Happy Monday. It’s been a rainy holiday here, the perfect day to snuggle up inside – which is exactly what I’ve done. For the most part anyway – as usual, Shalimar cannot accept that it’s rainy and cold outside, and begs for me to take her out. So I did. And this is what happened:
She’s gained some weight again. She’s struggled with being overweight for the last few years, actually was obese about a year ago. I was terrified for her health, and put her on a Vet supervised obesity diet for as long as we could afford ($55 a bag!!!! Pet food can be more expensive than people food..) She was a LOT better. Even though I couldn’t keep her on the expensive food for more than a few months, it helped us to get into a routine and set amount for two meals a day – she no longer pesters me for food at all hours, and I no longer give in and spoil her with tidbits and extra feedings.
Well, at least, that was the case. Lately I’ve been slipping – she’s begun pawing for food at all hours again, partly because of cabin fever with all the rain lately, and I’ve been giving in to her. That stops again, right now. It’s scary how fast a few little bits here and there blow her up. I want her to be happy and healthy and she is neither if she gets too fat.
I have always been scared about how much to feed her. When I first adopted her, I vowed that she would never know what it was like to be hungry and not know where her next meal was coming from, or even if she would ever get a next meal again. I also was scared of messing up her relationship with food like mine is. I still struggle with that fear. Especially as I hold a lot of guilt about the number of times I’ve had to board her, and for me, food and love are hard to separate at times. (It was a lovely pet motel who cherished her, but it was horrible for her still – to be away from home in a cage, large or not, outings on the grass and cuddles or not. This is a huge motivation for me to stay well and out of hospital.)
Mostly I just want Shalimar to enjoy her life with food just being food. That’s my goal. I just want her to be as happy as she can be, and as healthy as she can be. When she’s happy, I’m happy – which is why she’s allowed to eat my beans!
The other thing I wanted to write about today, was my ‘Secret Dream World’. In other words, where I go, when I’m in a very deep, almost comatose state of sleep. What has this got to do with eating disorders? Well for me, a lot.
It sounds crazy. It probably IS crazy.
All of my life, I have dreamt about a place, the same place. It’s recognisable to me because it only changes as one would expect with time (trees growing, etc). It’s a huge, complex place, like another entire WORLD. There are still new places that I haven’t explored or discovered yet. And it’s a beautiful place. Utterly beautiful. All the things that make this world of ours beautiful are there but perhaps even MORE amazing if that’s possible. There are buildings there, but they don’t spoil it like our man made crap is spoiling our world. They seem to coexist with the natural landscape as though they belong there (or have been extremely well planned and designed.)
I used to call it the Ether – for want of a better name. Not because I knew of the connotations of the word ‘ether‘ at that time, but because as a dancer, I used to strive to be ‘ethereal’ like the willis in Giselle‘ – and came to love the word itself. Some words are just beautiful to me.
I am a dancer, I grew up living the dance. Eating, sleeping, walking, playing, reading, I danced my way through life. So it was only natural that I tried to dance in my dreams. I found this a frustrating practice, because I could never quite touch the ground there – it was like gravity didn’t have the same force as it does here in our world. Have you ever tried to dance when you are hovering a few centimetres off the ground? (No, I suspect not!) It’s hard. Your movements become more sluggish and not tidy at all. I just wanted to dance!!
And it was this battle to dance that led me to learn to fly. I found that I could ‘step’ into pockets of the air, and that a leap through the air (a grand jeté) became flight. I soon progressed from leaping to flying, full on flying. Oh the exhilaration! Although all this was in dreaming, it was all SO REAL. I would fly and fly and fly and fly, and sing at the top of my lungs, and wake up back in the real world exhausted, breathless, still trying to sing, on top of the world. Deeply disappointed to be awake and wanting only to go back again and fly away forever.
Another interesting thing I discovered is that often I would fly too high, and I’d crash into some invisible shield, sort of like a safety net, that bounced me back again. I found myself believing that if I broke that safety net, I would never wake up again in real life. That was scary as much as it was tempting. Especially as when I used to have these dreams all the time, my life was pretty horrible. I was a broken spirited, sick stick, trapped in a body that was dying and painful. I couldn’t see a way out, and so to escape it in these amazing dreams was heavenly.
These dreams are now one of the biggest pulls for me to sink back into the disorder. I only really seemed to ‘go’ there when I was very unwell – which makes me believe that they weren’t so much dreams as hallucinations. My mind needs to be in a very starved state for it to create all of that amazingness. And it’s still tempting, because living in the real world is still scary and painful. I’m terrified of life, terrified of being a failure, terrified of so much more. It’s the only place I’m free from the PTSD stuff, the depression, the pain and the never ending battle with my body.
And this battle, this epic, life-long battle, has left me so very weary. I often feel like I’m a thousand years old rather than 34. I need a rest – but the kind of rest I need isn’t possible in real life.
Does anyone else have this sort of experience? This sort of rich dream life that becomes more tempting than real life, an escape from fear and unhappiness?
I’m doing my best to make my real life as tempting as possible. Rejecting the oh-so-easy choice of just copping out and letting the eating disorder completely take over me again, so it would be over and I’d be ‘gone’. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, and that’s so true of my fight for life, for a real, genuine, LIFE.
My battle is for that feeling of genuine peace and freedom, and for a safety that I’ve never felt here. I hope that some day I can bring some of that beauty that exists only in my dreams into this world – perhaps by becoming more confident with my art again and painting it. Perhaps by finding a way to create little havens for other people here, havens where they can feel some sort of peacefulness and freedom to be themselves – another dream I have long held is to work with people in some sort of professional therapeutic capacity, to heal from what’s hurt them already, and just as importantly, to equip them with tools to not become that hurt and broken in the first place. To do this in a refuge-like setting that I’ve created for them. It’s not a concrete dream so much as something that is still evolving.
To be able to begin working on making this dream happen, I have to first get better, myself. Which means staying in the here and now.
If anyone is convinced I’m a nutcase because of this post, I have one request – please can my straightjacket be rainbow coloured? 
If you have a pet, how does your eating disorder affect how you feed them, and how you react to their weight?
Do you have an interesting dream-life? Are your dreams more incredible when you are more unwell? Or less so?
(Queen of the Willis image credit)
(Self-Battle image from Facebook)
I constantly panic about Lexi and food. It’s really hard actually :S
We’ve always have overweight pets. Lexi has never been overweight – and I think is generally on the thin side of healthy, but as I have no grasp of what a thin/healthy pet looks like I freak out all the time that I’m accidentally starving her.
But she has breakfast and dinner and people scraps/’licky plates’ so I think it’s okay. She’s still greedy as all hell though lol but our animals always are >.<
I've actually also spent quite a while legitimately fearing I'd turned her bulimic (as I've thrown up in front of her pretty consistently her whole life) and when she was younger she had some health problems and also vomited a lot.
She's quite neurotic really, and I know I have fucked her up at least a bit which is horrible but rationally I'm pretty sure she's okay food/weigh wise.
You're dream world sounds so beautiful. I really hope you can show it through art some time, that would be amazing
I'd love to create some kind of sanctuary for those struggling too. Stay present, I believe in you 
Hi
I’m reminded how glad I was that you have Lexi, because I think she’s partly a reason for why you are still hanging on.
I know, it’s terrifying to think that they might be copying our behaviour. I had the same fear about Shalimar, that she would think it’s normal to throw up after eating, because that’s all she saw me do most of her life. I doubt you have f*cked her up. But I do believe that animals can pick up how we are feeling and respond to that.
Thank you so much for your supportiveness – it means a lot to me. *hugs*
I can’t tell you how my food affects my pet, because I am petless. However, I can tell you that whenever I start slipping more into ED, the urge to cook very calorific food for other people is immense. It’s actually one of my “signs of relapse”. I’ll put extra butter in things, or cook too big a portion. My little one however is an intuitive eater. Doesn’t matter what portion size or what food she has in front of her she easily eats when she’s hungry and stops when she is full. I have trouble with waste, and hate to see wasted food, however, I know that her leaving food because she is listening to her body might help prevent any possible future ED (because I think mine had a lot to do with not being fed enough/too much as a child). I hate when people say, “eat everything on your plate” because it is harmful to make someone not listen to your body. Cats however, do not eat intuitively, they just eat and eat and eat. My cat used to cry for food at all times, and did get overweight. We found out that a neighbour was also feeding her. I worked at the vets, and they told me how they put things like sugar in cat food to make it addictive. Sugar does the same to humans as it does to cats, gives them false hunger. It’s a marketing scheme so your cat refuses to eat other food. Hence why she probably did so well on the more expensive kind because she wasn’t feeling as hungry.
I sympathise with the food that is too expensive. We had that problem. They shouldn’t be allowed to charge so much for food.
The dream world thing, yes. I was there when I was suicidal and was admitted. It was an escape from PTSD and one of the things that prevented or stopped past recovery attempts. I was liked, and loved, and was me in this world. I hated leaving it. However, I think as a whole, my PTSD got a lot more manageable also with food restriction. Less nightmares etc. I also escaped to this world whenever I was umm, in a very bad place as a child, and it was where my teddys would come alive and talk to me.
Now though, that I am almost a healthy weight, I find it easier to escape into other things, science videos, artwork, movies, songs. I like this, and I’ve never been able to do that before. My concentration is increasing with increasing amounts of food.
When I am well, food wise, my sleep dreams are nightmares. They are that bad, I swear that’s why I have insomnia, too scared of dreaming.
Hugs lovely.
I have really liked reading your description of how your little one eats. It sounds like she is doing really well, eating the way kids should eat. I’ve read studies where they put a wide array of food out for toddlers and find they tend to graze on a wide range but stop when full. You and I never had the chance to listen to our bodies growing up, we were forced to be hungry or forced to eat. I hate it when people say clean your plate too, and I can’t stand waste! In fact last time I went to the beach I was freaking out because I shared fish and chips with my friend. We were too full to finish the chips, but throwing them away panicked me. So my friend dumped a heap of sand in the chips lol. Can’t be saved!
I’m so sorry that you have nightmares. I have them too, just not as real as the good ones. It’s amazing that you have this whole other world that kept you safe too, and the talking teddies.. wow. I’m really sorry because you must have been in an extremely traumatic place to go ‘there’. *hugs* xx
Fiona,
You have such a way about you. The battle you are waging is clear, the struggle so real, and if you ever go back and read your posts again, from time to time…you will also see that you have some answers right there. From your own heart. You need time to find them and bring them out, but they are there dear one. I know this world you speak of, different sets, different characters, but he dream was the same. It’s time to dismantle the set Fi, time to bring it to life outside in the light. Use your art, such a wonderful idea. For you AND as a tool for you to help others…you are free to create whatever landscape you need, clear paths to lead you where you most want to go. Your journey is long and it’s hard, but it is still…a journey. Paint your life into being Fiona…you and Shalimar, both healthy and happy, on your path to the freedom you seek. One day at a time love, one step at a time. You will move mountains one day…I know you will. But for today…kick a rock in the road.
Wow, Rhonda – what you have said has really struck a chord with me – that I have the answers in my own heart – that I’ve written them. I believe you. You are very wise! I hope to do just what you suggest – paint my dreams into reality.
Thank you – I don’t have many words – but know you have touched me deeply. From one survivor to another – you inspire me. xx
You have many words and you use them very well. If you are like me, once the words are on the paper they leave my mind to make room for the new ones that are just waiting their turn. That is why you should, at some point, go back, reacquaint yourself with Fiona through her own words, see her progress, and recognize the wisdom she has already put on the page. I think you will be very proud of her…I know I am.
xo
Rhonda
I very rarely dream
And my dog has eating issues… I tried so hard to not let him but to no avail… He goes on food strikes for days, if I’m doing poorly he is too. When he goes to his bowl to eat everybody must stop moving (he’s easily distracted). And when it’s been too long we walk a few miles to sonic and he will eat an ice cream. It’s bad (he’s actually headed to the vet today because again he’s too light)
Hi Joy, I’ve subscribed to your blog. Welcome to mine
I’m so sorry your pupster is having issues. I hope that the vet was able to help. Even the thought of Shalimar being unwell devastates me, I wouldn’t be here without her and I suspect your pupster is just as precious to you. Hugs and prayers xx
Oh my God yes, I can identify so much with food issues and pet feeding and I’m so grateful that you raised this issue as I thought I was the only one. I have 2 dogs, a golden retriever and a little terrier. The retriever is
an average weight but my terrier is definitely over weight.
Like you I show them love by feeding them and take great pleasure in preparing their food and watching them eat. I guess I am a feeder.
They are both rescue dogs and I vowed never to let them feel pain or hunger again. I actually love the way my terrier looks but I feel very guilty as I know she is unhealthy. As I write this she is lying flat on her back with her 4 paws in the air. Sometimes I feel I get better with animals than a do with people. I love being with them and feel such peace and happiness.
Your dream world sounds amazing. I also create elaborate fantasies in my head. Dancing features heavily too. I hope that you find happiness in your real life, you truly deserve it. You have such courage to raise the issues you do and that gives me the courage to talk about them too.
Thank you xxx
Your dogs sound like your best friends in the world
It’s hard to not ‘love’ them with food when food is so important to us. I agree with you – throughout my life, my best friends have been pets. They are peaceful, I can trust them, and they seem to ‘get’ how I’m feeling. They are loyal, too.
I hope your dancing fantasies become more real-life reality as time goes by. I’m glad you can talk about things more now. It’s such a weight off your shoulders to know you are not alone. And you aren’t. Thank you *hugs* xx
Meant to write I get on better with animals than I do with people
Yu never cease to amaze me my sweet, brave, honest sis!!! This is one of my favorite posts ever!!!!! You described the HELL that is anorexia and bulimia … The TERROR of life. The symptoms are a safe haven from terror and despair. Oh honey, I DO get it. Oh my God I pray that you get your dreams soon. You would be an awesome therapist or art therapist… Or writer, dancer … I wish I could make the terror go away! Life is very “risky” for us EDers. We are petrified by a lot of trauma, depression, anxiety. This is what MAKES us warriors. We have to be. Love you I’ll sis … More later … I’m on Metra, on the phone with chubby fingers
Art therapist!!!!! That would be awesome! I wonder why I never thought of that beefore, Melis? I’ve never done art therapy but it would be so good. Also movement therapy – dance therapy?
Love you xx
Life is risky, yes, you are right, and something is brave because it’s terrifying and hard for us. That’s what makes us courageous, doing it anyway.
I’m glad you like the post. I loved writing about my dreams, I was just hoping I wouldn’t seem too insane haha
I think about Indy’s weight quite a lot (she’s my cat) and i call her bootilicious whenever she lies flat on the floor and her bum looks wide haha. But otherwise i’m not too worried as she seems to only eat when she’s hungry. I think it’s really sweet that you don’t want little Shalimar to go hungry
You really care for her and want to protect her, so cute 
Your dreamworld sounds amazing, but i’m glad you’re in the real world and facing life head on rather than being in a non-existent world, avoiding your problems and getting sicker. One day the real world won’t seem so bad, i’m sure of it
I always go into a fantasy world if i’m doing things that are difficult – particularly walking on a busy road or being in most social situations. I write them down usually and then create characters and plotlines and plan to write them as novels or screenplays. Right now though they’re mostly in my head, but i think when i start feeling more comfortable in social situations i’ll be able to write properly again! 
xx
Bootalicious Indy!! Love that
Shalimar is definitely bootalicious too. I had to laugh, because you made me remember a cat we had growing up, who was so fat that when she was laid on her back, she couldn’t roll back over again!!! she was like a cat splat with four legs waving! 
I hope some day you do share the novels and screenplays you create from your own fantasy world. They must be amazing because you do write so well. You are right, it’s better to be in the real world, dealing with things head on. Hang in there – I believe in you, that you will make it through this and out the other side xx
Dear Fiona, it so sounds like you really could just use a break from your tormented soul. I know how exhausting it can be. My dreams, become awful when something else is surfacing that my mind is ready to deal with.
I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you, but at least know that you are treasured. Your writing is an incredible gift, and your art is amazing. you are one talented lady.
love love.
Thank you so much, Buckwheat. You are right – one of the things I really crave is a rest, because it’s been exhausting and I’m wiped out. I’m still trying to find where God put the ‘pause’ button. I’ll let you know when I find it
I’m sorry that you have awful dreams. I think sleep should be a refuge, and when you are having an awful time in your waking life and then you have an awful time asleep too, there is just no end to it.
You ARE helping me by listening, by validating. Thank you. xx
i’ll pray you get a supernatural oasis. he knows you need it.
i don’t have those dreams to often so that is good!
love and hugs
I’m glad you don’t have them often. Thank you for your prayers, special girl. Love and hugs back to you xx
you’re very welcome
I have a lovely cat. My food issues don’t seems to affect her. She has always known exactly what and how much she needs to eat. Since I’m home a lot I allow her to tell me when she wants to eat and give her a spoon full. She likes it fresh and not sitting around in a bowl all day. I don’t mind giving her her little meals all through the day because she seems so healthy and self regulating. I can totally relate to her desire for really fresh meals. A couple times I was concerned that she was not eating enough or maybe too much because I couldn’t track the total amount given this multiple tiny meals spread through the day approach. So I tracked it and it turned out to be exactly the recommended healthy amount. When we first got her she was a year old. She had fleas, and a bladder infection. I did some research on diets for cats and decided to try a no grain cat food. It is 80% animal products and 20% vegetable. We can afford it. I also thought a raw meat diet would be good for her but have not switched to that. She likes her food and I believe that cats digestive systems are not designed for grains or other human food even if they appear to like it. I’m glad she doesn’t want those foods so I don’t have to restrict her diet. Lately she has seemed interested in raw meat so I usually give her some when I’m cooking for us. She’s such a dainty eater. She gives me a model of listening to her body, feeding herself just what she wants and no more. She seems to have no compulsive food/eating issues. I’m jealous.
Wow, your cat does sound so dainty and intuitive! I wish Shalimar would eat like that. She’s the complete opposite. In fact, I don’t think she’s been dainty in any way in her whole life. She eats like a labrador, and apparently they will eat EVERYTHING probably even the kitchen sink, but they’ll definitely happily chomp through your couch and your table. With your rug for dessert, probably! I’ve started calling Shalimar JAWS.
I’m glad she has a good home now with you.
I’m sorry your cat was so neglected when you got her. Fleas are horrible for a cat to bear, and so are urinary infections
You are right about the pet food – they have been made as addictive as possible. Shalimar will not touch cheaper brands after eating Whiskas. I think one of the reasons the expensive food she was prescribed (it was Royal Canin) wasn’t addictive to her was it was very low carb/high protein so it didn’t have all the sugars that the supermarket stuff has.
Fiona, your topic about dream life seems to encompass so much. I hear two types of dreaming? One is an active almost chosen creative dreaming or envisioning. Perhaps it is a way that you cope or give yourself a way out of distress. The other sounds like a shamanic, other dimension type of journey…entered when the veil is thin? Maybe that interpretation is not what you mean. I have experienced both of these. When I was really sick once, near death, I experience the 2nd one, It seemed like I was partly awake while dreaming and I was in a great hall hearing tibetan singing bowls. I kept going deeper into the sound of the bowl and it brought on a deep intense bronze color of light. I felt like I was holding onto this sound/color to stay tethered to this world even though it felt enticing to let go and just drift away.
Why do we have these different dream states? I don’t know. I think there is a lot more to us than we are consciously aware of. And occasionally we get glimpses of the Big More. Or maybe it gives us a way to cope or gives us access to more information that we need and can’t get else wise.
OK now I am really going to brainstorm:
I also fantasize about a retreat/treatment sanctuary for myself and others. (lets talk more later about how we would design a treatment center). Currently I am planning to create a meditation garden on our property that will have a circular lawn, with flagstones set in the ground in some kind of simple mandala-labyrinth design for walking meditation of visual gazing….. with herbs, shrubs and flowers surrounding the outside. I envision privacy, a wind chime, maybe a fountain. A place for quiet meditation or barefoot dancing…..
I’d like to invite you to come dance with me there some day!!
I love this comment, Gel. Love everything about it. Yes, several types of dreams. I’ve created my own dream world. but the one that I ‘go’ to when I’m flying, that world? I actually have suspected sometimes that it’s kinda real. That it’s whatever is out there, beyond here. And I feel privileged to have been able to visit there.
WOW to your NDE!
Love your retreat/sanctuary fantasy! I would love to talk about it with you. Mine started off with thinking about buying a house and land, and making that a refuge sort of place for kids and families. The world is a much harsher place these days than when I was growing up, and you can’t really ignore it with the media the way we could then. Innocence is taken earlier. It’s also less safe, there are rarely kids playing in the streets or even in their backyards. My refuge would be a place where they could do all those things and more. Just learn to play, and part of that would be therapy. Family days to do things like build treehouses, go canoeing etc together would be part of family therapy. It would be a place for everyone – no age cut off, no referral or ‘diagnosis’ needed, no cost – because I don’t want anyone to be left out for any reason. I wouldn’t just be helping those with problems already, I hope to equip them with skills, with self esteem, with healthy coping mechanisms, so that when life does throw hardship their way, they can deal with it better and hopefully not end up broken the way some of them do.
xx
That’s only a beginnings of a dream though, and I’ve branched out into wanting to help more people than kids. Women, too.
Thank you for your amazing comment
My eating disorder has never affected my feeding of pets/animals, maybe because I was taking care of them before the ED started?
I love that quote about scars being battle wounds!
I love that quote too! It was quite eye opening for me, because it’s so true that I was battling myself!
My God, Ayn Rand would fucking hate you! No offense, but this ‘dream’ la la la stuff drives me insane. For me, it’s just reality. But I really love reading about the different sorts of (good) people who make up this world, you being good. Do you have any ballerina photographs of yourself? I’d like to see one – it’s hard for me to imagine that you were truly a ballerina without proof.
How does my eating disorder affect Gwendolyn’s relationship with food? It doesn’t. I think that dogs live in the moment. They don’t give a fuck about what they ate yesterday… about what they’ll eat tomorrow. They eat when they’re hungry, and they won’t when they they’re not. I feed her based upon holistic guidelines, and she is satisfied with that entirely. I’m sorry that Shali’s gained some LBs. You know what needs to be done.
Nicole, why do you need proof that Fiona was a ballerina? Do you take some sadistic pleasure in poking her? Are you really that hurt that you need to do this to her? Does she go on your blog and ask for proof that your really have clients? Or that you worked in corporate america? Or that your dad worked in the FBI?
I just don’t get why you need to try to get under her skin. Certainly not ladylike as your decribe yourself in your tiresome, treacle filled prose (which is not teeny tiny but bloated) and clunky, tortured syntax.
Thank you, Zuz.
As posted at my professional website…
Security Questions
Q: Will my dog’s photograph ever appear on your website?
A: Absolutely not. Canine Sophisticate maintains the highest level of privacy of our client’s information. Other dog walking and pet sitting companies post images of their clients, but Canine Sophisticate believes this is a security risk. By posting client photographs, a pet care company compromises the security and confidentiality of their client.
I’d love to post photographs of the smushies who are my clients, but clearly, I cannot. Do you disagree?
As far as the corporate american “proof” goes, I have posted lots of photographs from corporate awards events… but the difference is that I do not blab and blab and blab about that experience. I merely listed it as a piece of background information so that my readers understood my POV just a bit more. Fiona writes of her ballerina days almost daily. Paralleled with her ‘dreams’, I sometimes don’t know what is dream and what is reality.
And, frankly, I simply adore the prettiness of ballerinas. So I’d quite like to see a photograph just because I know what Fiona looks like now, and I’d like to see what she looked like then, when she existed in that glorious physical state, able to perform (as compared to now when she reportedly cannot).
You didn’t comment on how I cited Fiona as being a good person. Are you a fucking bitch? A socialist? What’s your deal, mean girl? My argument was intelligent, catalysing intelligent discussion instead of the standard woe is me tune at this blog. It was not an attack. At least Fiona had the audacity to reply with her feelings on objectivism, as defensive as her reply may have been. My goodness, grow up. Or form an opinion.
Why, when a person questions the content of subject, are they considered to be a “stalker?” Allow me to question, instead of defaming a person as a “stalker,” why not just call them a “non-socialist?”
I have a suitcase of ballet shoes – flats and pointes – certificates, trophies, programs from performances, but no photos. My mother never allowed me to have any of my photos, not even my school class photos even though I begged to see them. It was another of her cruelties. I have however featured in a number of newspaper articles back then for my dancing, and won the 1995 Australia Day Junior Cultural Award for it for Ipswich region. If you want proof, it’s up to you to go hunting for it. Good luck since it’s been about 15 years!
I take it as a compliment that Ayn Rand wouldn’t like me. She was an insufferable hypocrite who drew welfare and medicare and watched her family nearly starve while she went to the theatre. Her philosophy doesn’t WORK as evidenced by the great depression. Thankfully most people who worship her seem to grow up and grow out of it.
Brava!
Fiona, when i’m not exhausted from re-entry into civilization, i have a wonderful post for you. It will address defamation of character law. I’ve all of a sudden become interested in the laws on libel, slander, and defamation of character on the internet.
While harassment, taunts and statements made by mentally unstable persons are not punishable under the law: The law states that the offender must print, or publish (either on their blog or yours) a “misstatement of FACT” about the victim. While your stalker is a polished sociopath, she has skirted legal repercussions, but is getting closer to making misstatements about your person.
Perhaps the law will not stop Offenders who are determined to harass you (and, the threat of the law would probably only excite your stalker), i hope she will take this information and hold it between her legs and squeeze.
There is no reason to harass you at your blog.
Children are bullies, and they should be stopped …
ADULTS should know better!
Love you Fiona, and protect yourself from inappropriate, sick people. Do not let her draw you in and spit you out, then draw you in and spit you out. It’s unbearable.
Mel, You wrote above to F: “…protect yourself from inappropriate, sick people…. There is no reason (for her) to harass you at your blog. Do not let her draw you in and spit you out, then draw you in and spit you out. It’s unbearable.”
Oh thank you for saying this.
Dreams are just that dreams…and nightmares the same…So your dreams were dreams as a way of dealing with your terrible reality…I had nightmares during my depression that were so frightening I was more than happy to wake up…I fought to wake up..Sometimes the fear of sleeping was so great that I didn’t want to even sleep at all. Some of them even with Satan being involved. He attacked me but God was greater and when I would wake up I would pray…and even read my Bible to dispel him. Your dreams were an escape and God perhaps allowed you that respite. Now you are healing and will be able to handle I believe….reality. There is healing going on and you are meeting that challenge day by day and God willing each day will be better than the day before. You have your dancing to look forward to again and your art. At some point God may use you to help bring healing to others. Your cat Shalimar brings you comfort and that is wonderful for you right now. We had an overweight cat, (she was a stray we took in) She was overweight due to medication ..prednisone..for her asthma. Anyway, you take care and concentrate on your wonderful future….Diane
I’m really sad that you had such terrible nightmares, Diane, when you are suffering as you were with Depression, the only refuge you really have is sleep and that was stolen from you, too. It sounds like you were in spiritual warfare. But God won.
Yes there’s healing going on. Every moment of every day. And so much to look forward to.
I’m praying hard for you. Thank you for your kindness xx
Great Post! You should create a production and center it around the rainbow-colored strait jacket – has a nice ring to it. Love to dream, hope, daydream, etc. Have a Great Day!
LOL there’s Joseph and the technicolour dreamcoat already – perhaps I could do a production of Fiona and the technicolour straightjacket! Thank you for giving me such a laugh
Have a lovely day yourself xx
Thank you for bringing up the pet feeding topic. I meant to write one by myself too. I have problems with my cats’ weight too. My old one Ms. K is getting big! Just a year ago my BF use to joke on how skinny I and the cat were “Like mother like daughter!” he used to say. I think she suffered some kind of slight depression since the new kitten (Mr. M) entered our house. She turned to food. She never used to eat so much and so often. She always had some food in her bowel and ate mindfully. Now it’s always empty, and she begs for more. As well as she eats the little ones food too, which the latter doesn’t worry about. Now he is the skinny in the family. He is so thin I took him to the vet! But the doctor said that he’s just too young and too active. Well Mr. M looks like a homeless cat also he chews on everything he can grab and then purges. Constantly. So we all have issues. Even my BF who declared that he would be going on a diet because (OMG!) he’s too fat! As you see my family is completely koo kooz!
As for dreams. I fly too. But not in a dancing way, which I find beautiful. I do it like superwoman! Ha ha! Those are scary! Because I kind of enjoy and am terrified at the same time. I guess for me letting go is the scariest.
I like how your mind is changing. I like the calmness of your post. I see the bright light for you, sweetie. Keep dancing to it!
I’m really sorry to hear about Ms. K and I can understand your worry. I worry about Shalimar all the time when I don’t feel she is well and/or happy. I totally think cats can be depressed. The very first time I was hospitalised after adopting shalimar, she was just over a year old (I’d been going to a clinic that kept me outpatient so I actually had more than a few weeks out!). She had lived with me happily since she was 8 weeks old, and suddenly I didn’t come home from the doctors, but my case manager, then a big man, came, chased her, bundled her into a cage, and took her on a long ride to a pet boarding place (not the one she goes to now). When I finally was well enough to visit her there, she was obese. She’d never had weight problems before, being on the skinny side – and she’d now been eating non stop and was the most miserable cat I’d ever seen, she’d lost the will to live. She became so excited to see me as I was her, but then I had to go back to hospital. I was taken again to visit her a week later and she was emaciated!! In one week! She had stopped eating after I’d gone. she must have believed I didn’t want her any more, came to see her and abandoned her again
I worked hard to get well enough to go home but when I took her home, my bloods came back bad just after I’d left hospital and I was recalled, with her at home. I called an in home pet service to come twice a day, feed her, change water, change kitty litter, cuddle her, I supplied all her food, other things (checking mail etc) were included but I didn’t want them, just that they kept her safe and happy. They visited her ONCE, chucked a huge dog food size can of cat food in her bowl (it was rotten, still in the can shape) ignored her water and cat litter (green and slimy and the cat litter hardened into a solid block). Poor shalimar went feral, attacking those who entered and those who left. I was devastated! A friend told me about the pet motel she’s been going to now, the guy there is like a cat whisperer. I don’t know what he did, but she’s been so much better since then. But she’s never been okay with food and it breaks my heart that despite my good intentions, it’s still happened.
Eek I’m sorry Greta, for spamming my own comments!!! You hit a heartstring with your Ms. K. Mr M purges, you say? That’s unusual! Are you sure he’s not getting a lot of hairballs? I do know that it’s common to eat grass and that makes them vomit.
It must be difficult for you to live with your whole family having their weird ways with food and diet, sadly it also seems so very common. I wonder if it’s very few people in this world now who don’t struggle with food or weight? Really sad.
Sorry again for this massive comment! *hugs* thank you for yours – I do feel a lot calmer. Depression is bad, but the calmness and the belief that I will come through this, is what makes it different to every other depression I’ve ever been through.
Love you xx
My sweet, Fiona, thank you for sharing such private parts of your life. Shalimar went through so much! I hate leaving my cats. Once we took them to my friend’s house for a couple of days. They weren’t eating and were crying nonstop! So when we travel my BF parents come to our house to feed and spend time with them every day. It works just that way.
Also my little one purges because he eats indigestible things. For example buttons or yoga mat! Yes he ate it all. Bite by bite. And then purged it all as well. I hope that he’s just stupid.
Anyway, I’m so happy you and Shalimar have each other. Cats are the best!
xo.
Wow… your little one sounds like he was a goat in a past life, Greta, they seem to eat everything too, things like the washing off the line and the mats and buttons and clothes… maybe he has an eating disorder like pica?
xx
Cats are the best – I can’t imagine life without mine.
At least your furry friend has you looking out for her. By the way, your world – imagined or otherwise – sounds awesome!
Thank you, Hook, that means a lot to me
So sweet, Mr. Hook. You got that right. I wish i would take the high road always … i cannot stand to watch Fiona get spammed on her own site.
Fiona, i double, triple quadruple Hook’s comment. You know you are special or you would not have people clamoring for your attention, poking at you, or PROTECTING you. I am embarrassed that i would stoop to such lows as to start a silly, 8th grade girlie fight with someone who I don’t know. For that i apologize to you. I don’t want to cause you further troubles. Just keep being you … and we can hope that “real” life will continue to get better for you without extraneous silliness.
Your character can never be touched. You have a pure heart. I’m forever your big sister though. I have YOUR back!!! Love, Melis
Oh Melis, I am so blessed to have such a big hearted, warm, kind sis as you. You have done nothing wrong. Said nothing nasty. And I’m grateful that people care and want to stick up for me. Apologies aren’t needed – your heart is in the right place. Love you and wish I could hug you for real xxx
Dearest Fiona, D and i will get ourselves to Australia … and we will surely have a hug or two! My dad is moving to MN on July 1!!!! I visit him in Iowa for the last time on June 23 to bury my mom’s urn FINALLY!!!!! Dad is 90 now, but he’s in good shape. He’s moving to a great assisted living apt., with a pool, and a parking lot, so i’ll be driving to Minneapolis every 3 weeks with my brand new drivers license …
Otherwise, i am saving my dollars to visit you way down under! I am really excited to do so. Love you, sweetie! Don’t forget to listen to your sister(s)!!!! and friends. xoxoxo melis
Wow, Melis, a lot of big moves coming up for you – closure, I hope, and the beginning of a new chapter for you – the best chapter ever!
xxx
And as we know, the possibilities are endless! I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us both.
HUGS in advance
My brother lives in Savage, MN … not far from dad’s home, so i PRAY he visits dad often. We aren’t sure how much longer he’ll be with us. BUT, these are the times i need to take advantage of what time i have left with him. He did his VERY best for me, and i will do my very best for him. Lots of MILES DRIVING …
love and HERE’S TO THE FUTURE!!!!!! xoxoxo melis
I don’t have any pets at the moment so I can’t comment on that really. Though my last pets ate anything they could get their hands (paws) on!! They were all within ‘normal’ limits so I didn’t have to worry about that so much. They were always so happy to get variety in their diet, I honestly think they ate better quality food than my and my other half!
I find dream worlds very dangerous for me personally, the more time I spend in/thinking about them (even other people’s fantasy worlds like Harry Potter when I was younger) the more unhappy I get in ‘real life’. When I was younger I remember waiting to go back to school and being so unhappy that all I had to look forward too was buying ordinary pens and pencils and all I wanted was a wand and an owl and robes…It sounds really silly typed out like this but it was something which made me really miserable. I think it makes me so unhappy because I so want to believe in magic or maybe an escape from the ‘normal’ which lately I don’t seem to be handling very well.
p.s. As someone who has been reading your blog for a little while without posting, (I have been reading a few blogs but was too shy to post anything for a while) I wanted to say that I really admire what you write and the fact that you write it.
Hi Raven! It’s lovely to ‘meet’ you. I totally agree that our pets often have better food than humans! They have gourmet this and gourmet that these days, and it costs more to feed my cat than my own self sometimes!
I’m sorry that your escape makes you more unhappy in this world. I totally understand what you mean, and I don’t think it sounds silly at all. The way I helped myself survive during my childhood, was by escaping. I often would just shut out reality and escape into a book (and HP rocks!) or just make up my own ‘story’ in my head. It was better than a world where I felt scared, hurt, so many other feelings.
Is there a way you can bring some of your escape world into reality? Perhaps you could find and join a group of people in your area who like what you like – there are Harry Potter fan clubs all over the world, but even a book club, or a fantasy club, there might be people out there not only to share this world of yours with, but it would mean you would get to immerse yourself in what you love – have much more access to things that remind yourself of these places. Just a thought
Good luck and thank you so much for commenting 
[...] them – so I didn’t. I pretended I wasn’t there instead. I fell deeply into that dream world, the one that I wished dearly I could stay in. This lethargy was heightened because when I came [...]