A few days ago, I wrote about my experience with exercise in relation to my eating disorder, and how I felt that to be able to move around more during the refeeding process would have been so helpful for me.
I have been overwhelmed by the supportive comments and really enjoyed how people have told me about their experiences and their views – it’s broadened my own viewpoints and given me a bit more insight into the way we all deal with things. But on every blog, every now and then, we get a not-so-positive comment:
Nicole Marie Story says:
“During refeeding?” Oh my God… you are a hot mess, Fiona. I like your other blog so much better… you have balls in that one.
So. I decided that I would address the point she has raised in this – “During refeeding“.
Since I didn’t care to ask – I assume that she means “WHAT refeeding?” As in, you are still one of those ‘skinny ugly mean anorexics’. And yes, I do still have a LONG way to go, but I’ve also come a long way – I’ve been partially refed, I suppose. I will post proof of how far I have come at the bottom of this (as usual) TL: DR post. (Trigger warning)
I have done the refeeding process so many times I’ve lost count. And I know that everyone out there who has had relapses of their eating disorder has probably done it too. Even people who are fighting eating disorders and overweight need to go through a refeeding process. No, they aren’t focussing on gaining weight like those who are underweight must – but their bodies still need to have crucial nutrients restored.
You don’t need to be underweight to be malnourished.
And as we know, part (and only PART – don’t forget the emotional, psychological issues either!) of what drives our eating disorders is our malnourishment/deprivation. Our bodies are starving for nutrients. As long as they are lacking, they are going to give us a song and dance about it! They’ll drive us to overeat, to binge, at the very least, they’ll drive our obsession about food, our weight, our appearance, exercise, etc.
Are any of you familiar with the Minnesota Semi-Starvation Experiment? Many of you, I expect, will be. It seems to be a go-to education tool in many treatment programs. And for good reason – it’s mind-blowing! The first time you read it, you are shocked, because you thought your behaviours, your obsessions, everything you did was unique. Some of you might even have argued when told some of what you did was stereotypical ED behaviour. “I do this because I want to.. because I love food.. because I’m just a very active person who loves to exercise.. because I LIKE to eat strange combinations of food.. because I LIKE chewing gum and drinking 109092 teas and coffees and diet colas…” etc etc etc. But it’s not part of having an eating disorder, hell no.
Oh yeah? Well it IS, folks.
At the end of World War II, with returning POW’s, with famine in Europe and Asia, and many more people in danger of mass famine as a result of the war itself, a clinical study was undertaken at the University of Minnesota under the lead of Ancel Keyes. This study – the Minnesota Semi-Starvation Experiment – was to investigate the effects of semi-starvation, and the impact of different ways of rehabilitating those who were starving.
36 healthy men were selected from over 400 who applied to take part in this study. These men were aged between 22 and 33 years old, had demonstrated strong mental and physical health, commitment to the study, and the ability to get on with a group of people while enduring deprivation and hardship.
These men volunteered to subject themselves to a year-long invasion of privacy, nutritional deprivation and physical and mental hardship necessary to complete the study.
For the first twelve weeks, the men, who were as close to their ‘ideal’ weight as possible, ate a controlled, varied diet of roughly 3200 calories. Then, they were starved for six months.
During the 6-month semi-starvation period, each subject’s dietary intake was cut to approximately 1,560 calories per day. Their meals were composed of foods that were expected to typify the diets of people in Europe during the latter stages of the war: potatoes, rutabagas, turnips, bread and macaroni. On average, each man lost a quarter of his starting body weight.
After this six months of starvation, the men had a twelve week restricted rehabilitation period where they were divided into four groups and given four different calorie allowances. Within these groups, they were also divided into subgroups in order to be given different regimes of protein and vitamin supplementation. At the end of this twelve weeks, they had eight weeks of unrestricted rehabilitation where they were allowed to eat as they wish, but still carefully monitored.
So what happened to the men, when they were starved?
Most of the men experienced severe emotional distress and depression. One man even cut three of his own fingers off with an axe.
All of the men developed intense preoccupations with food while being starved – which continued even during rehabilitation.
Also, all of the men experienced (among many things):
- Hysteria and Hypochondriasis
- Withdrawal and isolation
- Reduced sexual interest
- Decline in concentration, comprehension and judgement capabilities
- irritability and impatience
And physically (also just a few of many):
- Marked decrease in basal metabolic rate (energy required by body at a state of rest)
- reduced body temperature
- reduced respiration rate
- reduced heart rate
- edema (swelling) in extremities - thought to be from the massive amounts of water the men drank to fill their stomachs.
- increasing physical weakness
From an interview later with participants:
“As semistarvation progressed, the enthusiasm of the participants waned; the men became increasingly irritable and inpatient with one another and began to suffer the powerful physical effect of limited food. Carlyle Frederick remembered “… noticing what’s wrong with everybody else, even your best friend. Their idiosyncrasies became great big deals … little things that wouldn’t bother me before or after would really make me upset.” Marshall Sutton noted, “… we were impatient waiting in line if we had to … and we’d get disturbed with each other’s eating habits at times … I remember going to a friend at night and apologizing and saying, ‘Oh, I was terrible today, and you know, let’s go to sleep with other thoughts in our minds.’ We became, in a sense, more introverted, and we had less energy. I knew where all the elevators were in the buildings.” The men reported decreased tolerance for cold temperatures, and requested additional blankets even in the middle of summer. They experienced dizziness, extreme tiredness, muscle soreness, hair loss, reduced coordination, and ringing in their ears. Several were forced to withdraw from their university classes because they simply didn’t have the energy or motivation to attend and concentrate.”
But most interesting is what happened for the men in relation to FOOD.
“Food became an obsession for the participants. Robert Willoughby remembered the often complex processes the men developed for eating the little food that was provided: “… eating became a ritual … Some people diluted their food with water to make it seem like more. Others would put each little bite and hold it in their mouth a long time to savor it. So eating took a long time.” Carlyle Frederick was one of several men who collected cookbooks and recipes; he reported owning nearly 100 by the time the experiment was over. Harold Blickenstaff recalled the frustration of constantly thinking about food:
I don’t know many other things in my life that I looked forward to being over with any more than this experiment. And it wasn’t so much … because of the physical discomfort, but because it made food the most important thing in one’s life … food became the one central and only thing really in one’s life. And life is pretty dull if that’s the only thing. I mean, if you went to a movie, you weren’t particularly interested in the love scenes, but you noticed every time they ate and what they ate.Two volunteers broke diet and were excused from the experiment; one stopped at various shops for sundaes and malted milks and later stole and ate several raw rutabagas and the other consumed huge amounts of gum and admitted to eating scraps of food from garbage cans. Both also suffered severe psychological distress during the semistarvation period, resulting in brief stays in the psychiatric ward of the university hospital. Another participant broke diet and later suffered some urological complications that prevented his data from being included, but he was asked to stay on and help in the kitchen. Initially the participants were allowed to chew gum, but some of the men began chewing up to 40 packages of gum a day. One of the participants was later excluded because his pattern of weight loss was not consistent with the amount of food intake and energy expenditure, and there was concern raised about excessive gum chewing.
After the rehabilitation period, many of the men found it hard to not eat too much – One man was taken to hospital to have his stomach pumped from eating too much food. Another was sick on the bus on the way home from eating because he was eating so much. Many of the men reported eating excessively long after the study was over. Read about it here They Starved So That Others Be Better Fed.
So what does this tell us?
It tells us that starving our body of nutrients has a long lasting effect on our bodies and our minds. It drives us to eat – our body’s way of trying to survive. It drives us to obsessiveness and compulsiveness.
And it tells us that if we want to NOT BINGE – we have to EAT PROPERLY. Restricting will always cause the opposite reaction eventually.
Most importantly, it demonstrates why, if we want to be free of the eating disorder’s symptoms we do have to refeed our bodies. These men all had NO issues with food, weight, depression, obsessions and compulsions, etc – before they were starved. It was starving that caused them to develop them!
Please note – it’s adviseable to be under medical supervision whilst undergoing refeeding especially if you are identified to be at risk. Refeeding Syndrome can be unpredictable – and deadly. It’s actually one of THE most deadly aspects of eating disorders according to The Academy of Eating Disorders.
Okay – here is the trigger warning. I’m about to post photos of myself when I was very unwell – not the sickest I’ve been by far, but at what used to be my ‘average’ weight. I used to drop about 5-6 kilos lower than this to be admitted, and be taken up to about 5 kilos higher than this to be discharged. I am currently 10 kilos heavier than in these photos. This is me NOW:
And THIS is me when sicker:
I don’t look happy do I? *pout*
Probably because I was MISERABLE..
My face:
I had actually just been discharged from hospital the day I took this photo. I didn’t see how haggard I was then. Now – I’m shocked.
And my LEGS, before they totally wasted away (and I wasn’t able to walk):
YUCK.
Compare these to today’s legs:
Gotta dance! That’s what I need healthy legs for!
So, Nicole, even though you don’t believe I have undertaken at least some refeeding – I have. Proof is above. Yes, more is needed. But I’m not just talking about ‘refeeding’ without any actual experience of undergoing it.
And because we all need a reason to keep going – here’s mine 
She keeps me warm – and warms my heart
Thank you for reading! I hope I made sense.
Can you see how your body’s deprivation of all that it needs has affected your eating disorder – your thoughts, your behaviours? Has nutrition helped you to improve your life?
Quickly edited to add -Happy Independence Day to all you Americans
I had never been depressed, angry or so annoyed at everything and everyone in my life more than when I had an eating disorder. It is SO INCREDIBLY unlike me to be that way, It was not me. I was not me. And it was the most dreadful experience of my life. I was OBSESSED with numbers, calculating my next meal, having anxiety attacks over whether or not to add a cracker to my soup. I stopped being happy. I stopped laughing. I worry SO MUCH about others in my life going through the same bullshit. G only eats 900 cals a day. The last time we went out he said all he’d had to eat that entire day was a bowl of soup. He just….UHG….it makes me want to cry. And hold him. And tell him it’s okay. That I love him exactly the way he is. I don’t want him to do what I did, I don’t want him to change. I’ve never laughed with someone more in my life, I want to keep making him laugh. The minute he stops laughing I am pulling the plug on his diet.
And now that I see this study, and I understand that my experience was not a unique one, I will watch very closely for signs. Thank you so much for posting this Fiona. Thank you. You are doing an AMAZING job with your recovery, these photos are definite proof of that. I can’t even begin to describe how proud I am of you. You are a wonderful, beautiful woman and I trust you will never give up your happiness for anything, especially not an eating disorder, ever again. *hug*
It’s such an ‘aha’ moment when we realise WHY we were so out of character isn’t it!! I’ve known about this study for over a decade and yet I still find something to identify with every time I revisit it. I’m glad you now can see that you weren’t being yourself when you were depressed and irritable. That it was a side effect of starvation. It also helps to know that, because it gives us a reality check about whether it was ‘good’ to be that way or not. In a ‘grass is always greener’ way, I find myself thinking things were better when I was starving. They were not – I look at this and remember how I WAS more depressed, more irritable, I couldn’t think, I was a totally different person.
It’s worrying that your G is only eating that little!! For a man, that’s even more shocking (since men tend to be bigger and use more energy(I’m assuming)) Do you think he has an eating disorder, or is
it stress? It must be very hard for you, to maintain your own eating knowing that he’s not eating enough, and worry you so much knowing first hand what it’s like to experience this. I’m glad he has someone so understanding who cares about him as much as you do. Good luck and I’ll be thinking of you both and hoping.
And thank you so much for saying such nice things about me. I read over these comments earlier today, and I never stop being shocked that people can say such nice things – it’s really lovely and makes me realise I do have a reason not just to be responsible for myself, but I don’t want to let down anyone who has read this by getting sick again. *hugs back* You are lovely
God damn. Thanks for sharing the photographs. You look just as crazy in them as you do at a ‘normal’ weight. It should absolutely be your goal to find your way in society as a productive member. I think you can do that with your writing about eating disorders. You have an audience, you have a group of persons who subscribe to the woe-is-me mentality. So capitalise on it. You must! I think you look pretty in your Russian photograph with Shalimar. But you’re an ugly person. Let’s see if you can ever improve in my eyes… I hereby challenge you to that, Fiona.
I understand that you pride yourself on selfishness, self-aggrandizement and rampant narcissism however it still astonishes me that you find seeking your approval something anyone would find worthy of effort. Your anger at Fiona’s ability to speak honestly about not just her ED but the emotions and experiences behind it are as transparent as your jealousy at anyone living a better, happier more fulfilling life than that of a brittle dog-walker being subsidized by her parents (LOOTER) in the back-woods of Pennsylvania yearning for a life she will never achieve in NYC.
You say your family hates your blog but as it turns out, you’re not the only writer in your immediate family and there are some people willing to expose your lies if for no other reason than spite but also possibly to force you to face the truth about yourself so perhaps you can, as you so callously directed Fiona, find your way in society as a productive member and stop sucking the air out of every room you enter and draining all those around you mentally, spiritually and financially.
You’ve gone too far with this one, Nicole!
NIcole, why would you write this??? Fiona is honest and doing very well in recovery, and she IS a productive member of society. And she is NOT an ugly person!
Fiona, keep working hard in recovery. I’m so proud of you!!!
Thank you, Angela, for sticking up for me, I’m fine. We know she’s sick, no excuse, but her words have no power as they come from an insane place. Hope you have been doing well
xxx
I nearly split my sides laughing when I rescued this comment from the spam, Nicole – because it was so quintessentially YOU. I have said again and again all I really have to say, so there isn’t much more to add. But honestly, I would be worried to be a good person in your eyes, given the murkiness of your true colours when you show them.
Thanks for posting more about the Minnesota Semi-Starvation experience. I have heard of it on a basic level (“A study where they restricted these guys’ food intake and eventually they got kind of crazy and unstable”), and it’s nice to learn more about it.
It makes perfect sense, too. I had the world’s shortest fuse during my disordered phase, and had trouble getting along with people (not the case now).
You look wonderful now– what a road you have traveled! Be strong and keep moving forward. Love to you and that sweet kitty.
I’m so glad you found it helpful! I only was given a summary in hospital, so when I looked it up on the net and found so much MORE to read it was utterly fascinating and helped me gain a lot of insight into my own behaviours and obsessions!
I’m glad you are in a better place now and able to enjoy life. I clicked over to your blog and saw your wedding photos and it was absolutely beautiful – I’m so happy for you – congratulations
Love to you, too
I don’t comment much but I lurk (and often intend to comment then realise it has been a week or so since the entry was posted and then feel silly about commenting on something so late. Oh the things I worry about), I hope you don’t mind my commenting here.
First off, I hope this isn’t taken the wrong way. I know these words can be deadly to someone with an ED and I mean them in only the most positive of ways, but you look so much healthier now. More full of life, glowy and HAPPY. Please don’t think I mean you look fat (I know how healthy is taken, I do it myself
) and I know there is still a long way to go for you, but gosh, the difference is immense. And wonderful. And healthy. It almost brought tears to my eyes, the good kind.
Malnourishment is a bastard. Five plus years into my ED, in its various incarnations, and I am still not properly underweight. Perhaps borderline. But the malnourishment, the anger and paranoia and the hair falling out and shitty skin and nails… yep, I have all that. I know I am an utter evil bitch sometimes because of the paranoia and the anger and the fucking food rituals. The ED makes me so fucking angry sometimes, it has ruined the holiday of a lifetime for me because I can’t help but snap at my family sometimes when mealtimes are screwed with or they try to make me eat something utterly unsafe. I guess I could help it really, but it is all so overwhelming.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this about me. I wish you all the best with continuing your recovery (I believe in recovery too
) and I just want to say you are an inspiration. I hope that one day I can recover too.
Hello Katie!!! Thank you so much for commenting. I don’t mind how late a comment is – it’s never too late here
Thank you for being so aware of how your comments might be taken – it’s a double edged sword, isn’t it? But your words are true and I can see that truth myself – I like the ‘now’ pictures much better myself too. My brain still gets arrgh when people comment often – because they tend to focus on my face and even pinch my cheeks!!! And my face is probably the bit of me I’m most…. not comfortable with lol. Oh well.
Please don’t blame yourself. It’s done. And I don’t believe you really could control it – evidence being looking back on times I’ve eaten with so many others in hospital with this. When you see full grown women (many who are successful outside of hospital) screaming, throwing their food at the wall, smashing plates, etc – you realise how sick we are and how little control we actually have when deep in the ED.
It sounds like you have been through hell, and I hope so much that things only start to get better for you. I’m so sorry about your holiday but not surprised. I stayed up north with my father and his family a few times years ago when he was alive – and it was SO hard. I dreaded it as much as I looked forward to it, and I hated myself because I couldn’t even ‘pretend’ to be ‘okay’ just for their sake, I’d last about… until the first meal! And then I’d not have the energy to play with my little sister all the time like she wanted, I’d fall over after a few bouts of tumbling with her, or need naps during the day which they found worrying. I still can’t really forgive myself for worrying them so much
It’s so possible that you can get through this and come out the other side. I never, ever believed it possible for myself – and yet, here I am. Still a way to go yes, but I know it’s possible. And it’s possible for you too – so never give up hope! I’ll be thinking of you and praying xx
Refeeding is a nightmare. In the hospital, I witnessed EVERYBODY suffering from horrendous indigestion, bloating, cramps, nausea, and physical pain from both constipation and stomach stretching. The intensines and bowels forget how to function, the body has enormous issues with sodium (leading to lots of fainting spells and dehydration) and the amount of gas (lol) that is conjured up could create a bomb, I think.
I’ve done formal refeeding, with and without tubes, ten times. It’s a nightmare, and it takes months to get regular again. Most people relapse during refeeding because it is so physically challenging, they would do anything to stop feeling so awful. During my last stay, when I was not even tubed nor at my lowest point, I was in ridiculous pain from edema and bloating. Ugghh I still have nightmares of my swollen feet.
Thanks for this post. Yup, recognizing you have a long way to go is good, but recognizing progress is just as important. Give credit where credit is due!
YES!! It’s so true. Sometimes because it’s been a while now, I think maybe I was exaggerating it, but no way. It’s horrendous
And the gas – haha – so true! I actually once had nurses put a fan up facing me because I was farting so badly it was gassing out the nurses station haha I call it the revenge of the ensure plus! The edema really gets to me too. I get it chronically anyway, so when I’m refeeding and I’m feeling like I’m about to explode with these wobbling fluidy limbs it breaks my heart. Last time I was on TPN, the arm that my picc line was in swelled up four times the size of the other one, it looked hideous, and all I could do all day was lie there and stare at it, was HORRIBLE. I cried SO much. Thank God it returned to looking like an ARM again. But often the ‘cure’ for this is more horrible than being sick – and the hardest part is to hang on to the gains you have made until they settle down – which can take a year!!!
Ten times – I’ve done it many many times too – but obviously you have been through a nightmare too and my heart goes out to you – I would do ANYTHING not to go through that ever again and I hope you never have to again – thank you so much for such a lovely comment.
wow Fiona you have come an incredibly long way! that is amazing!! i can’t believe anyone as ill and in denial as Nicole would call you a hot mess and it upsets me horribly. please don’t listen to her, it sounds from what you wrote that you know what your truth is and i hope you hang onto that! you have overcome a lot and you are still fighting to move forward unlike N.
love and hugs.
Thank you so much for caring – it’s okay. I don’t take Nicole’s words to heart any more because I know they aren’t coming from a ‘well’ place. They mean nothing, and I’ve dealt with far far worse than her in my lifetime. As you have too, sadly. We are both survivors and we have both come such a long way – you inspire ME so much every single day. Thank you so much and love and hugs right back to you xx
okay i got a little protective there!
thank you so much you are an inspiration too to me!
love x0x0
*hugs* much appreciated xoxo
You’re so far from a hot mess Fiona
You look fantastic now! And no you didn’t look happy in those old photos. You don’t have to listen to anyone who criticises you, because you’re doing what’s best for YOU.
I’ve heard of that study but i’ve never heard what the participants of the experiment said, when i was on Lighterlife i would watch tv and focus on what they were eating and it would drive me crazy, especially if the actor left any food on the plate. I’d have to think of the food being consumed years ago and being all mouldy and yucky to finally stop me pining for it haha. Thank God those days are over
xx
It must have been utter HELL for you on Lighterlife. I don’t know anything about it but I assume you have meal replacement drinks? Every time I see those in the chemist (or even the supermarket now!) I shake my head (there are so many of them out there too, nearly as many brands as breakfast cereals these days..) I don’t know how people can’t be on that sort of plan and NOT want to eat everything. It doesn’t make sense to me at all. I know now, that the best way to lose weight is by doing something that’s sustainable for a lifetime and that doesn’t starve us, because our bodies will fight back, and if we can’t sustain it, the moment we ‘end’ the diet, it is all going to come back plus interest. I’m glad you see that too now. I hope you gain peace over your ED and live the life you’ve always deserved – you are on the right path
xx
And I found it interesting that the people who make Ensure plus also make a brand of those VLCD drinks – I think the Optifast ones!! It made me unable to really trust the Ensures as a medicine any more – I lost respect for them. I know these are just companies making money from nutrition needs whether it’s to gain or lose – but it felt too much like they have a foot in either money pile and were exploiting people on both ends of the weight spectrum. Well I guess they ARE.. but still.. I guess having such a strong aversion to ‘diets’ especially the meal replacement sort of crap – I felt that a company that encourages people to use a diet that is in most cases not going to help them in the long term and perhaps even ADD to their problems – was rather hypocritical also making a supplement mostly marketed at those with eating disorders!!! Honestly.. argh.
This post is great!
I will read it again and again. The thing that surprised me the most is the part where they became annoyed at other peoples eating habits. I didn’t realise that my intense annoyance at the sound of others eating was related to ED!! Fascinating stuff!!
I’ve also had a pretty big epiphany thanks to this post!!
Thank you!!
I love your blog!!
XX
Thank you so much, Rose, I am glad that you found it helpful! I find this study helpful too and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve returned to it. Thank you so much for such nice words
xxx
I’m usually a very quiet reader of your wonderful blog and others written by people recovering from eating disorders, but today I am moved to say thank you so much for sharing your experience, strength and hope with such courage and love.
Thank you so much for the information on the Minnesota Semi-Starvation Experiment. From the age of 10 when I went on my first diet and until the age of 37, every day that I ate more than 1000 calories I felt like a failure. What a shock today to realize that what I was aiming for was close to, if not a starvation diet. No wonder my life was hell for 27 years and that I suffered from unrelenting depression. No wonder I binged and threw up. I was semi-starving all that time.
My goal at 20 years old was not to be thin but to look like Raquel Welch (BMI 19 at 5’6″ and 118 pounds at the time) WITHOUT DRAWING ANY ATTENTION TO MYSELF(!), simply so that my boyfriend would “love” me when he came home from Vietnam. Of course, no matter what I weighed I looked like myself, not Raquel Welch! And I hated my face. My perception of myself was “ugly at any weight.” I thought the ONLY thing I had going for myself was not being overweight. My boyfriend did express disgust at overweight women. He expressed delight with my body and his perspective helped me to see my body as beautiful, if not my face. I thought that if I lost a little weight, he would be even more delighted with me. I was 5’7″ and 135 pounds. While he was in Vietnam , I was able to get down to 118 pounds briefly by eating nothing except Diet Pepsi and fruit and a small dinner while working 8 hours a day as a letter carrier. By the time he returned from Vietnam, I weighed 135 again. I’m shocked to recall these things so clearly now.
Because I am speaking anonymously, I can say that Overeaters Anonymous was the key to my recovery from anorexia and bulimia. It may not be the answer for everyone with an eating disorder, but it saved my life, along with Al-Anon and AA. Reading your blog since last fall and those of others recovering from eating disorders has enhanced my life in an astonishing way. In my small town, there are very few bulimics who attend OA meetings. For that matter, there are few people who attend OA meetings here, considering that there are so many people who suffer from eating disordered behavior. As far as I know, I am the only recovering anorexic attending meetings at this time in my small town. Your ongoing story of healing from anorexia and bulimia means the world to me.
I especially appreciated your observation that an obese person can be malnourished and suffer digestive problems when they begin to eat for nourishment. Perhaps obesity is a result of not being able to healthy food because of life-long digestive difficulties. Many junk foods are easy to digest, but contain massive amounts of calories and little nutrition. While restricting my food intake, I used to suffer from constipation, and the only thing that would relieve it was to eat large amounts of junk food and then throw up.
I appreciated the email you sent me some time ago in response to your password-protected post. I am sorry that I didn’t respond until now. As I mentioned the last time I commented on your blog, I have PTSD that flares up in the spring. I’m still a bit shaky from the PTSD but grateful to be free from active anorexia and bulimia for the last 25 years.
It’s an ongoing process that is increasingly joyful despite some difficulties in my life as I grow older without the support of a husband or children or a job, as well as my continuing difficulties with PTSD. I know now that I am not alone and that MY BLESSINGS ARE GREATER THAN MY DIFFICULTIES.
You and others seem to me to be kindred spirits and pioneers in the continuing process of recovering from eating disorders, each finding her own unique way in the company of others. I am glad to be alive and still recovering. I wonder if I would be alive if I hadn’t talked to another bulimic and anorexic woman in OA 25 years ago. She had stopped throwing up and starving herself 6 months before I met her. It was only then that I knew that it would be possible to stop throwing up and restricting and not become fat.
There was no Internet support community back then. Anorexia and bulimia were only beginning to be identified as a widespread problem. I was not aware of any treatment centers at that time. When I told my doctor that I was bulimic, he didn’t say to stop. He just said to be moderate about it. Although I wasn’t overweight, he gave me a calorie-restricted diet to follow when I expressed concern about my weight.
Thank you for your kind wishes for Independence Day. It is a good day to declare what amounts to something like independence from eating disordered behavior. My experience is that I still have eating disordered thoughts, but THEY NO LONG HAVE THE POWER TO RUN MY LIFE. As Greta wrote so eloquently on her blog recently, we have a choice whether to be influenced by eating disordered thoughts or not. We can CHOOSE not to act in ways that hurt ourselves. It’s not easy, as we all know, but it can be done. There is living proof here in these ED blogs that I read daily.
I was sad to see iamnotshe writing that she is “done for awhile, but I can relate to her reasons for being done. I do have a blog, but it is not specifically about eating disorders. It started as a recovery from PTSD blog, now that I think of it. It is about art and music and walking and books and poetry and anything else I want to share about the joys and sorrows of life, including eating disorders. I can say today that there is more joy than sorrow in my blog, but I do express sorrow at times.
I read your blog because I can see that you are finding that balance, too. Much love to you, dear Fiona!
Yikes! We quiet people have a lot to say once we start writing. Hope that WordPress doesn’t think this is spam.
Dear AM, I totally agree that quiet people have a lot to say when they start! I used to be such a mouse, these days, you can’t shut me up
I’m glad you feel comfortable to speak here. It means SO MUCH to me to read your comment, I’ve read it a couple of times already, and thank you so much – because to think that someone finds that what I write – this ‘powerless’ girl who pretty much has a ‘pathetic, nothing life’- can affect someone out there so deeply in a good way. It gives ME hope and reminds me I’m actually not powerless at all.
I’m so sorry. I had a doctor who told me to stop eating so much fruit if I wanted to lose weight when I was at my highest, without bothering to find out how I put on so much so fast, and that I had a long history of restriction. So that’s what I went away and did, but to the 500% degree.
I’m so sorry you have been through so much. It’s so sad to hear how you felt your boyfriend would love you more the thinner you were despite him loving you as you were – because he loved YOU. I think it’s a common thing that many of us feel we just aren’t worthy – I have spent my life feeling unworthy and inferior – and for at least a while, we have this illusion that if only we are thinner, we will somehow be a better person and happier our lives will be all sorted out etc.. I definitely believed that strongly myself. I still look back and see how much it did NOT make sense but I was fully sucked in!
I’m so excited that you are inspired by independence day to declare independence from the disorder! Because it’s only what you deserve! I do know some friends who have recovered who no longer experience the thoughts, but I don’t know if that will ever be myself – probably not. But you are right – we absolutely don’t have to ACT on them. Knowledge is power. I totally was in the control of the ED thoughts before I knew the nature of this beast. Now I know I don’t have to give in to them. I can’t control that they are there, but I still have the power when it comes to choosing my actions.
I’m really sorry about your experience with that doctor. I really do think more frontline medicos need to be more aware – they are mostly the first port of call for someone with an ED and to miss it is bad enough but to give potentially dangerous advice is.. yes dangerous
I’m sad about Melis not blogging anymore too – but also happy – because it’s for such a good reason! I hope one day that’s me, my life being so much a full healthy LIFE that I am able to move away from blogging about eating disorders at all
Hang in there – my thoughts are with you. EMail me any time you need to – I understand the PTSD and *hugs* feel for you xx
What a beautiful person you are, Fiona! Thank you for taking the time to read my long comment and to comment in return.
I’m not a religious person, but I thought of Julian of Norwich, a Christian mystic, when I read your comment in response to being called ugly by one who is very sick and also quite powerless over you. These are Julian’s words:
“For this sight I laughed mightily, and that made them to laugh that were about me, and their laughing was a pleasure to me.”
Julian’s turning point was on May 8, 1373. She was healed. My turning point was twenty-five years ago on May 8th. It took me a long time before I was able to laugh, but the laughter did come with time and healing. It is good to be able to laugh with you today. I hope that our laughter will always come from a place of love, from deep in our hearts!
Another thing about Julian of Norwich is that she is the patron saint of cats (-:
Wow, Ella! I have never heard of Julian of Norwich before, or even known there was a patron saint of cats. And what an amazing coincidence. You shared a turning point. It just blows my mind that it’s been 25 years for you, that’s a long time. I’m glad you are here today and glad you are able to laugh – glad you have love and laughter in your life and healing too. I hope I can follow in your footsteps xx
You are a different person inside and out now and you can tell not only how you look but how you speak so well of your disorder…But try not o let anyone’s negative response make you feel like you need to answer them as I’ve found it really does no good….if people want to rant they will rant…and it’s so hard to keep from trying to make them understand.. You gave a lot of interesting information though maybe to some that really needed to hear it….Diane
I feel like a different person, Diane, I really do. And people say that about me too, people here who have been around me during these years of this. I realise that the negative commenter here is sick too, and for that reason I am careful to not take what she says to heart, just to pray for her. I hope that when she’s ready, she might learn something but you can’t make the horse drink so to speak! Thank you for being so supportive bless you xx
I don’t really comment much because I’m never sure what to say. I’m always so in awe of your strength and self-awareness and honesty and wisdom. I think of you often when things get hard for me, and am always energized and inspired by you.
You are just so amazing and I hope you know that, because you are such a beacon of light.
It means a lot to me that you read, Quillian – and thank you. Your comment just.. I don’t even know what to say, I’m finding people saying such lovely things about me quite overwhelming (In a really good way lol)
thank you.
xx
I’m glad you find hope in what I write – and it reminds ME that I need to hang on too, because I think of people like you and tell myself, I can’t give up. People have said that I’ve given them some hope, I can’t let them down even if I wouldn’t be able to do this for myself right now – so you are helping me too without even knowing
Fiona, I have been a reader and an admirer of your strength and courage for a while and I have learned a lot from you. Especially this post since I had not heard of the Minnesota Semi-Starvation Experiment. I normally am just a reader of blogs but I was compelled to say something.
In my opinion Nicole is a verbal abuser and its best for you and other bloggers who have been verbally attacked to stop engaging with her. She has her own “platform to preach her beliefs”. It angers me how she has treated you, Emma, Missy and others. When is enough, enough? It should no longer matter why the abuser behaves the way he or she does, it should just stop and when the abuser refuses to stop then the person who is being abuse needs to do what they can to protect themselves. In this case block her comments. I understand your feelings behind wanting to post this and perhaps your hope of a better “outcome” but reconsider engaging with her in the future. Please know I only say this because I care about you even though I never meant you.
Hi Ella, I really appreciate what you have said – thank you. I’m glad that you found this study helpful! It really is fascinating isn’t it.
Thank you for your advice re: Nicole. She is abusive and you are right – it doesn’t matter WHY she behaves that way. Many of us have been through hell ourselves and not turned around and become abusers ourselves.
It’s not possible that we have found to completely block someone from commenting on wordpress, but some of us have shared how to have her comments automatically sent to spam. So far that works for me. But I do still see her comments – I empty my spam folder daily as I have had quite a few legitimate comments end up there for reasons I can’t fathom. I chose to publish her comment yesterday and her comment today because I felt that putting it out there took it’s power away from it. Keeping it to myself, I feel I totally would have taken her words to heart and they are cruel. But putting it out here – not only do I feel those words no longer have power over me, but I have other people step in – like a few have here – which reminds me that SHE is the one with the problem – not me – because I have spent my LIFE doubting myself and as we can see, she knows JUST the way to hit deepest, like any malignant narcissist does.
So while we can’t stop her comments, we have the choice of whether they have the light of day or not. I chose to make this post ‘for her’ since she questioned refeeding and is obviously so ignorant about so many well researched aspects of eating disorders. She might not take it on board now, but hopefully she’ll file it away in some distant bit of brain space when she’s gotten over herself and is ready to join the human race instead of sit apart and take potshots at it. Thank you again so much for caring xx
Hi Fiona, thank you for replying to my comment. Yet again another reason to admire you. : ) When you said, “putting it out here – not only do I feel those words no longer have power over me” it reminded me that we must never keep silent about abuse. Because in silence the abuser always wins.
*this is my second attempt at posting this. Not sure what happened or where the first one went. If you get two I’m sorry. lol
Hey again Ella, I will check the Spam to see if you ended up there! I don’t know why it happens sometimes randomly. Your comments are definitely welcome. I agree with you – that’s why I’ve been trying to talk about more and more that I used to keep silent. It’s a burden shared when I talk about it, and it’s taking it’s power away. It’s also saying “THIS IS NOT OKAY AND I AM NOT GOING TO HIDE YOUR ABUSE” to them. I can’t find a way to block people entirely from my blog – I can send them to spam, but I still check my spam folder – as you have found yourself, sometimes welcome comments end up there too. And won’t let her words be something that torments me as they do if I keep them to myself. Thank you so much for understanding and for being so lovely
After reading this I had to pause.
It took me several hours. I’m such an emotional wreck. Yeah… those are my ED’s leftovers. Malnutrition has turned me into this sad and sick young/old creature. I’ve lost health, ability to feel and understand. I lost a part of my brains, I believe too. My memory is all fucked up, some of the abilities, like languages I used to speak well or play some instruments. A lot need to be mended and repaired now.
And you are this amazing petite woman! Despite every horror sentence you’ve written about that horrible experiment and I can tell, have lived through some of the described things – you raised above it all. You’ve got life. OK, maybe a little piece of it, but I feel your hunger for more! More LIFE! Go ahead, taste, enjoy, own it! Love You!
It’s heartbreaking to read this, Greta, so sad. I am so sad that you lost so much to the ED. There are many of us, for whom we will wear/feel the ED’s leftovers for the rest of our lives, a constant reminder that it’s not some la la fluffy bunnies game to play at all – it’s a serious, deadly illness. You are right probably about your thinking – me too. Brain damage DOES occur through malnutrition. Every single time I’ve been in hospital the first thing they do is give you a series of Thiamine injections. I used to query whether I needed them, at least why they couldn’t be taken in tablet form (because an injection (let alone three days of them) when there is nothing much to inject into is HELL) Well, apparently in alcoholics, they suffer malnutrition too – something to do with the alcohol preventing food nutrients from being properly absorbed. This leads to a serious form of brain damage called Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome that up to 80 percent (!!!) of alcoholics WILL develop. And that’s the danger for us with eating disorders too, hence the thiamin injections! Scary.
Imagine how much more likely this would be for someone who battled alcohol AND an ED? VERY scary.
But I do believe we can repair it. My own grandfather taught himself to walk after a stroke that left doctors saying he’d never walk again from the brain damage impairing that part of his brain! So never give up.
Thank you for such a lovely comment – Greta, I AM hungry for LIFE now, just a little taste has whet my appetite, and reading blogs by people like YOU who ARE now living more and more LIFE – has inspired me. Love you too xxx
Fiona, thank you so much for posting this – I am so glad you did and grateful that you had the courage it must have taken! The thing that really leapt out at me in these photos was the change in your smile – it’s almost as though your face wasn’t capable of expressing contentment at your lower weight, but the photo with Shalimar shows a completely different expression. I wish you all the best in continuing this process!
Thank you SO much, Rose, I’m glad you found this a helpful post. And you are right. I wasn’t capable of looking happy when I was more unwell, because I was deeply miserable. I could force my face to ‘smile’ but it never looked (or felt) convincing. Honestly it was the most miserable place in the world and I feel sorry for people who are deluded enough to want to be that thin
Thank you so much for such lovely words – I hope things only get better for you too xx
You look beautiful in that recent picture of you! The ones of you ill are horrible, not your bones, but your eyes. They seem dull, with no spark. You just seem so unhappy. And yey! Strong dancer legs!
Ah the Minnesota starvation study, I could bore on about it for years. It really helped me to realise I was normal! It was nice to know I wasn’t a neurotic, food-crazed, hysterical woman, but rather suffering from symptoms of starvation. One of my ED ‘things’ was to obsessively force food onto people. I used to bake loads of cake, and then get upset when people weren’t eating them! I used to get funny if friends skipped meals, or were eating something different!
Even in the refeeding process the men suffered, and some were even more distressed when they were when they were starving. I never understood my ‘binges’ when I was younger, I would eat until I was physically sick! I thought I was being greedy. I didn’t know it was my body trying to ‘stock up’ while it still could!
Yes, you have hit the nail on the head there – my eyes. Did you know, the thing most people have said to me who know me is that now I’m ‘alive’, it was like I was a dead woman walking before. I feel more alive!
I’m glad you know about the study too! Fascinating hey? I often talk about it when someone who doesn’t know about Eds wants to understand it better and it never fails to intrigue them (well so far. Because not everyone is interested, but so far people only ask to know more because they want to hear about it lol)
It helps understand the binges yes.. I wish we knew about this before it happened though. It might have helped me know what was happening myself instead of being so frightened at my sudden lack of control
I’ve never forced people to eat, but have heard of others do that, or cooking meals for them. I do get scared still if I think someone isn’t eating enough!
I hope that things are getting better for you now xx
It’s really funny but I remember my sister saying something similar to me. ‘You seem sad and falsely cheerful. Your eyes are sad!’ You just look so full of life and happy now. I know you’re not always happy, but you’re alive, you’re you. I agree with dead woman walking, that was me, periodically, for years!
Yeah, I can bore on about it. Also I’m way too much of an academic, I like to be informed! Everyone with an ED should read it! It’s also an anti-diet argument, and shows that everyone has a ‘set point’, it makes me slightly more confident about trusting my body to keep itself healthy without me rigidly needing to control my intake. The set point thing is interesting. Both my mother and I suffer from anorexia, and we both notice that when we’re ever below our ideal weights (BMI 18/19) we get really angry (not because we’re hungry, it just seems that our brains can’t function properly at that weight!) I would get really angry and worked up over stupid things.
I also hoard food. I used to keep things to look at, and not eat… it was very strange. I still have problems now! I have to stick to shopping lists!
When my weight was at it’s lowest, my binges were more erratic, and uncontrollable. If I had no money, I would eat stuff from bins, steal food. I remember being at my parents one holiday and eyeing up some tins of catfood… (I didn’t, but tempting, the binge urges were that strong!) I used to cry myself to sleep because I couldn’t understand what was happening to me! I would still be hungry when I was feeling physically sick. Knowing that it’s normal really helped and I wish I understood sooner. (I think the uncontrollable eating was witnessed with concentration camp survivors too!)
I am a total feeder. I’m worst with children and animals, because they won’t say if they’re hungry. I would make my son a huge plate of food and get really upset when he wouldn’t finish it (not angry with him, just upset.) It’s funny, now I’m eating a little better, what others eat doesn’t worry me so much (although I do worry if people don’t finish meals.) I remember getting really upset when my housemate skipped dinner because she wasn’t hungry, I was like ‘you can’t skip meals! It’s really bad!’ She pointed out that she was at least 10 kilos heavier than me and I hadn’t eaten properly for months. I get really, mothering? I need everyone to be fed and I really worry about it, yet now, I no longer care now I’m eating. Weird!
x
I do that too – I hoard food, I still struggle with it. unless I have a ‘hoard’ of food I am always at my wits end, I guess having my mum starve me didn’t help. I wish I could just feel okay without having to need to always be sure my next meal was guaranteed. Do you think that you don’t need to feed others as much now because you don’t need to ‘eat’ through them vicariously since you are able to eat yourself? It also does often become tied up with love and care too. Sometimes I wonder if my rejecting food was rejecting my mother, and all she stood for. the bingeing felt like I was thumbing my nose in her face – defying her. It also was like I was trying to fill the hole she never felt because she never cared or loved me.
and cat food and dog food 
dog food I was a kid at least, I don’t have that excuse for the others 
very ashamed and gross!
xx
But now that I know that stuff, it’s still something that has so much power over me too, because it seems to have grown a life of it’s own, and I could take away every single possible ‘reason’ for it and still need so badly to do it. Do you feel that way?
Yes concentration camp survivors totally have troubles with bingeing too I’ve read, and also with hoarding even years afterwards into their old age. And eating from the bins.. I’ve done it
the really good thing is that we are gaining insight – knowledge is power~
Fiona! Another great post. Thanks for all the time you put into sharing so much valuable information. You are a gifted writer and your heart comes through in your writing. I’m sure you help so many people. What a contribution to the world through YOU.
So many others have commented what I would say too. I just want to add my voice, another person, who is helped by you and who adores you.
Another person who commented here shows me that just stopping binging and purging does not mean you are well. You can stop the ED behavior but still be very sick. Her example shows me what I DON’T want in healing/recovery. So in a way that is also a contribution.
As for your questions….I struggled mentally and emotionally with eating long before I became bulimic (I mean like many years of mental and emotional turmoil over food/eating, but with no outward symptoms). It was when my weight went too low that the bulimia emerged in the form of b/p. It felt like there was no way it could not have emerged. But as I look back on that time, it wasn’t just a low weight….I was slowly getting more mal nourished over the course of many years, even though it was my intention to be eating healthfully. I just didn’t understand what my body needed. I bought into the popular ideas of low fat, veganism, raw foods…etc all of which have some truth in them. But too long on those food ways in addition to life long digestive handicaps and food allergies brought me to such a weak state.
Ironically, ever since my childhood I’ve loved to cook and I’ve learned a lot about cooking whole foods, healthy foods, delicious foods. So even though I’ve been very ill with ED, I’ve still always eaten some very nutritious foods and kept them in my body. I believe that has kept me alive.
Now I continue to seek true nourishment, better digestion, and self love.
[...] Eating Disorders and Refeeding. This One’s For Nicole. (faithandmeow.wordpress.com) Rate this:Share this postShareFacebookStumbleUponTwitterDiggPinterestRedditEmailTumblrLinkedInLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. [...]
Was just researching it, and you’re on the second page on Google! This is almost surprising, that 1500 calories was “semi-starving” and 3200 was normal. I say almost because I’m sure they were men, and probably much more active back then, though haha. Thanks for this
Oh, and this thought just popped into my head as I was making my second breakfast (lol).
I recall that my health psychology lecturer pointed out that eating disorders virtually don’t exist in third world countries, but as they start to become westernized and industrialized, rates of eating disorder rise.
I think this resonates very well with the study–it makes perfect sense! People who have been starved, are starting to get adequate food (refeeding) and may actually end up experience ED thoughts just like this study. Interesting huh!
It does make sense, but the truly amazing thing is that your health psychology lecturer is incorrect. There ARE people with eating disorders in third world countries – and far more than we realised. The problem is that they have not been documented – and that’s mostly because there are not the medical facilities there for them to approach for help – so they go undiagnosed. But there are plenty, one study I read estimated close to the same ratio as in most first world countries of bulimia at least!
Haha I didn’t see this comment before!! Wow that’s awesome!! Google works in funny ways
They were VERY active too, and remember men do seem to require more than women. It’s really mind boggling how little we allow ourselves and think that it’s ‘too much’. There is another post I did, where I wrote what the official calorie limit had to be for a country to be declared in famine – it was far more than you are eating, I know that for sure! Puts it in perspective hey? xx