The most important message I wanted to convey in last night’s post about turning points was that often when we feel stuck and hopeless, we actually aren’t as hopeless as we feel.
For YEARS I felt that I was getting nowhere. That I had fought so hard, and had nothing to show for it. That I went round and round and round in the same frustrating, stupid cycle. And for that, I decided I was a loser. That I’d never be able to do anything worthwhile. That I’d live my life fighting ED and then die from it.
I was so lucky that the people in my life didn’t give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. I was so tired, so discouraged. I would argue with them – I have tried everything that I can, fought my hardest, and it’s always had the same result. I’ve always ended up back here. They say that doing the same thing again and again despite always getting the same result is insanity. I begged them to just let me die. I said that they would put a dog down before allowing it to suffer this much. And yet they didn’t give up.
Today I am so glad for that. So grateful.
Because despite my belief that I was getting nowhere, I actually was making progress. Perhaps those who didn’t give up on me had more faith in me than I did, but I don’t think they saw this either. Invisible to myself, to others, there was a lot happening – I was learning, growing, storing away so much for use later on. Perhaps each twist and turn gave me another puzzle piece to keep for later, when I might have gathered enough to actually begin to put them together. What I do know was that finally I reached a point where enough had changed under the surface for my life to begin changing, and my mind to begin changing in very visible ways – and then in leaps and bounds! And it was truly an amazing thing to experience.
When you plant a seed in the ground, it doesn’t immediately spring up into leaf and flower above the ground. Instead it’s feeling around down there in the darkness, shooting out roots, finding the best sources of nutrients and water, spreading out, making sure it’s anchored firmly – before it emerges from the surface and begins to unfurl towards the sky and the sunshine!
When you least have hope, when you feel most stuck – think of that little seed. That’s YOU.
There is always hope.
I just LOVE that last picture you posted!! Gorgeous!!!!
Isn’t it cool?? When that switch gets turned on and things start gradually going back to normal? Man, I’m there now and it’s just INCREDIBLE! I’m so happy for you! I know how it feels!
It’s awesome!! I love reading about your life on your blog, because once apon a time i did not believe that ‘normal’ was possible. I thought that management and living with the ED was possible. But you and other friends of mine prove to me that there is so much out there in life to discover and it’s so worth fighting for. I’m so happy for YOU.
xx
My life is a soap opera at the moment. I’m just glad I was managing my ED before all this shit went down. If I wasn’t I would be in a REALLY bad place right now. I still practice good eating habits, I can’t eat the way I did when I gained all the weight, obviously. But its still far more “normal” than when I was overly-restricting/binging/purging.
At first I was recovering because I loved him and thought he was worth keeping.
Now I’m recovering because I love me and want to keep me.
I’m sorry you are going through this, Miss Pistachio.. really sorry. Nobody deserves that.
I AM glad however to hear that you are recovering now because YOU LOVE YOU. That’s awesome. Often I think we get into bad relationships partly because we don’t love us – that makes us easy targets. Hang on to YOU. You are worth far better than this guy xxx
Just love this. I can relate. For so long i just didn’t believe in myself either and hoped that evreyone else would give up on me, because I had. I too argued with them that I just wasn’t worth it, that i just DIDN’T have the strength to get throug this, and cried til i was blue in the face trying to convince them that there was no hope for me and they should just give up. And like you, i am so grateful now that they didn’t. I guess we sometimes just have to believe in what those who care about us tell us, because we can be so blind to our true value and worth. The ed teaches us this, not just to starve (restrict, binge,purge etc) but that we are worthless and undeserving in every other facet of our being aswell.
Thank goodness for others when we have nothing left in ourselves. And now there is so so much to look forward to.
Much love always my darling dancing Fairy.
Love you.
Ange xoxoxo
I am forever glad that they didn’t give up on you, little sis, because you have so much to offer this world and you continue to amaze me every time I talk to you. You are full of love and laughter and kindness and such a bright spark! Truly a blessing to my life to have met you. There is so very much to look forward to. Imagine, if you have achieved so much and are so amazing (yes you are) when so unwell… when you are well you will probably blow my mind
Looking forward to being you kid’s godmother 
xxx
hey fiona,
Such a a lovely description of the seed.
I am very lucky that I have a supportive family. They have never given up on me through years of drug addiction and disordered eating. My mother is an amazing lady, for such a petite woman she has boundless strength and energy. She held our family together when it was crumbling around her. I’m so grateful to have her as a mother.
I’m in a kind of limbo at the moment so it’s hard to have hope but reading your post gives me hope that there is hope if that makes sense.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason though even if the reason isn’t always clear at first.
Much love to you and thank youxxx
There IS hope for Hope
And there IS a reason for everything. You’re absolutely right, you wouldn’t have come through your struggles to this point without a good reason….keep this in your mind and heart, always, ‘Ruby tuesday’…xoxoxoxo
I love you so much little sis, you are absolutely right
xxx
Dear Ruby, I’m so glad that you have a lovely supportive family as you deserve, and that they have not given up on you even when you find it hard to see your way forward. Perhaps they can see what you cannot yet – that there is a real future out there for you and that you are so worthy yourself. I’m so glad you can feel some hope, that is something I really want to do – pass hope on to as many people as I can touch. Because it’s out there. I know how limbo feels and it’s such a draining, discouraging place to be, it’s exhausting. But it’s not forever – and you WILL get there. Remember you are changing and growing in ways you cannot see and feel and in time, that will add up and make a difference to your life.. Much love xxx
Fiona, that is a brilliant comparison of planting the seed and letting it germinate and grow roots.
You have worked on your foundation and that will support you when hard times come. The good news is, you will stand tall and beautiful when you blossom. And you are, and you will continue to do so.
You are brave to be honest — especially because you are sensitive and caring. People will try to tear you to bits, and as much as they may try, I HAVE YOUR BACK, and a lot of people in Australia and here at faithandmeow, do. I am loyal beyond reproach …you (and I) and take that to the bank.
NOTE TO Detractors: keep your crazy-ass “philosophies” to yourself unless you can be respectful to Fiona, on Fiona’s site. This is NOT the Howard Stern “chew em up and spit em out” site. Unless you are a hired professional or the Dalai Lama, keep your “philosophies” for your own site.
If you have something positive and/or helpful for Fiona please share according to FIONA’S philosophies,
SELL CRAZY somewhere else!!!
Thank you so much for defending me, big strong protector sis!!! I’m very lucky to have you
people will read this and be scared, very scared!
You are right about the foundations – in fact, my life was built on very shaky foundations from a very shaky start. I might have been broken down, but that gave me a chance to rebuild the foundations strongly. And a life built on stable foundations can be very stable indeed. Also I have so much love and support – YOU for one. Thank you for inspiring me. Love you xoxoxo
Amen to that, there is always hope and a way out! I love love the picture what a powerful message!
Thank YOU for reminding me of that
Loving your post – Have a Great Weekend:)
Thank you! I hope you have a good weekend too
Wonderful encouraging thoughts! Diane
Thank you for your inspiration xx
So very true, but why can we never believe that there is hope at the times we need to believe it most!!
So true, that!! If only we could ‘bank’ hope in the good times to be able to make an emergency withdrawl of it in the bad times
So happy to read this! With me it was the same, I felt stuck for years, but in actuality, a lot of things changed within me. It just goes slowly in the beginning, and more on the inside, but it happens.
You are living proof that it happens!!
Oooh interesting picture and lovely post. I can totally relate, i think i’ve reached a point where i’m being able to see things differently but i get dishearted when my behaviour isn’t perfect. I guess i just have to wait it out. I’m SO pleased you’re continuing to move forward, you deserve a world of happiness
xx
Never forget how far you have come, though! I too get frustrated because I’m not ‘there yet’ and overlook all the ground I’ve covered. It’s like expecting to take a giant leap instead of climbing each stair individually, we are definitely climbing and in the right direction. You have come so far from where you were even a year ago. Remember that, you deserve to be happy, free, peaceful, too – and I have faith you will make it xxx