I haven’t got much to say tonight – I just wanted to write a short thank you to everyone – the support you have given me, particularly over the last week, has been overwhelming and I’m so, so grateful.
I didn’t think that as many people would want to read my blog as it turned out!
I haven’t had a chance to answer comments yet – and I hope that I haven’t missed anyone who requested the password. If I have, I’m really sorry, and please let me know!
It means a lot to me that I can write about my life and that it’s okay. That people understand and are prepared to hear my story. I don’t feel so alone any more. I don’t feel so…. silenced by deep shame. I’ve carried this shame like a heavy burden for years and years. Only recently am I beginning to realise that it’s not my shame to carry. I didn’t ask for what happened to happen and I didn’t have a chance really. I did the best that I could with what I had.
I’ve come a long way, and I’ve been able to leave a lot of this behind me. Accept it. Even forgive in some ways. But it hurts me deeply still – little things like the fact that my mother never really truly loved me the way one might crave to have a mother’s love. That my family rejected me, even though they were never truly family and in the end I’m the one rejecting them. That hurts.
I guess I’m living proof that one can live through a hell, and survive. Not just survive, but still have a hope of a life, happiness, love, and a future. Because now I know I do have those things. I have special friends who do love me the way my family never could. And I have so much more appreciation for even the simplest things in life now.
Writing this also has reminded me that when I’m battling depression and fear now, to remember that I’ve already come through so much – and that the battle now IS a battle I CAN win if I just put my mind to it and put in the effort. I’m also not going to let anorexia kill me after coming through all that!
Thank you again – it really touches me deeply that so many people care.