The most important message I wanted to convey in last night’s post about turning points was that often when we feel stuck and hopeless, we actually aren’t as hopeless as we feel.
For YEARS I felt that I was getting nowhere. That I had fought so hard, and had nothing to show for it. That I went round and round and round in the same frustrating, stupid cycle. And for that, I decided I was a loser. That I’d never be able to do anything worthwhile. That I’d live my life fighting ED and then die from it.
I was so lucky that the people in my life didn’t give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. I was so tired, so discouraged. I would argue with them – I have tried everything that I can, fought my hardest, and it’s always had the same result. I’ve always ended up back here. They say that doing the same thing again and again despite always getting the same result is insanity. I begged them to just let me die. I said that they would put a dog down before allowing it to suffer this much. And yet they didn’t give up.
Today I am so glad for that. So grateful.
Because despite my belief that I was getting nowhere, I actually was making progress. Perhaps those who didn’t give up on me had more faith in me than I did, but I don’t think they saw this either. Invisible to myself, to others, there was a lot happening – I was learning, growing, storing away so much for use later on. Perhaps each twist and turn gave me another puzzle piece to keep for later, when I might have gathered enough to actually begin to put them together. What I do know was that finally I reached a point where enough had changed under the surface for my life to begin changing, and my mind to begin changing in very visible ways – and then in leaps and bounds! And it was truly an amazing thing to experience.
When you plant a seed in the ground, it doesn’t immediately spring up into leaf and flower above the ground. Instead it’s feeling around down there in the darkness, shooting out roots, finding the best sources of nutrients and water, spreading out, making sure it’s anchored firmly – before it emerges from the surface and begins to unfurl towards the sky and the sunshine!
When you least have hope, when you feel most stuck – think of that little seed. That’s YOU.
There is always hope.