People often ask me, after years of being so sick, and so stuck – to the point where I wasn’t expected to survive and my treatment team only really kept me alive to legally cover themselves, admitting me only on death’s door – how did things change for me? Why did I suddenly go from hopeless to so full of hope?
In many ways it seems a very sudden development, but it’s not. I think all of us face turning points in our lives, points where we simply cannot continue on as we have been. Wiktionary defines turning point as ”A decisive point at which a significant change or historical event occurs, or at which a decision must be made.” Both are true for myself, in my journey.
When I look back at this seemingly ‘sudden’ turnaround, it’s not that sudden at all. I can see that I was growing and changing in ways that were not then visible – even to myself – that came together in the end to enable change to be made outwardly. During the times that much of this growth was occurring, I was depressed and felt hopeless, I felt that I had tried, and tried, and tried, and nothing had worked, that I had nothing left to give and would be better off dead. That I had been fighting endlessly and had gotten nowhere. I had no idea I was already on the road to improving. I wonder if I had known, I would have had more hope? I’ll never know. The important thing was that little things were changing.
I was learning how to cope better with the things that I didn’t cope with before – with flashbacks, nightmares, emotions. I was learning to be more accepting of myself – I was learning more ABOUT myself – and I was learning that it’s okay to fall down. I fell down big time, and many times, over those years and most of the time I needed a LOT of help to get back up again. My pride took a huge battering. I lost every shred of dignity, was completely humbled, and now that I look back at that, I see that although it was not a nice thing to go through at all, it helped me. When you have humbled yourself and being able to say, “Yes, I suck right now, I’m a failure, and I need your help” and reach out and accept the help offered – you truly cannot fall any lower. The only way from there can be up. And sometimes it’s important for us to reach this point so we can get over ourselves and be forced to see ourselves in all our brokenness – in order to get past the denial that can prevent us from ever otherwise accepting the help we need.
I am Christian. I will not pretend that I am not. I usually don’t talk much about it, because I feel very ‘new’ to it, and am scared of putting my foot in it big time by saying something that turns out to be the wrong thing. A lot of my Bible reading occurred during my sickest period and so a lot of the facts went through my cottage cheese brain and promptly vanished, so I also find myself stumbling when it comes to quoting, referring to the Scripture, to remembering important points… I also have been worried that sometimes people who do NOT believe are offended, and I don’t want to alienate anyone. I am a live and let live person. My beliefs are mine, and I have them because of things that have occurred in my life and how and what I feel. Other people come by their beliefs in a similar way. Also none of us has a right to say “My beliefs are right, and yours are not” because none of us can ever know that for sure, and it’s arrogant to assume our beliefs are right or better than someone else’s.
Where this is leading is that my faith did play a big part in my being here today – although I hate it when I’m reading a book where someone recovers, whether it’s from an eating disorder or something else, and they just say “God cured me”. I hate it. Because it doesn’t just happen like that. I do believe in miracles, yes, but miracles usually have a lot of work involved in making them happen – they are miracles because they should not have happened, should have been impossible, were against the odds. But they didn’t just happen. People have said that my own turning things around is a miracle, because I should be dead, there wasn’t hope for me and my body was on it’s last legs – but I know it’s not, I know how much hard work and time and tears and perseverance has gone into getting this far.
I have always been a very spiritual person. I did go through a very dark period where I lost all faith in there being any thing called God out there, and I lost all hope. I defined hope as being something that you can only have if you know for sure that what you hope for (life, feeling better, etc) CAN happen – and I did not. I couldn’t fathom that anything could get better for me, and therefore I had no hope. As for God, I felt totally alone. If He existed, I surmised, He had long turned His face from me in disgust.
But I did strongly feel, within myself, something bigger and more powerful out there. Some kind of energy, or spirit. Something great. Something benevolent, caring.. I could feel that. When my Dad was dying for example, I went up there to his city full of anger and despair, raging at the world – “how could you take my Dad? How could you give him cancer? How could you make him suffer so much, he’s a good man?” But when I got there and was by his side and he was dying, I felt deep down that this was as it was meant to be. I will never be able to describe what I felt in words really – but I could almost feel something like ‘gears’ grinding – could almost feel that all life goes in cycles, and that my Dad’s was grinding to an end – and then, after he died, I could feel him continue on a new cycle, where, I do not know. But I felt all that. It didn’t make it less painful, but it did feel like this was meant to happen and part of life, my Dad’s time was here to go. I’ve always been very connected to nature and I can’t not feel that there is something far greater under all we can see on the surface and that essentially it is filled with LIFE.
Back to God – one day, I just happened to come out of a session with a case manager and walk into the church across the road, into a mid week service that I’d passed by for years and never felt tempted to join. I still do not know why I walked in that day. But what I do know, is that it was one of the turning points in my life that I can definitely identify, even though nothing earth shattering happened that day. What was important was the people I met there.
I was greeted and welcomed by a lovely lady and a just as lovely girl closer to my age who became dear friends. They made me feel worthy of being there, and it did feel like I’d joined their ‘family’. I came to look forward to my wednesdays spent with the kindest people I know, that church group, and started spending more and more time with them – they did become my own family for a while. They accepted me, no questions asked. Totally unconditionally. There was no sense of ”When you have gotten better, gained weight, fixed up your problems, then we will accept you.” It was NOW. Despite all, despite the fact that I was an emaciated, bingeing, anxious, shy MESS – they loved me despite that. They loved me for ME. No matter where I was in my journey, they would meet me there and walk by my side during anything and everything it took to get through it all.
This was probably the most important thing of all for me, certainly at this stage of my life, but probably in my whole life. Who of us does not need to know they are okay? I struggled for a long time to understand how they could so easily like me, even love me as they came to. I could love them, because they were such lovely people. I came to be able to trust in God, that He existed, because I could see every quality that describes God in these people – shining from their eyes, their actions, their words, their hearts. They lived their faiths – and passed it on to me in a very real way I could no longer ignore or doubt.
Being unconditionally loved and accepted meant that I began to realise that there must be something in me, horrible little Fiona – that was loveable and acceptable. It was a huge enlightening for me. I have grown up always feeling completely inferior to the rest of the whole world – and had that pretty much beaten into me as a child – that I was not good enough, that I was even quite disgusting. So for the first time, I decided that it was time to give this girl a chance, to stop just hating for the sake of hating, and get to know her – get to know myself – really and truly. And I also came to realise how little I knew myself. I was a stranger to myself. No wonder I had been trying to kill myself for all these years – being trapped in a stranger’s hated body, what else would someone do?
And so things began to change. My hatred of myself and my self destruction started to lessen. I still found myself overwhelmed with self loathing, but I was kinder – I started seeing a Christian counsellor and learnt how to refute the lies that flew at me thick and fast with simple truths, and to believe those simple truths more and more. I learnt to arm myself with the truth -
“ Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. (11) Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. (12) For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (13) Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. (14) Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; (15) And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; (16) Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. (17) And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: (18) Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;”Ephesians 6: 10-18 NIV
And I learnt that God loved me – every hair of my head, He knew and loved me – despite my sins – and He had never turned from me – indeed He had found a way to reach me despite ME turning from Him. How arrogant was I, to hate someone who HE loved?
Slowly my behaviours started to lessen in their rigidity and I began to have the courage to change in tiny ways. I began eating tiny bits with my friends at the meal we all shared at Church (before this I had just sat with them). I graduated to taking frozen dinners to my counselling sessions, heating them in the microwave there, and eating them before my sessions. I started to trust people more, and learnt about having stronger boundaries – a really useful tool to discourage all those horrible jerks who seem to prey on the vulnerable. (My counsellor called my new attitude my ‘F*ck Off Body Language haha). I spent less time hiding in my home, and more time going to coffee and church and outings. I started making more friends outside of the church too. One thing always led to another in a very natural way. I blossomed.
None of this was enough to save me – I had several more hospital admissions and was the sickest I had been – several admissions involved receiving TPN to save my life. But the seed had been planted, and under the surface, things were growing. In hospital, I was more open to talking with the staff, and had some amazing discussions with nurses that I’d previously not gotten on with, even feared, when they discovered I was Christian. For the first time I wanted to live. I was also prepared to reach out and accept the help. I didn’t close my mind off to it and scream and fight them, I tried my best to accept it and do what I needed to do – to cooperate – and that was hard, because the ED in me still fought like the demon I likened it to. I did not feel in control of myself when I turned into a ‘girl from exorcist’ like creature, hissing and screaming and throwing things, worse a lot of the time as it was cornered. Because I was actively fighting it more than I ever had. I was no longer content to just lie there and let it win.
Out of hospital, I was more honest with my treatment team, and I talked more with them. I engaged more in therapy. Learnt more about how to change my mindset, learnt mindfulness techniques, and started to be able to have my own brand of acceptance – accepting that I hurt, that I hated my body, that horrible things had been done to me, and so much more. Accepting all this – and then moving on. Not letting it hold me frozen like it did before. Feeling the hurt and shame and grief and fear – but not letting it kill me any more.
The hardest thing to accept was that my family hated me. The basic thing most of us human beings crave is to be loved and accepted and you would think that your own family who have known you from birth would be the most likely people to love you – but admitting to myself that they were not capable of loving me, and had never even really bothered to get to know me in all the years I lived with them – was an important step for me. I had to stop trying to foster a relationship with them, in particular my mother, and so stop putting myself constantly in harm’s way to get hurt again and again by them. I did more than this – I walked away. Cut them off totally – No Contact, as it’s called in many circles of survivors of narcissistic and sociopathic abusers.
I finally reached a point where I had enough belief that there was a lot worth living for to ask my treatment team to help me gain weight. I’m sure this was a complete shock to them – as before this, I had spent years fighting their attempts to force weight on me and losing it almost as soon as discharged, meaning they had to go through the forcing process all over again. (I racked up more than 150 hospital admissions in nearly 15 years, mostly for weight gain or medical admissions due to being so sick from the anorexia and bulimia). Not only did I this time ask for the weight gain, I asked to go further. They had for years had a discharge weight for me set at BMI 13.9-14, and I was asking them to go a whole 5 kg above that to BMI 15. Still nowhere near enough, but for me that was a huge fear that I was willingly facing. At first they did not believe me – and refused. But I convinced them, and it happened. It was NOT easy. I had to ‘eat’ the weight on and for years I’d put it on through nasogastric and/or TPN – so it was awful. My body was in very poor health and it seemed like everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I felt constantly humiliated there in the hospital, and had to face up to that and keep on despite knowing that being ‘voluntary’ this time around I could leave any time I wanted to. I pushed on. It took two admissions, but I did it, and I’ve maintained that weight gain ever since. The first time in years that I didn’t immediately drop a huge amount in the first week of being home.
I still have a long way to go. I have much more weight I need to put on. I still struggle with both restricting and bingeing and purging. I still have a tendency to over exercise despite the pain my body gives me. I’m slowly changing and making small gains in these behaviours over time. I’ve also had more positive changes in my life in recent times than in years and years altogether. I’ve moved to a lovely new place. I have a garden, and actively garden it. My cat Shalimar is happier, because I’m not as sick and I play with her more. I go out with friends more, now, to restaurants, for coffee, to the beach, the pool, other outings. I have done an art workshop and am about to start another one that goes a few months ending in an exhibition. I’ve completed a course of hydrotherapy and am halfway through the back pain group course. I’ve been doing well at physiotherapy and have much better posture, less pain, more strength, and am soon to start ballet again after never believing it could be possible again. I’ve faced my fear of transport, public places, and now I go out all the time on my own. I’ve put strategies in place that have helped me stay shoplifting free for this entire period in 2012 so far. And I’ve been working with an agency and am close to having my first paid job, as a library assistant. How cool is that!
I also have faith that there is much more to come, and that despite struggling constantly with bouts of depression, fatigue and pain, and the CPTSD, I’m learning to live despite that – and realising that life can be quite liveable for me, despite everything. It’s worth it, and I’m finally, slowly, coming to believe that I’m worth it, too.
Have you had any turning points in your life? How did they help or hinder you?
I am so, so happy that you found people that were supportive to you, it so important to our own sense of humanity to be loved and accepted for who we are. That were caring and compassionate, and accepting of you as you were then, and as you are now. I too believe that miracles take a lot of our own hard work. I think if we put in the work, I like to believe there is something out there that gives us a little helping hand when we really need it. But miracles don’t just happen. They happen to people like you, who try every day, and put in work and effort for them. What’s more, just this very effort, regardless of the outcome, makes you even STRONGER than before. And you put this work in over many years and you started to find the little miracles yourself in every day life…those bits that DO make life worth living.
I totally understand how you can have these realisations and learning experiences, and yet they are not ‘enough’ to just suddenly make you better. I have written the same thing myself, in my own story, funnily enough! Though maybe not as eloquently as you have put it here…that these realisations come slowly and gradually and their impact on our behaviours and thoughts is even more gradual, so it sometimes feels like nothing has changed… but inside, with every single one of these experiences and realisations, something small has shifted and won’t ever go back to where it was before.
There are GREAT things in you Fiona, as I said to you the other day, YOU yourself are a success story, a miracle. I don’t know someone who has more reason than you to keep going. I don’t know anyone who deserves the very best that life has to offer, more than YOU deserve it.
There is lots more I could say but I’m going to toddle off now to bed…sweet dreams darling sister. I love you very much. xoxooxooxoxoxoo
Darling Ange, thank you for all your support and your belief in me, no matter what. Thank you for always being there and for being YOU. YOU are one of my biggest inspirations (I bet you read that and say, who me?) Yes you. I am blessed to have been with you as you fight and work your own miracle – to see your miracle happening right in front of my eyes – wow. And I know that I can do it too.
There is so much we both have to do together! So much life to live for and look forwards to. And I look forward to sharing it with you. Much love xoxoxox
People are the key. Well, you need to make at least a little, wee decision to eat a little food so you feel better …. then you meet people and they love you! That’s the way i always expected it would go for you my lil sis! Keep on going, and don’t let the nasties nip at your heels, if you get my meaning. XO melis
Dancers are really good at kicking
I think meeting people, wonderful people, is such an important thing that helps people to recover from anything! That, and it’s also one of the blessings of getting out there again and being able to live. People make my life worth living – like YOU! Much love xoxo
4 July 2010 – The day that I stopped bingeing and purging and started my continuous climb to fabulous health. Gwendolyn was the reason.
What a blessing Gwendolyn is
My turning point was being sick and tired of being sick and tired….in inpatient treatment I was still working the system; trying my best to keep my eating disorder but somehow be “in recovery” at the same time. I realized my efforts were in vain as I still kept gaining weight and the energy it took to try to hide my behaviors was exhausting. So I figured while I was there, I may as well “fake it til I made it” and started doing what they asked of me. I had to have faith that somewhere out there, there was a reason for me being there, and that whatever weight my body was going to get to, it was supposed to be that weight for a reason. I had to develop a relationship with a higher power and recognize I had to make it about the higher power and not myself. My higher power would take care of me, and if I could just gain the weight and work out my issues, I would eventually get to a place where I actually liked myself. I could surrender what I couldn’t control and leave it up to something else in the universe. So I hit my rock bottom in treatment, and although I had slips and relapses once I left, it was the OA program that turned it all around.
OA does sound very helpful. I agree that there is a lot of ‘surrender’ needed in order to truly be able to turn around and begin the journey towards getting better. I so relate to your trying to hang on to the ED AND be in ‘recovery’ – if only we could hey! But we can’t. We do have to surrender it and surrender TO the process. I also relate to ‘fake it til you make it’. Sometimes we can’t really see for ourselves that it’s worth it, but we have to change something – what we are doing is not working. So it’s a leap of faith to try the other way hoping that it will be worth it. and it is. The message I wanted to give with this post was that no matter where you are in your journey – like you have said you are currently relapsing – that does not mean things are hopeless, because you are always learning and growing. You might be relapsed now, but you are still gaining so much insight and learning so much so this is in a way, a vital step to your overall recovery some day. Keep fighting
You have come such a long way! I’m glad you can recognise your achievements and you sound like you’re beginning to live your life. Friends, your lovely cat, a job – all things you would not have if you were still entrenched in the ED.
I know you say you still have a way to go, but you are stronger now and you need to push yourself that little bit further because you have already proved you can do it. Brave lady xx
Thank you so much – and sometimes, it’s being reminded by others that we have come far. I can see you have come a long way too – sometimes we forget that, when times are hard right now. I’m glad we both know that life is so worth fighting for
xx
So totally ‘Have your cake’
She has proven herself over and over again…that anything is possible. xoxoox
wow Fiona amazing! i too am a Christian and i don’t go into it much on my blog, as it is not about preaching down hurt peoples throats…the way i see it…(just like the church you walked into that day) “They will know we are Christians by our love.” (not our preaching at them) I’m so excited to hear that you are a believer! you are right too..some miracles happen slowly over time!! we are evidence of that. i grew up in church but it is just in my last church before i moved, that i felt truly loved, not judged,accepted where i was at, with no expectations put on me…it is there (along with therapy) that i began to come alive, live, heal, feel joy, walk out of fear! so many churches are damaging, i had been to a damaging one for 10 years. i am so glad the one you walked into, loved!!
Blessings dear Fiona!
xo
I am so glad that you too have experienced that love, Buckwheat!! So glad. You are right that many churches can be damaging – that’s why I no longer go to a church – that little church was demolished, and so many other churches have been a negative experience for me that I would rather focus on my relationship with God and with the awesome church friends I still have rather than risk getting hurt again for now. I could go into a whole rant about that but argh better not
Suffice to say, it’s about God, not about people/leaders of the church, and when people make it about themselves, it goes astray.
Bless you my dear friend xxx
But again – I’m just so glad you have had that experience too. Experiencing God’s love from within a person’s heart.
I so love that He found your man for you. This is a big fear of mine too – the only men who have come into my life so far have been abusive, they seem to find me like being drawn to a bright shiny object. And I have fallen for them – so I can’t trust myself to keep myself safe. I’m glad God found you your partner, and I hope that when the time is right He finds me someone too
if you have a desire for a good man, then God put that there, just ask him for a husband! i chose for me to stop dating, because i was tired of getting hurt. God gave me a promise of a Hubby so i waited. it took seven years and that wait was hard, but so worth it. i never could have trusted myself to choose a man…i knew that. i will have to tell you the story sometime. in the meantime, i’ll pray for a good man for you and that when he comes, you will know in your knower (spirit). God made it so clear to me there was no doubt…but i still doubted…i was scared.
Blessing to you too dear friend xo
oh ya, the only reason i have a good man is because chose him for me…had i chose, a man, i would have been in an abusive situation for sure, because that is the only kind of “man” i was choosing. the story of how we got together is a pure 100% miracle!
I love that you said to ask – because He has said – ask and you will receive! Bless you my friend xx
yes he has!! it doesn’t always look like what we think, but it always works out for our best!
hey,
I’ve just started reading your blog and love it.
I don’t know if I’ve reached a turning point with my eating disorder but I did reach a turning point with drug addiction.
With my eating disorder I want to want recovery if that makes sense but I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I guess I’m in the pre-contemplative stage of making the decision to recover.
I hope you don’t mind my asking but was your shoplifting related to your eating disorder? I shoplift and it is mainly food, binge food. I would love if you could get back to me on this as it would help to know I’m not the only one and I’ve been too ashamed to say it to anyone.
Thanks, I’ll look forward to reading more of your blog.
Much lovexxx
Hi Ruby, I’m sad that you have been through so much – it sounds like life’s been pretty rough for you. It’s a huge thing to overcome drug addiction and I’m sure you will get there with the ED too.
It makes sense about ‘wanting to want’ recovery. Otherwise doing it because ‘that is what we are meant to do’ is an empty, pointless feeling. There needs to be a reason to live. I just hope that you can trust me when I say, you might not be able to see it yet (and at times I still cannot myself) but there IS so much worth living for and right now you just have to hang on tight through the dark times, sometimes all you can do is hold on.
I don’t mind you asking at all. My heart goes out to you, and thank YOU for speaking up. It’s very hard to talk about it because there IS so much shame and self-loathing attached to shoplifting. I know my ED uses it as yet another tool with which to beat myself up. Yes, for me too, it’s mostly food, for bingeing. It can be so expensive to binge all the time. You are far from the only person. In fact, in talking to my doctors I have found that shoplifting is extremely common among people with ED’s, not just people with bulimia, but with restricting anorexia too!! That really surprised me! But nope, we are far from alone.
xx
I wish there was something I could say to help – it’s a very hard thing to beat, especially if you are quite obsessive and rigid about having certain things even in a binge – I was, for example, I could have all the food in the world, but if I didn’t have say a carrot, or a certain brand of something, I couldn’t do it, and in my desperation – yep I would steal it. That grew – it went from stealing one thing, to being driven by starvation and a horrible feeling of frantic anxiety, to take every single thing I could possibly cram in my bags or on my person. I still get very anxious when I go in a shop or think of going shopping, but I’ve asked my support workers if someone can accompany me to a supermarket twice a week. So my ability to binge is very limited, as long as I stay away from shops the rest of the week which I can if I put my mind to it, my shoplifting ability is limited too. There is SUCH peace with not being able to do it any more – the thoughts don’t churn through my mind all the time and keep me up at night any more.. but I still hate myself for it, it will be a long time before I can lose the guilt and disgust at myself about that.
I hope you hang in there and if you ever want to talk about anything, let me know and I’ll drop you an email
Thanks so much for getting back to me, it means so much that you did.
I remember them telling me in treatment that there is a link between eating disorders and shoplifting but I have never met anyone else who does it. It is such a sly and sneaky part of my eating disorder and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I wish I would get caught as that might make me stop. It’s a horrible feeling always looking over your shoulder.
I an engaging in part time outpatient treatment at the moment, I’m expected to gain weight and that is killing me. I feel like my eating disorder is the only thing I have in my life. Other people have jobs and college and families and hobbies but my ed consumes my whole life. I wonder what would be left if it was taken away.
I find reading your blog very inspirational as I can tell you are fighting this thing so hard. I wish you every health and happiness in your recovery. My email is andthenshedisappeared@yahoo.ie
Lots of love to youxxx
Thank you so much for your email. You know, I bet you met more people who did it than you were told – because the shame runs so deep that it’s very hard to admit it even when someone else has! i was most shocked to see a friend with anorexia who also was very well off – had plenty of money – stealing! it’s a horrible thing to always be scared of getting caught too. I hope you do NOT get caught. I have been – and it doesn’t help me to stop, it just makes things worse. You end up with a record that might inhibit your chances in the future to have a normal life – employment etc – and you end up with more reasons to beat yourself up.
lots of love xxx
I so understand about it’s taken everything worth living for from you. So understand that sadly. It broke my own life completely down. There was nothing left to live for and nothing left of me pretty much, I was a shell. But from the ashes, I have been rebuilding and keep being surprised to find it’s not as hard as I thought to rebuild. You do need a very supportive team of people but it’s totally possible. The important thing to do is to take small steps – I used to try and take gigantic leaps. I can’t go straight to a job or straight to study or ballet – it’s little steps like physio, like engaging in the job agency and working with them.. you will get there. I believe in you. I’ll email you
If I could just barge in here? You’re definately not the only one. I, too, struggled with it. Especially in my most restrictive anorexic days, actually. I did not allow myself to spend any money on myself, so sometimes, when the hunger would get too overwhelming and I HAD to get something to eat I HAD to steal it. That was the only way I could allow myself to eat. However pathetic. When shopping for gifts from someone else, I’d spent ridiculous amounts of money, no problem, but anything for myself was offlimits. From my experience, it’s a combination of not considering myself worthy enough to spend money on, and the urge to hoard (whatever, really. In the beginnin only food, later on just about anything), which, for what I’ve read, are both intertwined with eating disorders. In the early days of recovery the urge was still very present, but now I’m at a healthy weight I never have the urge to anymore. The thought rarely pops up, and if it does, I can dismiss it as ridiculous straight away.
And you’re right about wanting to want recovery, that’s the only way to really do it. But one has to start somewhere. If you can’t do it for you just yet, maybe you can start for someone/something else. You’re not right though about nothing being left when you ‘quit ED’. Yes your life might now be completely consumed by it, but it (unfortunately!!) will not ‘simply’ disappear overnight when you decide to break up with ED, and part of recovery is finding yourself back and taking back life. And with doing that, slowly, you will also have more chances to fill up life with new things. It’s not easy, but quite rewarding!
So, there’s hope. And I hope you’ll acknowledge that sooner rather than later. There’s a whole bunch of us here on the interwebs for some venting/ranting/supporting!
Love, Sooz
Oh and Fiona; You deserve sooo much more than a PS here but just wanted to say; You’re killer for getting this far. Don’t stop kicking yourself up and onwards up yo butt thouhg, keep tackling the challenges. Go you, there’s so much good stuff out there waiting for you!!
Sooz, you are awesome – THANK you for this. I know like myself, Ruby felt really alone with the shoplifting and all that involves, and to have you say you did it too, and now you are free of it – that’s so hopeful. It’s also another motivating reason to get to and maintain a truly healthy weight – to be free of the starvation and the thoughts that drive it. And of course free of the bingeing that’s also driven by those things and causes the money shortage factor.
I so agree that life doesn’t turn out to be empty and lonely without the ED. I always thought it would be. I’m not nearly 100% life without ED yet, but the parts of it that I gave up from my life, filled very quickly with new friends and new things as I have written about. It’s like…a chain reaction. Even if you make one friend or take up one new thing, suddenly you are meeting more people and wanting to do more things and it grows from there. And there is more headspace and energy and time to devote to life things too. You are a lovely person, Ruby, and I just know that when you are ready you will find people who will feel blessed to be your friends. It will happen. I feel blessed to have met you from Australia!!!
Love to you both, you special girls xx
I always was aware even in my darkest moments.God was with me..I wondered why God would let me be like I was…but I knew He was there. My defining time was when I started cognitive therapy…It was different ..maybe not for everyone but for me it began a new way of thinking in the ‘here and now’ instead of getting stuck in the past. I still think about the past and I blog about it but I am not THERE anymore…It is the past… and I love the ‘present’ ..I am so glad that YOU have come so far! ..Diane
I am so glad that YOU have come so far too, Diane. You have not ‘just’ survived your own trials, you are now using your past to help other people’s present and future. It might not seem like very much to you, but the power of your message is enough to help someone hang in there when otherwise they might give up. xx
Thank you Fiona…my prayers for you will also include something else from now on …I like whenever possible to be as specific as I can…Diane
Thank you for this post and for reminding me about my turning point: it may sound cliché but it was because of the man (my current BF) I saw how yet again I was screwing our relationship: hiding and lying, and pretending all happy all the time… and that my fake happiness did not satisfy neither of us and that weeks, days even minutes away he was to end it. Forever. I don’t exactly know what it was: the messy kitchen from the last night’s binge or desire of love someone was ready to gift me with, but I had that moment of finally doing it for good (cause sure I had many recovery attempts before)
Oh, and the God thing. I’m so happy about it. I was born in a catholic family but screw that – I have my own special relationship with the guy. I’m glad you’ve found your way to him too.
I’m so glad that when it started to intrude in your relationship you were able to choose your man over the ED, Greta – I have read of relationships being ruined by it quite a bit. It shows you had come a long way. I guess it would feel like there was a third person in it – you, your boyfriend, and the ED. Your mind would have been taken up with it, and yes, when someone loves you, they know when you aren’t really happy and when you aren’t being truthful. It’s also hard to watch someone you love doing something that will kill them. I’m so glad that love won you over – he loves you, but you need to love you, too. I hope one day you will love yourself completely and fearlessly for the wonderful woman you ARE xxx
I had lots of small shifts of change, like you mention. But the real turning point was when my closest friend from school had a baby. I wanted to be part of her life and be comfortable, like, I wanted to be able to go to her birthday parties and eat cake and party food and not worry about it. I wanted to be a positive role model to her. And so I decided that if i was going to embrace life and recovery, then I was going to do it 100%. Within 12 months I was maintaining a healthy weight and off all medication.
I was a strong Christian, even during my hospitalisations, until about 2002. I blamed the church for treating me badly, and yeah, it was part of it, but I forgot that you can have a relationship with God everywhere, that church is not the only place for that to occur. I think part of my healing was spiritual healing and realising this. I think I always felt that I had to do certain things to show that I was a good Christian. Now I do and say things, but it’s because I want to, not because I feel that i have to. But I was blown away when i found out that my grandfather, now a retired minister, had people all over the world praying for me. I had to do the work, but God put people in my life and made things happen that challenged my thinking and helped me to keep pushing on and working towards recovery. I’ve been recovered for 9 years now. And I believe that God uses our experiences to work with others. That’s why I’m working in adolescent mental health. People don’t know of my experiences but I certainly feel that it impacts on how I practise and work with others.
This is amazing to read, Lyndall. I feel blessed to have met you, become your friend, and seen a lot of this happen before my very eyes. And I know it was far from easy for you – it was very, very painful – yet you stuck to it. I’m so glad you had your turning point. It sounds like such a special thing for you. And now, you are living a real, healthy life and helping other young people – which is my dream too
So you are to me, inspiring.
I’m sorry you went through such a hard time with churches.. and yet I’m glad that you found your own love for Him doesn’t need churches. It’s amazing how even when we do not know about it, the power of prayer is so strong. I am sure that I have felt when people have been praying for me.. I don’t know how, but I”m sure of it.
Thank you so much for being such a true friend to me, Lyndall xxxxx
[...] most important message I wanted to convey in last night’s post about turning points was that often when we feel stuck and hopeless, we actually aren’t as hopeless as we [...]
I’m pretty sure I haven’t had a turning point yet. But thank you for this post and today’s – I would love to hear more about your faith and perspective on it. You’re a true inspiration.
Thank you Rose. I don’t know what to right to be honest, but my posts happen as things come to me so hopefully the words will be there soon
I’m sad you haven’t yet had a turning point and I will keep you in my prayers. Remember you are never alone 
xxx
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