to say. I am, unfortunately, familiar with depression. I think I’ve accepted that it will always be there – sometimes strongly, sometimes just a memory. Have you heard the song “As Long As You Are Glorified” by Mark Altrogge? We sang it in church last Sunday, and it made me realise that even in hard times, God is still there. The words are so powerful.
I love your name – “Iambeautifulandconfident”. Thank you so much for speaking up and reaching out to me. I have not heard that song – but I am going to google it on Youtube, because it sounds well worth hearing. God IS still here, in fact, He’s here the MOST when we feel the MOST alone. I love that footprints poem – He carries us through our hardest times. Bless you xxx
Hey Fiona,
Sorry you’re struggling, i’ve been there, it sucks, but life is definitely worth living! it sounds to me that your biggest struggle, the thing that has you most is fear! you can overcome that but not alone…fear has me too, but slowly it is losing it’s grip…there is certainly hope!!
I’m sorry you have been there – knowing that you have been through so much and yet you are still hanging in there inspires me. You are right. Fear is what I struggle with too. There is hope for us both – endless hope. And fear isn’t as scary as it seems! xxx
yes, fear likes to appear as a mountain, and really it’s a molehill, but to tell our brains that is almost impossible at times…lol Here’s hoping today is a better day…one moment at a time! love and hugs!
Every day is a chance to have a better day than the last
I love that about life, don’t you 
some days…lol
I want to hug you and to say that, you are not alone on this. I get you. I am you.
I don’t remember what is living without an ED… so I count any better day as a progress.
My jeans are too tight too.
And there are days I want to die…
But sometimes a smile, a comment or the cat begging to be pet, save the moment, the day… life.
And I hope I’m stubborn enough to prove I can do it. I can be free. I believe in you too, my little Australian dancer.
I want to hug YOU now… We both can be free… we both WILL be free xxx
My dear Fi … I feel so much with you! I know many of the things you describe … the living with an ED (started too early to remember how it is without), the self-hatred (again as long as I can remember), the depression, the fatigue, the fear of failing, the fear of not wanting enough, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of never being able to care for myself, the fear of not being wanted, the fear of not getting a job, the fear of ruining my life, the fear of never feeling well, the fear of never being happy.
I’m gradually coming to realize that those little moments of happiness (you described them very well) are what life is about. It’s not about being successful, being a struggle, being painful and dull. It’s about happiness, gratitude, feeling, connection. When I really understood that I am not alone because there are people who care for me, I could start to let go off my fear of the future which had paralyzed me (and is at the root of almost everything I struggle with).
I was in a life-threatening condition as well a couple of years ago, and had a serious depression on top of it. But I managed to get out of it again, and if I could, you can as well!
Yes, yes yes!!!!! You are completely utterly correct, that IS what life is about – those small moments and how precious they are! In those moments we realise that everything is worth it, to have this moment.
I am so thankful that you are here today and alive and on your own journey back to life, Kath – because I got to meet you, and my life has been so much richer for having met you. You truly are a blessing xxx
Thank you so much, Fi!
I just wrote a long comment and then my internet got confused
I’ll try and remember it.
These lovely comments say it all, i second Scarlett’s comment – think of how far you’ve come in a couple of years and if you keep fighting, and i can understand the tiredness, depression tires me out but reading this post i could FEEL your tiredness is so much more consuming, and think of how far you will have come in a couple of years time. You’ll be so glad that you didn’t give up.
I didn’t know you before you started this blog but something has changed in you to have come so far. You’re SO close to what you’ve been aiming for – pilates, dancing, health. There’s no reason to give up, other than the pull of obeying the ED being so strong. You’re a fighter Fiona, you’ve had to be, and you deserve to relax and enjoy life and not have to fight through everyday. I know that someday it won’t be such a struggle, and i KNOW that you will recover. You’re too insightful not to
xx
The internets is so good at being confused
I’m so glad you wrote your comment again – thank you. When times get tough, it’s people like you who help me to remember that it’s only temporary and that things are still a lot better than they were – that I’ve fought this hard to get this far, it would be such a waste to give up now. From one fighter and survivor to another – THANK YOU xoxox
And….days later I STILL don’t even know how to comment but I keep thinking I have to say this……reading this? I had like a panic attack. I understand I think how you must feel …. and like…I am so scared of that. I have tears in my eyes right now (yes really) because writing about this just brings forth the terror.
that’s…….I get so paralyzed by fear I can’t even fin……
I’m so sorry this scares you, Missy. I didn’t mean for that to happen to anyone but I see how it can. Are you scared that you will go through your own recovery process and end up struggling too? Or end up depressed and fatigued? The problem is that we never KNOW what is in store for us, we just have to trust. Because if we don’t try to recover because we are scared that something might happen – that we might not be happy, that we might not ever get better, that we might relapse, that we might plunge into depression, that we might be crippled anyway by the physical problems.. we will never get better at all if we allow those fears to stop us.
What I CAN promise you is that if you stay as sick as you are, it will kill you sooner or later and it will cripple you before it kills you. I’m sorry because that’s horrible but it’s the truth. And the tragedy would be that you never had a chance to see if life on the other side NOW as opposed to before anorexia with all the problems then, was better (and chances are it will be, because anorexia has been the catalyst for you to see that something is deeply wrong and work on changing that so it won’t be the way it was before anorexia, if it wasn’t good because of problems)
We are also all so different. I have a long history of depression and I’m pretty sure I’m predisposed to it, so if you don’t have a history of it, chances are you will be fine depression wise, if anything have less depression than now because you have the nutrition, it’s proven that most depression in people with ED’s is caused by their malnutrition.
My physical problems were caused by staying sick for so long, which is why I have them now, and if anything they have improved since I gained weight – I think that I’ve become a wimp in my period of things being better and whinge over things that aren’t even anywhere near as bad as ‘back then’ and I’m so thankful that things are so much better now, even when I’m having a whinge.
I hope that in some way this makes sense and that this helps.. and that I haven’t totally missed your point. Please keep on fighting, you are so worth it and so deserving of a better life xxx
Fiona … excellent advice (yes i’m going soon)
Missy, I am here to say, i have growths in my throat (benign), i’ve lacerated my throat, i have a hiatal hernia, most of my teeth are capped, the ones that survive are few. I’ve had infections in my mouth that blew my jaw up to the size of pop eye’s, i had early Crohn’s disease, before i turned my life around, i had osteoperosis at age 30, and IF i wouldn’t have turned myself around i could be dead, or crippled. Or, i could have spent $22K to get teeth that would soon fall out, i could have broken and re-broken bones, I would literally be shitting my pants. My heart would palpitate … and i’d spend all my time in the doctors office and at the grocery store. Plus i’d keep exercising to make sure i kept re-injuring myself. It is nothing to screw with. It will kill you if you don’t keep trying and trying some more. Cry … BE SCARED … BUT PUSH THROUGH. Please listen to Fiona. Staying sick is not glamorous, or a “way out”. It is a way of life … but do you want it??? Really?? And, it will be a short, unhappy life. There are people who care and who you can reach out to … they can support you in either way you’d like. But do you want to stay sick? I don’t think you do. FIGHT!
You can eat and not get fat, i promise you. Take the little steps you can to heal.
I love this, Melis, thank you for sharing your wisdom