There have been times throughout these years when I’ve come to know something without a doubt. Whether it’s a reality of my situation or about myself that I’ve until that moment denied, or it’s a reality of someone else in my world that affects me, or it’s a reality of LIFE – it’s been a defining moment that I’ve never forgotten.
Unfortunately the path to insight and enlightenment never runs smoothly – I found most of these occasions oh-so-painful. Because why do we hide the truth from ourselves in the first place? Mostly because it hurts too much? For me, that’s definitely so.
After I left home, I still held on to some fantasy that my mother did, deep down, love me as a mother. That the imaginary mother I’d spent my life hoping would emerge would come out and show her ‘real self’. It’s hard for someone who never existed except in my dreams, to show their ‘real self’.
I hung on to anorexia for many years in the hope that “my mother will love me, and then I’ll be okay, and I’ll be able to get better.” I don’t know what it was that I actually expected from her. Maybe it was just for her to acknowledge the pain that she’d caused me for so many years. Maybe it was for her to just care. I saw other patient’s parents and loved ones come into the hospital all the time, always hugging them, supporting them. Going into ward rounds with them (ward rounds being the most emotional and terrifying part of our week!). Wanting to be a part of whatever it took to help their loved ones. In comparison, I was very alone. My case workers went into ward rounds if they had the time, and I really appreciated that. They came to visit me. Friends sometimes came too, as long as they weren’t the friends I’d made on that very ward – because there is a ‘no past patient’ visitors policy for good reason. But there wasn’t anyone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be okay and remind me that there was more to life than this. Not that, in hindsight, having that happen would have ‘set me free’ like I imagined it would.
There are LOTS of people who don’t have anybody, and lots of people who might have families but struggle with them immensely so I know I’m far from alone. But it’s very hard to avoid feeling abandoned and uncared for when you are locked up in hospital against your will, trapped and frightened.
The bottom line is that even had I had the most supportive family from the start, even had my mother come in and apologised for the hurt and abuse, hugged me tight, promised me she wouldn’t hurt me ever again, told me she cared, whatever – even had that happened, it wouldn’t have helped me eating disorder wise. That is something that I’ve slowly had to accept comes down to me alone.
It’s been very, very hard to let go of this imaginary loving, supporting mother. Very hard. I had to admit to myself that she’d never really loved me and that she didn’t love me now, at all. That she would never love me. She wasn’t capable or willing to love me. That all she knew was how to cause harm and she wasn’t going to start changing in her 60′s (as she was then, she’s now in her 70′s) from the person she had been all her life long. She doesn’t even want to change. She’s happy being a malignant narcissist. And yet, I always held tight to the hope that somehow she would change, and the erroneous belief that this would be the key needed to unlock my illness and allow me to heal.
My moment of truth came about five or more years ago. (It’s hard to keep track of when things happened, the fifteen years of continual hospitalizations are a long blur to me. I even have had quite a number of people come up to me and say hello, start reminiscing about “this time when we..” and I cannot remember ever having set eyes on them in my life!)
I had been transferred from the ED unit with heart problems to the emergency department for safety’s sake, later to be transferred to cardiac care. It was there that I was told that they were not expecting at this stage that I would live through this night. The constant purging had dropped my potassium so low that my heart was struggling, and several days of IV’s hadn’t brought it up at all either. My other organs were also starting to fail and in tandem with being emaciated and weak, I was in huge trouble.
At that stage, I still had my mother as my next of kin. (I now no longer have any family next of kin – two special friends have that honour, and they not only would be prepared to be there if needed, they volunteered for this.) My mother was called by the emergency department staff and asked to please come in right away, as her daughter was in a critical condition and not expected to survive the night.
My mother lives an easy 5 minute drive from the hospital. She also, at that time, was driving everywhere all the time, long distances, short distances, daytime, night time, everywhere. There wasn’t any need for her to even go through the city area as she was on the same side of the city from the hospital.
But this evening (it was about 6pm I remember) her response was something along the lines of “I can’t come in. I couldn’t possibly drive there at night”.
The nurse who called her didn’t give up with that – and she was actually furious when she told me of this response. Not just that, but the nurse who had come down with me from the ED unit and who sat by my side for the next 12 hours, indicated to bring the phone to her and started telling my mother off. It didn’t work.
It was at this moment, that I realised without a doubt, that my mother did not love me, never had, never would. I could no longer deny that.
She didn’t even care if she never saw me alive again.
I made it through that night – it was one of many expectations of me not living that I defied. But the part of me that had hoped my mother could love me, that died.
It still has been years between that revelation, and me being able to totally cut her loose. I remained in touch, kept taking her calls and holding on through the inevitable screaming fits. (We never saw eye to eye, and our conversations would always degenerate into her offending me, or me offending her.) I don’t know why I bothered, but some part of me couldn’t stop trying.
Despite all the abuse – physical and emotional, the neglect, the craziness with food, turning a blind eye to and enabling the abuse from others – I kept forgiving her. I used to be endlessly forgiving. Maybe too forgiving. I gave every excuse in the book for her actions. At some stage, I had to wake up and realise I was flogging a dead horse here.
This all has had a huge effect on me in eating disorder terms. I had to face up to the fact that it really didn’t matter whether my mother loved me or hated me, I still had this disorder, I still had to deal with my problems, I still had to choose ultimately whether I wanted to live or die. I also came to the conclusion over time, that even had my mother been different, the most loving, caring woman on earth – I would still have this eating disorder and still be unable to heal from it just for having her support.
This has been one of the scariest revelations over the years for me – that there is nothing outside of myself, that can change this. Take away every single reason, influence, everything – and I would still have this. This includes being scared of weight gain, wanting to lose weight, being scared of eating, feeling unloved and unsupported, hating myself, being scared to either live or die, dealing with my past, getting anything from the eating disorder at all – I would still have my eating disorder.
It truly has a life of its own, and I truly believe I was born with it lying dormant in me, just biding it’s time for the right conditions and triggers to be present. Take them all away and it’s still part of me that I’m going to have in me forever. I wish I could rip it out, but I can’t – I can only do my best to manage it, like a diabetic must manage their diabetes for life.
Don’t get me wrong - I do believe complete recovery from an eating disorder is possible. I’ve personally witnessed a number of friends achieve this. I just don’t think that it’s possible for everyone, and most likely not myself. There are things I just can’t undo – how can I unlearn how to purge at will, for example, which has been the biggest stumbling block to maintaining my weight for years – because even eating my meal plan, I have that outlet in which I can undo all that good work in just one split second’s weakness. And how can I oust the ED voice from my head, when it’s been there all my life? I can live with it, grow stronger than it, refute it, but I can’t see it not ever being there. Even more, I have a feeling that the C-PTSD and the haunting remnants of my past will never give me much peace either, and all that is very much tied up together.
Even lately, when I’m still maintaining my weight, I’ve started ballet, still working on getting a job (and still hopeful), am doing art classes, more social, more active than in all the more than a decade previously – I haven’t been coping. Every day is a battle – the social anxiety in particular is a huge problem. It often takes me several attempts to get to classes or appointments because I’ll start out, chicken out and come back home, only to turn around again and head out again. I just don’t understand the level of absolute FEAR that keeps popping up for simple everyday things.
The C-PTSD problems, especially the constant dissociating and the abundance of triggers for this everywhere I go, also haunt me big time. It frustrates me because I want to move on, I’ve left my past behind. I do get pangs about just ‘cutting off’ my entire family like I did – but I’m able to see that it was my only choice and that they only will ever keep hurting me if I keep giving them the chance too. So usually when I think of them, I shake my head and say “Pfffft”. And yet they still follow me everywhere like shadows that only I can see.
Life itself is overwhelming and most days, I’m just not coping with it at all. It is extremely tempting to go crawling back to the disorder because I know it will kill me if I relapse – and that would at least mean it was finally all over with. Because I am SO TIRED.
There still is that ever-present urge to keep living though. To keep fighting, and so I do. That belief that everything that happens is for a reason, and the knowledge that even though I still have so far to go, I’ve come further than I thought possible, and that I already have had people say they have been given hope or inspired by something I’ve written or done or said. That really is an important one for me – my priorities have changed so much over the years – from everything being about me being successful and the best I can be, to wanting to do the best that I can do with what I have. If I can just live a functional life, be happy and content, give Shalimar as happy a life as she could have, and most of all, leave this world in some way a better place for my having been here – that’s all I want now.
The only chance I have of achieving this comes with continuing to fight – but also in letting go. Letting go of past dreams, letting go of past hurts, letting go of people who I used to not be able to imagine living life without. It means grieving all that I’ve lost or will never have. And it means growing up.
I’ve come to realise that there is a part of having an eating disorder that is very childish. Someone once mentioned in a blog – (I cannot remember who, or I’d link you – if it was you, please let me know!) that to have an eating disorder is a bit like throwing a childish tantrum. I’m not happy with the world and with my life and with myself? Time to throw myself down on the floor and kick and scream and hold my breath till I turn blue. Or refuse to eat, throw it up, throw the dishes at those trying to make me eat, throw it in their faces. It’s still a tantrum, whether it’s someone or something else I’m rejecting or my very self.
But not only do I need to grow up and take responsibility for being alive, but I also needed to do a lot of growing up in order to leave my mum behind. True, she never mothered me – but in my imagination, she did. That, at least, was something I clung on to, and I had to give that up like finally parting with a security blanket or favourite teddy bear.
Most of all, I had to learn to start parenting myself. I don’t have much of a clue how to do this, but I’ve started with being kinder to myself, practising self acceptance, and being firm with myself, too. I’ve read a lot of information online to educate myself as to why my mother is the way she is and why, particularly sites like Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers, which have made me realise how far I am from being alone. I guess it’s a start – the main thing is that I’m not even relying on the fantasy of having a mother to soothe myself any more. Neither am I letting my absent ‘mother’ torment me as she did for all that time. I don’t have a mother. I never really did.
I know that whether a family is supportive or unsupportive varies widely among all of us. Eating disorders are not caused by parents/family. They might contribute in some, sure. But they don’t cause it. And for all of us, in the end it comes down to us alone against the eating disorder – only we can fight our own battle. But support and being loved do make a difference, as does feeling alone, feeling unloved, unsupported, and being constantly in battle with our family.
How has your family relationship affected you in terms of your eating disorder? Have you ever had to cut someone close to you off completely? How did you get through this?
A huge thank you to everyone for yet again reading through such a long winded post, and for all your comments – your contributions are always so thought-provoking to read!
I couldnt agree more with you about the ed being our own responsibility. True, there are many contributing factors that are different for everyone, i often think there are as many eating disorders as there are eating disordered people…
I always got tired of others looking at our family and thinking ‘what’s wrong with the parents?’ It made me so so sad because, unlike you darling Fi, I had the best and most supportive parents anybody could hope for and still do. Like you Fi, I feel that the eating disorder was almost inevitable because it was there from MY beginning too. I could feel that i was closed off from others in some way as far back as i can remember. I cannot remember a time where i felt like i was okay. I think the things that happened to me, were simply triggers. And like your situation, there are many people who have been through similar experiences or worse who didn’t end up with an eating disorder or similar problems. Because its such an individual thing. It’s the way we were born, with our environmental triggers, and how we coped at the time, and how that poor coping led to our eating disorders, which then took on a life of their own….or so it seems to me. Like you, I also believe that we can recover from them, to some degree anyway. We can’t undo what happened to us, but we can change how we react now that we know better, and yes, we can stop tantrumming!
And when i read about how you never had your mother’s love…that just breaks my heart and tears me up, because, knowing myself what you missed in that direction, I can’t even begin to understand how you DID survive, because I certainly could not have. I take my hat off to you for your strength. You are strong and powerful.
There is always so so much i want to say when i read your blogs, but i can’t find the words. I managed to squeeze these ones out of my nbut i will have to re-read the post again to remember all the other things that came up as i read it… Most of all though, thank you for your wonderful blog and your heartfelt writing. It is a joy to read always.
I love you darling. Goodnight for now. xoxooxoxoxoxox
Sweet Ange, thank you so much for this. It means so much to me that you wrote all of this. From knowing you now I’m so sad that despite the most loving parents, you still fell prey to this disorder. You are proof that parents don’t cause them, they are triggered by things in our lives, and those triggers can be anything at all. I also don’t believe that it’s only troubled people that develop them and you are proof of that too. You are bright, funny, brilliant, talented, despite your ED you have achieved SO MUCH – more than a lot of people who are completely well – logic would say you shouldn’t get ED. And that’s also proof of how illogical EDs are.
It’s a fundamental part of our growing up to be nurtured by our mothers. Miss those fundamental years and there is forever something missing. So I guess I will always have that hollow there, but I’m an adult now and we create our own lives now.
Everything you have said has been wonderful, please don’t fret about not feeling you have ‘enough’ to say. You have just the perfect amount to say – what comes to mind at the time. I don’t mind if you don’t comment at all – because I know you read them and that means everything to me
Love you dearly little sis xoxox
hello my dearest lovely. i am so, so sad to read this because everyone deserves to have family who love them. but sometimes, not everyone does. it amazes me every time i hear more of your story just how you’ve been so strong and kept going for so long even when you must’ve felt that it would be so much easier to Give. Up. My family issues in no way compare to yours in terms of seriousness but I have felt abandoned by my family, particularly in relation to my illness. They like to ignore it and pretend it’s not happening in case somehow it badly on them. Sometimes I just wish they’d be supportive. But I’ve accepted they won’t be…and that, in the end, I’m the only one who can fight the disorder anyway. I know you have a long road ahead but I do believe you can recover and be happy, healthy and productive. And, I am here for you. I know it’s not the same…but know that I am. Always. xo.
Hello lovely Tash, I’ve been thinking of you, knowing that your big move is coming closer and that you have been having a hard time. I wish I was closer in QLD to your new town! I remember you posting about your parents at a lunch once and how excruciating that was. I don’t think abusiveness or neglect needs to be violently played out or obvious to be crippling. Your parent’s treatment of you sounded pretty crippling to me in a deadly silent way. Noone should have to fight this alone, and you have Bipolar ON TOP of this, which is a LOT to deal with. None of it’s your fault and it’s sad that you don’t have more support from them. But yes you are right, only we can do it in the end. I believe in you, too, and I hope I can be there for you more than I have been. Anytime you need, you have my email and fb message inbox
xxxx
Dear Fiona, never ever give up the fight, you have come a long way. As a mother of a daughter who was in hospital last Christmas with low patassim and been told we could of lost her, there is no way that my husband or I would of left her there on her own. As it was over Chritamas and Christmas day was to be at our place it had to be cancelled. My sister in law called and spoke to my 16 year old daughter and said that her sister had done this to herself and spoilt Christmas for everyone. My daughtet was very hurt with what she said and so was I. To this day I only see her if I have to as she will never understand. We get comments from family or friends that she did it for attention. I try as best as I can to explain to try to make them understand. My daughter came to me last night gave me a hug and said “thanks mum for helping me”. As you are recovering you do not need negative people around even if they are family. Take care. Paula
Dear Paula, thank you so much for your lovely comment and for your support. I’m so sorry that your daughter was so sick at Christmas and it must have been very frightening for you. I’m so sorry your sister in law responded that way! There is no way that your daughter did that on purpose. No way. It’s an illness just like any other, and your daughter deserves to have that understood and not be the target of ignorant comments and blame! I’m really sorry that you get these comments from other family and friends too. You all need support, not this. I’m glad you try so hard to foster understanding and your daughter is truly lucky to have you. This is one of the things I hope to do, with my blog, and hopefully when I’m well enough, in my life – I want people to not only be aware of eating disorders but to understand them as well as they understand other illnesses. I also want to do something to help people not suffer so much with the eating disorder itself. And to try and lessen stigma around mental illnesses as a whole. We still have a long way to go.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me, especially with what you are going through yourself. My thoughts are always with you xx
This is so incredibly indepth and complex: sad and tormenting. I am SO sad when i see what ED’s do … and yet how they serve as armor against UNIMAGINEABLE fear: terror … abuse. I am starting to see the relevance of people stating their case for bulimia and ED’s being the “frenemy”. There are struggles that are so tormenting and hurtful that i fear we would all be screaming at the top of our lungs and plunging knives into our chests from the pain. The ED at least gives us an obsession to keep us from harming ourselves in a more mortal way.
I know this sounds drastic … but truthfully, i think i was so filled with hate and terror, i would have killed myself long ago if i didn’t have the ED to cocoon me from all the hate and fear in my life.
God speed my dear, sweet sis! I know it’s been hard lately. We will persevere!
XOXOXO love melis
Dear Melis, you totally get it. I’m sad that you get it because of what you have lived yourself, but it is also a relief to know someone out there knows and understands. You are right, the ED has a purpose, and I wouldn’t be alive without it, probably you wouldn’t either. And that’s part of why they are so hard to oust. They outgrow their welcome though.
I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself. I know the feeling. I have loathed myself for as long as I remember, growing in intensity as the years went by. What else does one do when everyone around her as a child hates her? How can you find the un-hateable about yourself then? But there is more about us that’s loveable than not – and I’m glad you have stuck around to find that out. Kids don’t have a choice in how they are treated or what they can do about it. And that’s why kids who are abused and hurt are hurt so badly and it lasts for so long. I am tormented by it, I won’t deny that. Who wouldn’t be? We are human beings, not machines. (I did get a comment from the Witch in my spam so you might understand this last bit better).
It’s interesting you mentioned plunging knives. The pain I felt was so intense it WAS like someone stabbed me. Stabbed me by betrayal, by sheer cruelty, etc. I don’t think I feel as intensely any more as I did then, or maybe it’s just that I’m so used to all that stuff that things don’t shock me as they did. But remembering just how much things hurt back then.. wow. I am surprised to be alive. I’m glad YOU are alive, and everyone else here.
Love love love special sis xoxoxoxo
Hugs lovely, you don’t know how much you help me sometimes honestly. I’m just sorry you had to go through all this.
I understand so much of your post, and although difficult, it just shows, you being the person you are, despite all of this, and being so strong and doing what you had to do, really, you are an amazing person.
I agree with some of the other comments, and they’ve covered it better than I can.
I do think that ED, is like a life jacket when you’re drowning, only, it isn’t very good. Kind of like when a ship wrecks, and you just grab anything to keep afloat. That’s what an ED is, yes it’s our own responsibility and I am very aware of that, but at the time, it was all we had to keep our heads above water.
Not everyone’s the same, but for me, I agree with Melis, if it wasn’t for my ED I would have drowned.
Love xxxx
I’m so glad that I help you in some way, so glad. That’s all I want to do. I know what it’s like to go through really bad stuff, and that’s why I want to reach out to others. It breaks my heart knowing you understand this, and just from reading what you have written about your mother – I’m not at all surprised.
No, it’s a pretty terrible life jacket isn’t it!! And yes, at the time, it was all we had. We did the best with what we had at the time. Remember that – you did your best.
Thank you for being so lovely and supportive. I know with all my heart you will make it through this and out the other side and I’m so glad and lucky to be able to follow you on your journey xxx
I always (for some reason) read your new posts at night, on my phone. I say this because these are not the right conditions to be responding to your posts. I will be back tomorrow, in the light of day, with a proper key board at my disposal. This post is too big and important to be responded to lying in bed on the phone, but I wanted to come here so you knew I’d read it. If that makes sense (and doesn’t sound to egotistical).
I always read posts when I can’t respond too! It is really special to think that you care so much about commenting that you want to come back and comment properly – thank you
And yes, it makes sense, and no, not at all egotistical xxx
I was bed-ridden with a migraine all day yesterday, I finally felt better/woke up at 1am this morning. Still feeling a bit sketchy I stayed in bed reading emails. I read your post and of course it needed a response, but I was in no position to reply, 1) because it was late, and 2) because I was on my mobile. I am always reading your posts on my mobile and it is a pretty lousy way to type anything. Especially on mine, I smashed the screen accidentally in February…
Anyway, all that’s to say that I was very moved by the honesty of this post. I thought it was incredibly that your mother wouldn’t come to hospital. I mean incredible. I was gobsmacked, totally hate that term BTW, but really it describes so well what I felt reading that. Some nurses are just incredible in their empathy and I am so glad someone stayed with you. People do care, some people – even parents, just don’t. It’s not you, it’s them. I can really relate to wanting to keep trying with her, it’s a natural reaction. I have gone through the same thing (not the same circumstances obviously, but same issues of my mother just being a pretty vile person) with my mother. You want to keep trying, and you do, but it just takes so much out of you. It becomes ultimately the worst thing for you. You walk away from each interaction, drained, upset, depressed, angry and every other negative emotion. You said it yourself, you have to let go. I have. I haven’t spoken or seen my mother in almost 10 years. And truthfully it is for the best. But it is a struggle, I have gone through a period recently of having very horrible dreams where I just scream at her. Like unintelligible screaming. Those sleeps were always very unrestful. During that period I got very tightly wound whenever people mentioned their parents, I was jealous. Really jealous, it sucked that I didn’t have that.
I’m so glad to hear you have some good friends as your emergency contacts. Some of us need to make our own family, and that sucks and their is some mourning involved for what could have been. But you don’t want to keep setting yourself up for failure. The only person you owe anything too is yourself and Shalimar. I hate to think that you still purge, I mean I know you do, but I hate it. I want you to stop, obviously, but I realise it will take a lot more than me asking you to do. But I actually think you will one day. Honestly, I do see you making it to a place where you are happy by default and are surrounded by awesome people, are working, writing, dancing and just doing whatever.
Without getting to soppy, I really feel like we have a good connection. Even if only online, and I do care immensely about your well-being. That’s why I wanted to come back to say what I had to say, rather than scratch something out on my phone in the dark.
Lots of love and hugs to you and Shalimar…
And yes, I believe hugs should be given freely and willingly xoxo
Dear Kathryn, I hope you are feeling better tonight – migraines are hellish.
I truly appreciated that you took so much care in answering my posts. It means so much that you read it and understand and care, and that you get how huge this all was in my life.
I’m really sad that you have the same sort of problems with your own mother. It’s so hard to do no contact even when you know they will never change and only hurt you. somehow we are wired to ‘need to connect’ with the people who were our un-chosen ‘family’ despite the hurts. I feel like such a traitor. We were brainwashed into how to answer every single question to keep our family secrets safe – and I was loyal despite it all. And now, I’ve turned my back on them AND I’m not keeping the secrets. That’s because I’ve fled to the side of truth – secrets aren’t always bad, but in this context, they are never good.
I wasn’t surprised by my mother not coming in, I was used to the abandonment, it was more that I was gutted. Hoping that she might at least be there in this moment out of all of my life. And yet I already knew deep down, she wouldn’t. We keep secrets from ourselves too.
I hope so much you have a family you are choosing now. I do feel a connection with you. your writing often touches me deeply especially on your recent blog.
I’m really sorry that my purging still worries you. I’m getting there. I think this is a slow process for me, cutting them down one at a time, because every time I try to just completely cut them out I fall in a big messy heap. Slowly adding things to my life that are positive and enjoyable is a great thing here – they are ready to take the place of the ED. I really hope I do recover, thank you for believing in me. I know deep down EVERYONE can, it’s just how much courage and inner strength we are prepared to put into it I think. How much we can be honest with ourselves most of all. How much we are prepared to tolerate the pain and never run away from it in any way again.. and so much more. Considering that the reward is LIFE, it’s worth doing. And I’m going to try my best.
I wish I could give you a real hug tonight – thank you for writing this to me. And I hope that peace and freedom from your past happens for you, too. Buckwheatsrisk said that maybe dreaming of these things, from our pasts – indicates we are now ready to work on them? Maybe you are ready to work on these things now. Ready to speak out and scream out rather than keep it all inside? *hugs*
how i understand holding onto the hope that they would change, especially when they would go through their honeymoon phase and “become” the parents i’ve always wanted…i have had to let that go for my sanity and it has actually been freeing for me!
I’m so glad you have been freed by letting go! It’s been rather freeing for me too in some ways, it’s not all bad. It is hard when they are able to ‘pretend’ to be lovely for a bit here and there isn’t it? You start to doubt yourself. Doubt they were all ‘that bad’ and let your guard down. But we have to hang on to the reality and we can’t afford to let them keep hurting us as they did. *hugs* lovely, thinking of you xxxx
exactly xo
Oh Fiona, i cannot imagine how your relationship with your mother has affected you. I can’t offer anything that will help i’m afraid, but i can tell you that your mother doesn’t deserve you. And that you have so much support via your blog, especially from this reader
You have fought so hard to get where you are today, you don’t need anyone holding you back. I wish you could have a fortnight of no ED thoughts, so that you could get some of your energy back necessary for fighting. Although you may be tired, i don’t think you’ll let yourself fall considerably back down the rabbit hole, as you said you’ve come SO far. Plus, i won’t let you
Keep going, you’re so much stronger than you think you are xxxx
Hi
You help me more than you know, believe me. You have reached out with support, kindness and friendship and you have also made me smile and reminded me there are plenty of good people out there!
I’m so lucky because I do have such amazing support and I have friends now like you, who truly care. Often I think that it was worth going through it all for that, and also because you never take anything for granted again. I wouldn’t see how blessed I am if I didn’t know what it was like to not have any of this.
I hope both of us can have a fortnight at least free of ED thoughts, and I hope it’s not long coming. It’s not much to ask hey? *hugs* lots of love xxx
Fi, you have made a difference in the lives of so many people…you do so every day with the words you write…just knowing that you have had the inner strength and determination and absolutely incredible fortitude to get up and keep going and fighting on despite all, is enough to give a HUGE burst of inspiration and positivity to every person who reads your posts or meets you or hears of you!!
You are a frigging hero, in my eyes and heart. Always. Jen.xxxxoooo
Jenn, YOU are a hero to ME, and to everyone I know who knows us both!!! I’m so lucky to know you. Thank you for being so supportive and inspiring to me and to many of us. I know it’s been extremely hard for you too, and here you are, still fighting, still smiling, despite it all – that’s courage. Love you so much xoxoxoxox
I know you’ve finally accepted that your mother was never there for you, but my heart aches and breaks for you….during not only those ‘young’ years but later when you were battling for your very life and she was so unfeeling and unconcerned about your well being. You may feel like you still have a ways to go..but you have come so far and while you struggle ‘going out’ to the things that you so enjoy doing..you are doing them. God has surely had his hand upon your life, while at times you must have wondered because of your circumstances …May He continue to bless you, and my you continue to be encouraged by all you have accomplished…Diane.
Diane, you have been one of the wisest and most supportive people on here – thank you. God definitely had a hand in connecting us! I did, many times wonder why God had forsaken me. I never doubted that He (or ‘something/someone’ as I called Him in my more doubtful times) was out there, I cannot doubt that which I feel strongly in all of me. But I wondered why He was looking away, was He so very ashamed of me, angry at me? Perhaps I had done something absolutely horrific that I couldn’t remember or had done in a past life, if they existed, and this was my punishment. Maybe I really was bad.
as you always do. Thank you so much for being so supportive and kind, and I’m so so so glad He’s blessed you – and me by knowing you 
xxx
Now I do see He was with me all along, He never was not by my side, He never gave up on me. I couldn’t see Him because I wasn’t looking. I shut Him out too when I shut out everyone else. And I shut Him out totally when I became so unable to bear myself. I think that when we absolutely HATE ourselves, we cannot really have a relationship with God, because it’s like looking in a mirror and when we cannot bear to look at ourselves, how can we see Him? A relationship with Him is pure in it’s honesty and to look away and shut ourselves out is not being honest with ourselves or with Him. He accepts us as we are, whether we are flawed or not (and we are) and to not accept someone that He so readily does – that’s also going against Him – even saying that His decision of who to accept isn’t worthy! Also, I think it is a good reminder that all of us have His spirit within us. Cut off ourselves, we have cut Him off that way too.
Sorry about the ramble – you inspired me
You truly have wisdom yourself dear in so many ways..Diane
Every time I read your posts I can’t get off the picture of you siting in your back yard and staring up at the sky; your mutt Whiskas leaning on you and your notion that “He gets it.” As if I’m him. As if I lean on you or hold your hand in that silence. Because I get it, Fi.
My family situation is completely different. Always loved and cherished and praised, I forever refused to let any therapist to even dare to blame any of those people for my ED. I know I have been wrong because I isolated myself from them to live with my horrors all by myself. I was ashamed (I’m still) of my eating disorder. I failed in life because of it and I did not want to let them know how much and how painfully. And this have disappointed them even more… my dad still feels sad because I distanced myself from them. I’m working on rebuilding this bond, but it’s hard. I feel exactly the same in the social situations “I’ll start out, chicken out and come back home, only to turn around again and head out again.” I do this too, or delay meetings and withdraw myself from gatherings with no particular reason.
I get it, sweetie.
I hope to overcome it. At least a bit of it.
Dearest Greta, this comment really, really, really touches me – thank you. Thank you for getting it. Thank you for caring so much. Thank you for your compassion.
I’m so glad you have loving parents. So sad that you felt so ashamed of yourself for something you didn’t even ask to have in the first place (I know you have said that your ED is at least in part about being slim and fashionable, but still, nobody who sets out to lose weight and look good asks for this hell, nobody.) I’m so sad that you were so alone and isolated with it all. That’s what ED does – it isolates us. All the better to eat us right up with it’s lies and prevent us from hearing the truth from well meaning others.
I am sure you will overcome it. What you are doing is so very hard. It’s impossible to undo what’s happened, but it’s totally possible to rebuild those bonds – it sounds like they were strong to begin with especially because of how fiercely loyal you were to them and how much you wanted to protect them at your own expense.
You are reaching out more and more just by blogging and being a part of this community. Sharing with others, learning, even teaching us what you have learnt which is a lot more than I think you realise. I’ve learnt a lot from you myself. Also you make me smile, and you are so kind and gentle that it’s just an absolute delight to be your friend and blogworld sister!
You sound like a much wiser and more ‘grounded’ Greta than you were when all this started, and I think you are definitely on the right path now.
Love xxxx
I cannot express how much I respect you and how strong you are.
You don’t think you are sometimes, but you are.
I have always had loving parents. A supportive family. Supportive friends. I have never once in my entire life been alone. Even now, I live alone, but I am never alone. The love of everyone I have in my life surrounds me every day and fills my little apartment with so much joy.
To press on after so much loneliness…to say to yourself “I can love myself, and that is worth staying in this world for.” To be so strong and have so much perseverance. I do have strength. I have perseverance. But I have also always had love. I do not know what it is like to not have love. And I tip my hat to you for having far more strength than anyone else I know to get through something like this and come out the other side a better person. I hope to never experience what you have, but I also know because of that lack of experience I will NEVER be as amazing a person as you.
It did all happen for a reason. You are one of the strongest people I know. And you inspire me.
Hi Miss Pistacio, I have always found YOU such a strong and inspiring person reading your blog, so for you to say this to me is really really lovely – thank you.
It is hard to go through stuff like this, but I think it’s also a blessing in disguise, because none of the good things in my life would have happened to me if the bad things hadn’t.
I just hope that in the end, we find out the whys of why stuff happened as it did. I think it would drive me nuts otherwise! xx
What an amazingly difficult thing to comes to terms with. It takes unbelievable strength to accept someone’s shortcomings and move beyond it. This was a really powerful example of your ability to chose life, to rise above, and to understand your reality instead of deny it.
Thank you – this means a lot to me xx
Oh Fi, this must hurt so much.
It’s even painful for me to read it. I love what Greta wrote above. She’s so kind.
I’ve had a very difficult relationship with my dad for the first 20 years of my life. My dad has always loved me, but he never got me and wanted me to be a different person. Active, social, happy, athletic, outgoing. Instead I was dreamy, introvert, lalala. You get the picture. My dad has this way that what doesn’t fit into his mindset doesn’t exist for him, so I grew up feeling nonexistent. My thoughts and feelings just weren’t there because he never acknowledged them. For example, when he didn’t see any purpose (and he most often didn’t), then I wasn’t to be sad or angry or hurt or frustrated. I just was to behave properly. But I have a lot of feelings (I’m extremely highly sensitive, so I’m actually always flooded with emotions), and I have a constant sadness going on. So most of this wasn’t allowed to be there. It’s strange how you aren’t able to establish a sense of reality when it’s not validated by other people, especially your significant others (I have to make a post about this), and this lead me to live without having any feeling for myself, or self-esteem or idea of self-identity. I think my self-worth issues root back to that. I’ve dealt with a very low self-esteem for most of my life, and probably this is also why I let other people abuse me.
I’m really sad that your dad was so detached from you and didn’t accept YOU for who YOU were. It’s soul destroying because we can’t be anyone other than ourselves. And that sort of treatment sends a message to us, especially when you were so young – that there is something ‘wrong’ with us – and there wasn’t. Your dreamy lalala has translated into gifts, precious gifts and talents. you have shared so much that’s amazing and beautiful. Your music, your ability to write beautifully and touch the hearts of your readers, your intelligence and your empathy and compassion and understanding of others.
It’s very hard to be good to ourselves when we don’t love ourselves.
I hope you do write a post about this, Kath, it would be very valuable to read. I hope so much that you are now surrounded by people who love you because you are who YOU are – as you deserve to be.
and I totally get the emotions bit, that put me apart from my family too, I am also a highly sensitive person constantly flooded with emotions so while they could live their lives cold as stone, I would be totally unable to not be constantly shattered. I get the sadness too. *HUGS* xxx
Thank you, Fi. Your words mean a lot to me. And happily yes, after 25 years, I’ve finally found people who love me the way I am. My mom always has fortunately, and I know without her support I wouldn’t be here anymore, but she’s also suffered a lot when I was so unwell (I’m her weak spot), and she battled breast cancer when my ED was the worst. I know I can trust her and at the same I feel I can’t tell her everything because I somewhat need to protect her and keep it away from her. So I deal with many things on my own. I’m used to not speaking what really concerns me. This is gradually changing, due to my wonderful friends and probably even more due to this wonderful blog community where I’ve met a few really precious people who I feel can relate.
You are truly precious, Kath. *hugs*
You too
Hy…
First thoughts, I wish to send you many congrats and hugs, because you are a survivor, you got out from your N family and mother God..
I stumbled to your blog, when I was searching a post about being a creep magnet, and found your post..and it made me feel better. It wasn`t even necessary for you to say it, but when I saw the title of the post “I knew my mother didn`t love me..” I smiled sadly inside myself..another child of a Narcisist.
I knew that in fact when I came to your blog..there is a certain familiarity we all children of Ns have to abuse and creeps, because as you said in an older post when you got out from your toxic family, they drain us so much, that there is so little left for ourselfs, to grow as healthy individuals.
I am struggling in this moment to get out, to have a roof on my head, and to kill the voices of my abusers (N mother) still tries to this day and manipulates everyone, not that there would be much to be manipulated because many of them are Narcisists themselfs..imagine that
With a background like that, there is no wonder why I am being targeted by creeps, because they sense I`m broken inside. But fortunately, I am working to that right now. I wish to start doind therapy, get a job, get healthy you know, even if I have nobody right now to support me and tell me nice things to encourage me. They never did anyway.
It is possible, I know it. I wish you best of luck and strength to go on. We may be alone but we are not broken. And even if we ARE broken, we are NOT beaten yet, we are damn survivors!
I will end this with a quote I heard somewhere, that I believe it fits anyone who has been through abuse and a lot of sh*t. “Black stars don`t shine often, but when they do, they can shine even brighten, better and stronger than the rest of the stars..”
Blessings and love from another survivor!
x
Dear Kat,
Welcome to my blog, thank you so much for reading. I read your comment through my email earlier today – and it brought me to tears. (It’s okay, it’s good). For all that you have been through, and that you too, understand this all so deeply – too deeply. My heart goes out to you.
You are right – there is something in all of us that we recognise – we know another survivor when we meet them. Something does tie us together. Maybe it’s that strength that’s brought us this far alive through something that people don’t think could be survivable – and looking back, we often don’t understand how we survived either.
I’m really sorry that you are struggling right now – that you still have so far to go to just have your freedom from your abusers. It’s a long hard road to go. It’s worth it and more importantly YOU are worth it.
It’s taken me a long, long time to break free. Not just from my mother but my other family members too. You doubt yourself, you keep going back and forth with “come on, they weren’t that bad, surely?”. But they were. Every time you try, and boy did I try, you get another reminder that they ARE bad, and they DO only want to hurt you, and you get hurt that little bit more. We don’t have an endless supply of what they take from us every time they hurt us. We have to protect ourselves in order to survive and have a chance to thrive.
Never give up, no matter how down you might feel. You CAN get free.
No contact is the best way to do it and that means FOREVER. Because it’s the only way to ever be free from them, to ever have peace, to ever have a chance to heal. They will never change.
I’m so glad to hear you are in therapy and doing so much to help yourself heal. You are on the right track. You definitely need more support. There is a really helpful facebook group I’m a member of, you don’t have to purchase the programs (the constant program spiel does get a bit tiring, but the people there are well worth being there for. They understand and they keep the group safe too, something most other groups on facebook don’t seem to do.)
I totally get being targeted by other creeps – totally. First thing that happened when I left home. Every relationship I’ve had (few, since they’ve put me off relationships) has been another creep. Now I’m learning – but why do we have to learn so late hey? I think we learn to spot them, to listen to our guts, to be more accurate. Knowledge is power.
You might find the site above in the post – daughters of narcissistic mothers to be helpful. I know I had a lot of ‘aha’ moments. Also, have you read “The Sociopath Next Door” By Martha Stout and “The Psychopath Test” by Jon Ronson. (This one is a more informative site than the amazon ones). The first glimpse of the fact that there were people out there like my family and why they were that way was through a book by M Scott Peck, “People Of The Lie”. It amazed me, shocked me… and I totally realised I KNEW people just like those people, even though he was before his time and didn’t have labels like narcissists or sociopaths, just ‘human evil’.
Thank you so much for reaching out to me on here and having the courage to write about your own struggle here. I hope so much you do get the freedom, the healing, the peace, and the ability to truly LIVE, that you deserve. If you ever want to talk, drop me a comment and I’ll email you
Hang in there – and that is an amazing quote, I have rarely thought or read about ‘black stars’ and you are right, they do shine the brightest of all – and yet, they are most of the time something we don’t even notice. Like us – quiet, in the background (another thing we learn to stay safe) and yet there is SO MUCH in us that’s amazing and worthy once we get our chance to let ourselves shine too xxxx
ETA – some of the links were broken, so this should work now xx
Dear Fi,
I couldn’t process everything you wrote…it hurt so much. Your story connected to the mother wounds of my own that I don’t yet understand. I feel a heaviness that I just can’t yet sort out or feel the pains around my parents. But I’m grateful for your honesty.
Every thing every one else has written in comments on this post sound like what i want to say to you too.
You wrote in reply to one:
“I’m really sorry that my purging still worries you. I’m getting there. I think this is a slow process for me, cutting them down one at a time, because every time I try to just completely cut them out I fall in a big messy heap. Slowly adding things to my life that are positive and enjoyable is a great thing here – they are ready to take the place of the ED.”
I could have said this to others who have been worried about my purging. I can’t try anymore to just stop b/p-ing. Every time I try to do this by myself I fail miserably and often get worse for a while. So my approach of cutting back is much better for me right now. But I know that is not enough to really quit. It’s so easy to just focus on the damn behavior and get all twisted up about how bad that is. But the other aspects of the disease are also awful for me…..though less tangilble.
In theory I believe that other people should say what they really feel…if they feel worried about my bulimia. I know they care and are also scared for me, but when people share that with me, I feel terrified and ashamed and worried. I have no idea what to tell them. It seems to magnify my own frustration and hopelessness.
I’m sorry that may not be helpful to you for me to write about here. i guess I just really really appreciate your honesty about not being free of the purging YET. I feel less alone. Though I wish for us both to get beyond that behavior and to the healing deeply as well.
Dear Gel,
I’m sorry that you have so much pain about your own mother problems – so sorry. I know that when the time is right, you will be able to talk about them more. In the meantime I’m sending so many hugs your way. We know when we are ready and it’s okay to take your time – listen to what you are ready for. I wasn’t ready, myself, for years. If I had tried any more than I did back then, I might be even more damaged now instead of finally on my way.
Thank you for understanding what I’m going through with the purging – although I’m so sorry it’s because you are in a similar place. I have had people who have made it clear to me that if I haven’t cut it out completely, immediately – then I’m not getting anywhere and am fooling myself about how much I’m working and making progress. Not surprisingly they are people who haven’t battled with purging themselves for the most part. It’s really hard isn’t it? People can be impatient, especially when they are worried. But something I have learnt from my years this way and I imagine most of us have – is that often being pushed just makes it harder again. We truly need to feel acceptance from those who love us to walk the journey with us, rather than pushing, supporting – accepting. Only to intervene if it does become life threatening. Not to burden us with more shame, more self-loathing, more regret and guilt than we are already carrying (which is more than a human being should ever have to carry already.)
Please don’t worry about what you have written – it IS helpful. Thank you for appreciating my honesty and sharing with your own honesty. I have found over the years that all I can do is be open about where I am at. I don’t have the strength to try and ‘protect’ others any more – and boy did I try to – even harder, I found that when I did, they simply found ways to seek the truth themselves (suspecting I was holding back) but instead of the truth, they came by the vastly exaggerated, extremely worrying story from someone I thought was a friend. (a story for another time, yet another of these toxic people I seem to attract). So telling the truth, worrying as it might be, would have prevented them from worrying so much more when they didn’t need to – I ended up hurting them more.
I also know now, that the people who are helping me are on my side. They aren’t the enemy. Therefore, being honest with them, helps them to help me. And there is a key to our continued progress – being prepared to face our truths and help ourselves is one of the first and most important steps of all.
Thank you so much for all you have shared with me and others in this community *hugs* keep on fighting – you will get there, so will I. xx
Your posting was for me =o) Thats what i think when I see something that is exactly what I am experiencing anyways lol
I am working through an anxiety disorder. And I’ve just really been realizing that a big part of me has been waiting for my mom. If she could just learn to accept me, to love me, then maybe I could stop punishing myself with this anxiety. Maybe if she could just say “good job I am so glad that you are happy” I could let this anxiety go. My anxiety stems from a constant need to punish myself, a constant feeling that something is “wrong” a feeling of being unsafe and if she could just love me and make me feel safe then I would be ok. Of course this is not reality. I am really working on separating my mother and my relationship with my disorder. To find a way to let myself be happy even without resolving things with my mother.
My mom called me a few days ago and started telling me how angry I sound on facebook. How I was never abused and why do i keep posting all this crap about womens rights and animal rights ect. I said “i know i was never abused. that is not the point. I am passionate about women’s rights.” then she went on to tell me that my relationship was fake because it is with a woman and our marriage would be a fake pretend marriage and that she and “everyone” was laughing at me. Then she told me that everything I believe in and stand for is a bunch of “fuck”. My mother talked to me that way. she has before, on the phone, where no one else can hear the evil things that she says. Then the phone call was lost. but for the first time I didn’t stay silent and say “well mom I’m sorry you feel that way.” i called her back, I got angry and I said “no one has the right to talk to me this way! I don’t call you and tell you I think you are the most shallow self-absorbed narcassistic person I have ever met!” And she hung up. because apparently she doesn’t have to listen to that from me even though i have to hear her nasty remarks. I have always had trouble dealing with anger, probably because my mom was angry so much of the time and I didn’t want to sound like her. Also i felt if i got angry at her, truly angry how could I love her? if i really acknowledged all the mean things she has done to me over the years and felt that pain I would lose my mother…and I desperately wanted her in my life.. But this …whatever this is is not a relationship that is healthy…
She may not want to get help, but I can’t let people treat me that way no matter who they are. It was my birthday thursday, and my girlfriend’s mom sent me the most beautiful card and it made me cry because oh how i wish that card was from my mom. I’m moving on now. Letting go of what I want for us… Just letting go. So I understand and deeply feel for you. I am realizing that my mother truly doesn’t know who i am…and what she does know she really doesn’t like. There are many reasons for this, but non that really matter. But I will always grieve for the loss…..I think it is part of why I can’t wait to be a mother myself…
Thank you for your words…
Hello
I’m really glad you stumbled on my blog and that this helped you.
I’m so, so happy that you have your girlfriend and her mum, it sounds like they are GOOD people for you, and they love and accept you. Nothing less than you deserve! Your mum sounds so toxic, I’m sorry. Really toxic. I was shaking my head reading about the phone calls because that’s what my mum was like, told me what a loser I am, why it was my fault for everything wrong in the entire world, etc etc etc. But if I ever got angry at her, she didn’t want to hear it, because she was perfect, of course. I stopped taking her calls. At the beginning I tried saying to her, I don’t want to talk to you until we can be civil, or please write me letters (I’m profoundly deaf and she knows I struggle on the phone) but she couldn’t do that. (funny thing is that my own family have been the least supportive of me being deaf even while my mother spend so much time and effort ensuring I spoke perfectly. I’ve been strapped as a child for not hearing them – as though I should hear on demand because it’s mum talking!)
I’m really heartbroken for you reading how awful your mother is about your partner and your marriage, your passions – in fact everything that is important to you. She’s basically treating you like trash to be crumpled up and thrown away. It’s so sad that you hoped she would learn to accept you – because acceptance is so, so basic, especially of your own daughter.
She will never change – they never do. But you can get out – and I hope that you do. It sounds like you definitely have turned a corner with your resolution to let go. It will be hard – I still have pangs all the time, doubt myself, feel so alone (even though they never were family in terms of love, acceptance, support – they were my family after all).
I truly, now, think that no contact is the only way people like us have a chance of healing or ever finding peace. Because our mothers don’t have the ability to be in our lives without hurting us. I don’t think they know how to not hurt us to be honest.
Is it possible that your girlfriend’s mother might be open to being more of a mother figure to you, too? It sounds like she might be definitely understanding of the situation, or open to understanding. Even though ultimately I had to let go of ever having a ‘mother’ and try to mother myself, I got through these years because I’ve been lucky enough to have several good friends who are older and have simply slipped into parental/friend roles with me – and that has been very comforting for me.
Also I really think you should check out Buckwheatsrisk’s blog if you haven’t already – so many things there that both of us know far too well personally.
Hang in there – you deserve acceptance, support, to be loved, and your freedom and peace. I believe you will make it xxx
Fi,
I won’t expend one ounce of brainpower on that person that gave birth to you…and that’s all she was, not a mother. That’s it for her.
You..on the other hand, I would give my last breath to. I do not read you because I have an ED, I don’t. I read you for several reasons…your heart, your mind, your compassion, your always honest and authentic writing, and for the very reason I believe YOU ARE HERE…your amazing capacity for moral support, practical advice, and uplifting spirit. I find the idea of there being a reason for all the suffering horrifying truth be told, but if there ever were one, you being who you are for these wonderful people AND for yourself would be it.
xo
R
Rhonda, thank you so much. Just thank you. Everything you wrote – you have bumped up my self esteem so much reading this. I’m glad that even though I talk mostly about the ED and my past, people without the ED can still relate to me – because I get scared that it’s all I have left. It robs you of so much. My mother robbed me of my life, really – she produced a broken, shattered human being who had nothing left to live for. I’ve been so very lucky to have met so wonderful people who have helped me start again and start rebuilding it.
you are a pretty awesome person yourself, you know xxx
Thank you for saying I have those things – can support people and reach out to them. People are why I’m here, why I’ve survived. They have reached out to me with love and empathy and most of all acceptance. That has been the most healing thing for me.
Sorry for this ramble. I’m just so blown away by you saying such lovely things. And you give me hope saying these – because it’s my wish now to help people some day, for that to be my life’s work. I know it’s hard to see a reason for this sometimes. but that would be enough for me – it’s meant I’ve met all the amazing people I have, and it’s given me the gift of empathy and compassion and understanding I couldn’t otherwise have. Thank you and *hugs*
Fi,
They say that God does not give us more than we can bear. Honestly, I think he needs to spread it around a bit more fairly…some seem to have MORE than their share. But that said, He has laid his hands on your head because He knows what you are capable of. I not only see you succeeding in your own journey…but continuing to be the beacon you are to so many. One day, you and your art are going to take this power of yours to the next level. AND…sometime in your golden years..when you are at peace and well…you need to write a book…and include this blog in it…because though so many try and so many do make a difference…this problem is not going to go away. There will always be a need for your wisdom and advice.
I’m not a gambler (as my Dorothy and the One Arm Bandit post will attest)…but I’d gamble on you.
xo
R