Yesterday I asked your opinions on Confirmed Negativity Condition (CNC) I still am not totally sure what my own opinions are on this – I relate strongly to the described thoughts and what the ‘sufferers’ go through. But at the same time, I find these same experiences described elsewhere.
Today I wanted to share with you something I learnt way back in the early 2000′s when I did a couple of sessions of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): unhealthy thinking styles. I think everyone who is alive will be able to identify having thought in these ways at some stage in their lives, whether that was a one 0ff thing, or a constant pattern for them.
(Remember – CBT is very helpful for personality disorders, for eating disorders, for depression, anxiety etc. It is relevant for everyone – because every human being has traits from the personality disorders and times of being low or anxious or struggling with self image.)
I came across a pretty good source of CBT worksheets and handouts - www.psychologytools.org The following pictures have been butchered especially for this post, from their Unhelpful Thinking Styles worksheet.
Have you ever negotiated with yourself in order to earn something? Or to ‘pay’ for something? For example, you might be craving an extra serving of dinner. Do you tell yourself you can only have it if you do some extra exercise? Or cut back in another meal? Then you have bargained with yourself.
I can’t find an exact match in CBT thought styles for Bargaining, but I thought Using Critical Words came close:
(Hmm, few extra lines there…. I really should go back and edit it..)
Growing up, my mother was SUCH a hard taskmaster. If we got 99% on an exam, she would demand to know what happened to the other 1%. I took over from her, demanding perfection from myself. Of course, perfection isn’t something we can achieve as human beings – so I was always falling short. It meant to me, that I was a failure. I wasn’t good, so I must be bad. There was no in between. Hello, Black and White thinking – or All Or Nothing thinking.
Somewhere along the line, what I perceived as me failing constantly started to cloud my view of myself, of life, of everything. I started to ignore any evidence that might be positive about myself and saw only the bad stuff. I was a failure. I was horrible. I was ugly. All the evidence I came across confirmed that for me. I didn’t do well on a test, I was dumb and a failure. Someone didn’t smile at me that morning (they might have been having a bad day!) I was ugly and people hated me. A baby in a passing stroller cried? I was horrible! It was my fault! And yes, further proof that I was ugly! I was viewing my entire life through a Mental Filter. A very negative one at that.
(bugger, see that bit I didn’t crop out! Must make the entire post a failure, right? WRONG 
)
Now, I can see that thinking this entire post is a failure because of my wonky cropping is unhealthy and just untrue – but back then, could I? Not at all! I didn’t even allow myself to think any differently though. I was stuck tight in the square that I’d drawn for myself and plonked myself into – I couldn’t think outside the square at all. A post containing a wonky picture being anything but a failure wouldn’t have even been possible in my world. In fact, it didn’t matter WHAT I did, nothing I did would ever go right anyway. Everything always went wrong, everything.
(In my perception anyway). Oh gawd, what is it with me and the wonky editing today? Should I go back and fix it? I should, shouldn’t I? Totally go back and re-do the lot. Because it’s going to be an utter fail. People will get headaches seeing these floating lines. And they’ll start a thread on GOMI dedicated to people who cannot crop properly – something like “Fiona’s Crap Crops..”?
Catastrophising is also something I see in my friends a lot. For example, there’s a friend of mine on Facebook who is a textbook catastrophiser. Everything is always a source of stress stress stress, because the worst is absolutely going to happen, and because that happened, this disaster then that disaster was going to follow… I guess you can say she was also Jumping To Conclusions given that there was no way she could know if any of that would actually happen!
Catastrophising reminds me of this proverb:
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the message was lost.
For want of a message the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail. (source)
I guess the only difference would be that the person doing the catastrophising would phrase it in future tense rather than past.
Minimalisation is one I haven’t really thought about much, but I can totally see myself doing that. I constantly tell people things are fine, they aren’t a big deal. When they might very well be. I’m totally making molehills out of problems that to me, are actually mountains.
I did this a lot with the eating disorder. I played it down because I didn’t want to worry people more. Because I wasn’t worthy of people caring if they knew I wasn’t okay. And because it was ALL MY FAULT. See what I did there?
(yet another wonky edit!!! Sheesh. It’s not my night, hey?)
I also knew I wasn’t an okay person. I knew it, because that’s how I felt. And feeling something means it’s true, right?
Just because by way of Emotional Reasoning, you decide you totally are awful since you feel awful – doesn’t make it true. Right?
Anyway – I hope this hasn’t been utterly boring, which it would be if you already were familiar with CBT. I’ve found it fairly helpful, myself, to just familiarise myself with the unhealthy thoughts, identify when I’ve been using them (in hindsight anyway!) and also to challenge myself not to go back and re-crop every single one of those stupid lousy pictures!
But it’s totally fine, right? I’m a loser anyway right?
Anyway.. yeah, I know. It’s boring. You’ve heard it all before, right?
If you are still listening – which of these unhealthy thinking styles do you recognise yourself having had? Have you ever done CBT, and do you think it’s helpful?
It took the arrival of my “Jo Grant” boiler suit earlier this morning for me to realise that I’ve lost twice as much weight as I thought I had over the last two years! Meds that cause weight gain + atypical anorexia + low self-esteem really mess with a person’s perception.
Good thing I’d already decided to learn to sew – I can customise the outfit to fit instead of going through all the faff of having to return it
Well you aren’t catastrophising, at least, since you can see a way to make things work rather than running around like a chicken with your head cut off! It really does make it harder that our perception can be so ‘off’. Hope your suit fixes up well
I reckon a lot of us probably do all of these thinking styles at some point..but the ones that resonate most strongly with me would be:
Bargaining – i think it is particularly relevant to people with restrictive eating disorders…i would bargain a lot about what i could and couldn’t eat if i did or didn’t do a certain amount of exercise…i suppose its just like what they call ‘compensating’…absolutely something I do.
Mental filtering – I tend to do this especially when i feel stressed out about something. I felt this way pretty much the entire way through my Honours degree…some of it DID fail, but in the end a lot of things worked out and my supervisor( and dear friend Fiona) were always there to remind me of my successes… I must have sounded like a broken record at the time!
Emotional reasoning ‘I feel…therefore I am’…Yep…Guilty.
Catastrophising…oh absolutely! Sorry Fi, i dump my catastrophising on you too much!
Labelling. Myself and sometimes others…
The bit on your catastrophising Facebook friend…is that me?!LOL It could be me sometimes I that is for sure! LOL LOL LOL
Try not to minimalise darling, it is OKAY not to be OKAY sometimes.
Love you.
Ange xooxxoxoxxo
Yes, that’s what I thought too – most people engage in these ways of thinking at some point. It’s like pretty much every human being is just on the spectrum somewhere when it comes to mental illness, so when people say ‘insane’ or ‘sane’, who is either? It’s just a matter of degree really!
well done. I do wish you didn’t have to go through the level of stress that you did, though.
You don’t sound like a broken record ha, you were freaking about something that MOST people get very stressed about – and you totally did amazingly. High distinction if I remember correctly
NO you are not the friend – as far as I know, they aren’t a reader here. They don’t have time, because the sky is constantly about to fall and too many disasters are pending.
And thank you – you are right – it’s okay NOT to be okay sometimes. Because we are HUMAN. I hope you can remember that, too.
Love you too, sweet Ange xxx
I have most of the negative thinking patterns and have been aware of it for many years. Other terms I’ve used for this is Chronic Depression, Fear based living, being out of connection with my heart-calling, my passion in life so therefore nothing is good enough. My first reaction to things is usually going to the worst case scenario….
I’ve learned to apply a simple thing to this. First reaction is noted but not acted upon, then pause and breath deep. Wait for a second response,(or a third etc). I learned this through 12 step work/program. The second response is usually much more sane and positive. I don’t always believe the first reaction anymore, but try to see what is the fear that is driving it. I learned that from studying and practicing Non-Violent Communication (NVC). Applying it within myself. To look for what the deeper need is. It also seems really kind and practical. If fear is at the basis of negativity, then what can I do to quell the fear? is it founded or just a learnt pattern. This seems more empowering, it’s something I can DO something about. Whereas negativity and fear are often paralyzing.
I haven’t tried CBT, but have heard of it and resonate with the mindfulness aspect of it. (if my memory is correct on that).
I really like the sound of what you are doing – taking a deep breath and waiting for what you feel after the first feeling. My case manager has me doing something like that too – but it’s the other way round, because I tend to block out my primary emotions with ‘secondary emotions’ because that’s what I’ve trained myself to do or been trained to do. EG if being sad has never been acceptable in your home, if you are truly sad, you might automatically feel something else, your secondary emotion, instead. But I also think it’s definitely true that our first reaction can come in a flood of emotions and our rational emotions don’t come until we have taken a deep breath and calmed down!
Something came to mind reading your comment – I wonder, since you say that catastrophising, expecting the worst thing to happen – is a big thing for you. Do you feel that in your life, often the worst HAS happened, and that you have been conditioned to expect that? Although, since it is a thought style and there are also things like filtering to consider – would you think it’s totally erroneous thinking learnt over years – or your past?
Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.
I think there is a mindfulness element to CBT. There definitely is in DBT – DBT has been the most helpful thing to me of anything so far. I haven’t actually done it, because I don’t qualify, I’ve been getting tips from my case manager and from offline and trying out things from it myself.
Fiona, you asked; …..”Do you feel that in your life, often the worst HAS happened, and that you have been conditioned to expect that? Although, since it is a thought style and there are also things like filtering to consider – would you think it’s totally erroneous thinking learnt over years – or your past?”…..
I would have to say that many wonderful things happened to me through out my life but that at a very early age some significant things happened that were extremely traumatic and that those events, along with a lack of nurturance in early childhood were what set up a negative foundation, a hyper-vigilance on automatic, as first response.
I think we are ‘designed’ to be resilient and to adapt to life and that life is both stressful and full of abundant positives for us. But if by chance we get some faulty wiring or we are not allowed to develop important capabilities, then we are limited or even crippled.
Regarding mindfulness and CBT or DBT….you’re right, it was DBT that I was thinking of. But I’ve not been counseled on DBT. Just read about it.
I think all these techniques have some value or potential. But maybe the key is to find which ones work for you, or suits your nature, or the stage you are at. I know for me it has been important to do a lot of mental researching to understand things first with my mind. But I think the actual healing – for me – is through developing the capacity to physically and emotionally feel and tolerate difficult emotions, and still maintain my heart-presence….and make good choices.
I’m going toward techniques like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), developmental movement therapy and neurological reorganization (somatic based). But all of these have elements of mindfulness, and mental integration.
I’m really thinking that somatic therapy and EMDR are sounding hopeful, it is a shame that not many practitioners seem to do it here at least.
You are right they all have value and potential. And I don’t think that any one thing works totally for any one person – myself I’m having more luck taking bits from different techniques depending on my own needs. It sounds like this is what helps you too.
Tolerating – that’s my biggie too. Tolerance, just sitting with the feelings, not trying to keep running from them.. it’s hard. But it’s a key thing we have to do.
YES about us being designed to be resilient. Also when you had such negative experiences in childhood you learnt as a necessity to be hyper vigilant and to expect the worst to keep yourself SAFE> That’s part of survival. It’s not good for the heart though, or the mind.
Thank you for sharing so much – and I am totally loving you and Buckwheat’s little discussion as I’ve learnt a lot from both of you and felt I have so much I can relate to from both of you, too
Ah CBT, I didn’t find it helpful back when I tried but I have a feeling that was more the therapist than myself that time (being told you lie about your intake by your ED therapist doesn’t exactly encourage compliance). I feel I should give it another shot. I definitley relate to the points, I think I do them all daily.
I loved the GOMI reference btw, I’ve read their front page a few times. Pretty funny (though a good reason for me not to have a blog, I’d be on there in a snap xD).
And I am sorry about your mother being such a harsh taskmaster, my mum expected (still expects) a lot of me, but I cannot imagine.
Hi Katie, I am so shocked and sad that your therapist accused you of lying about your intake – that would have been the end of any trust or respect right there I think
I am really sorry you went through that. I hope that you didn’t let that stop you from seeking help from anyone else – it seems that many people have a bad therapy experience and let that scare them away from ALL therapists, when it’s like in life, I guess, there are good people, there are bad people, there are those we get on with and there are those we detest and it’s a case of finding one you fit with.
I think you should give it another go, and look into DBT too? I’ve found DBT very helpful because CBT is more rational but DBT helps me with tolerating those deeply painful feelings, and just being able to tolerate myself or just ‘being’ a lot better. I did sit in a few CBT groups years and years ago – ‘sit in’ being the operative word here. They were compulsory as I was IP, and all of them were the ‘first’ group, because of the patient turnaround so there wasn’t any continuity. BUT – it was me. I wasn’t ready at the time. I can totally see that now about a lot of things, I wasn’t ready back then, although I still stored away a lot of the info in the back of my mind, it took a while for me to get to that place where I WAS ready.
I hope things are okay for you, at least getting better.
Thanks. He was a bit of an arse, apparently the idea that several years of restriction and purging might have murdered my metabolism never crossed his mind -.-. Unfortunately I did let it scare me off therapy, as well as with the NHS working the way it does I’d need to move out of my hometown or go private which is prohibitively costly to get a different therapist (I live in a small town and the ED service had only just started at the time so was tiny – two therapists and only one was free when I was). I do have some self-help stuff on my computer though, and DBT is definitley something I’d consider, especially as I have several BPD traits with no actual diagnosis. Just waiting until I’m not so deeply into relapse/self-destruction territory to actually be able to use it. It’s why I read/lurk so many ED blogs, I really hope that something will help drag me back out.
I still think you’re amazing and have come so far. Especially considering all the shit you went through. You are just… words cannot describe (in a good way!)
I am so sorry.. makes me so sad and angry every time I hear of professionals who are ignorant yet working in EDs. Sometimes it seems like while they might train specifically and be familiar with the field they specialise in for every other field, anyone can be an ED professional.
I hope your next experience is much better, maybe now the service has had time to get up off the ground it will hopefully be a bit better. I hope so much you get to the point of being able to reach out too. You are certainly taking steps – contemplating change
Thank you for being so kind and believing in me. My heart goes out to you xx
I had CBT twice…the first time the therapist didn’t make me understand it very well but in 2001 or so…I started it again with my doctor who had just finished taking the course and she made it all so real for me and I understood ‘catastrophizing’ and all the fundamentals of CBT. I still was in the midst of depression but slowly climbed out of it with her help and I must include God in my healing also. Non-Christians of course can still benefit from CBT because the process when done properly is really enlightening Diane
The person who you must most thank for your comeback from depression – YOU. Your therapist guided you, God guided you, YOU did the hard work, and I’m glad you did. Otherwise I wouldn’t have met you
It is a really enlightening process, CBT – when we are ready to take it in. xx
i hate CBT it didn’t work for me it only made things worse. i can so relate to messages of needing to be perfect, and not good enough…i still struggle with that a lot.
I’m so sorry it made things worse for you and I’m really interested in hearing more about why/how that happened. One of the reasons I asked for people’s opinions on CNC in my last blog, is that my experience with a clinic based on CNC was actually really negative, but when i’ve said that, I’ve been jumped on by people who are all for it. I wonder if there are more people out there who CBT didn’t help and it wasn’t a case of them not being ready – like you. It would make sense to me since nothing works for everybody – you just don’t hear many people saying this.
I’m sorry about you struggling with the perfection stuff – it’s hard since it’s impossible for us to BE perfect – and yet we ARE perfect – God made us, didn’t He? *hugs* xx
yes when i went to the therapist after the one who tried CBT, she said CBT doesn’t work well for rape victims. she said there has to be other things dealt with first. for me CBT just added to the panic and anxiety i already had because then i felt like i HAD to face my fears…it felt like control all over again. Somatic Experiencing helped me tons and there was such a relief that there was no CBT,.once Somatic worked there was no need for it. The jury is out for me on what i am in now OEI EMDR…i guess different things work for different people.
xo
yes we are perfect and he did
To Buckwheatsrisk,
thank you for the Somatic Experiencing. I googled it when I read about it at your blog -recently-I think, and it sounds like a good fit for me. I’m learning how critical it is for me to have choice and to be ‘in charge’ of when and how I face old trauma. And it seems to be a key to do this through my body not my head. Or at least for my body to be in the lead, with head ‘witnessing’ and holding a good attitude.
BTW> i have been reading your blog for a while now, but haven’t commented. What has been a deep gift for me about reading your posts is that I keep recognizing myself, a felt sense that what you describe is much what I feel in myself. BUT….have been so cut off from….my old traumas that are unfinished. I just live as if understanding them mentally and sorting it mentally and even forgiving the abusers, mentally – has put a bandaid on it. Meanwhile I’ve been subsumed in an eating disorder for 21 years….that taking all my attention….but recently I have gotten glimpses that focusing on my eating disorder keeps me distracted from the hell and horror that lays festering deep inside me….below my nice smart intellect that has done the best job it could to protect me all these years.
Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. it is helping me.
(fiona, I hope it’s ok that i got side tracked on this note to Buckwheatsrisk)
I am so very sorry for the pain you have been through. No one deserves it. Thank you so much for leaving a response, you touched my heart. i am so glad it has been helpful. Somatic Experiencing has truly been a life saver for me and tolerable. If you decide to try it would you be willing to let me know how it goes? It was the least scarey form of therapy for me. i could see hope for you with your eating disorder in way that doesn’t feel like it is taking everything away from you. Take care of you, one step and moment at a time.
To Buckwheatsrisk,
yes I would be happy to let you know how it goes if I try Somatic Experiencing. I’m not sure if any therapists in my area use that modality though. Thanks for your kind words.
yes where i have moved too now they don’t either so i am still trying to get used to the new way and not sure what i think about it or how i feel about it…sigh
I don’t mind at all, I’m reading interestedly too
That makes a lot of sense to me – I think one of the things I’ve struggle with too is that I do know I have to face up to all that’s happened at some stage in order to heal, but CBT seems rather harsh and ‘just do it’ when you are still not that long out of it or still deeply traumatised by it. It’s a bit too ‘suck it up’ harsh. And also, my treatment team used to say to me when I expressed frustration at not doing ‘proper therapy’ and needing to, that they didn’t feel like I had the skills or coping mechanisms in place to do it yet, and back then that confused me. That was what therapy was for, right? but actually no, I needed to prepare for therapy or it would make things worse, perhaps this is what happened with you.
Thank you so much for sharing. And hopefully something will work for you. I’m glad you are sharing your experiences because I don’t really know all that much about any of them and it would make it easier for me to work out what might help me too. xxx
yes CBT is harsh, Somatic is much gentler and works at my pace…it has an almost sneaky (in a good way) of getting you better without hardly realizing it at times. it is work and painful at times,but in bite size pieces that are manageable it was amazing! i understand what your team is saying you have to be ready in a place where you are ready to do what it takes and not run at the first sight of pain or struggle. you have to really want it or it won’t help. it is sounding to me like you are ready now are you?
I feel like I’m ready. I’ve been champing at the bit for years,pushing to go forward. It’s frustrating. They are worried that I’m not strong enough or safe enough yet, but honestly, when you are trapped in your past every single day, haunted by it, how can that be worse? Maybe it’s the fact that I cannot avoid the flashbacks when they happen that make them decide I’m not ready? I worked hard to completely stop overdosing and self harming, so there isn’t a danger of me going out from therapy and doing something like that. I don’t know what it is exactly that they want to be honest.
oh wow, my former therapist told me that constant flashbacks can be our bodies way of telling us we are ready to deal. i’m blogging later on this but i have been having a terrible fearful nightmare for years and it has been constant lately…i dealt with it in therapy yesterday, with OEI and although intense and really scarey, i am much better with it now, and i went without the nightmare last night!! funny thing is, it is just an intense fear of my grandparents house and being in it, and that has always been there awake or asleep…lately i have been in it every night in my dreams…we were able to almost get rid of that fear completely…i think there is a tiny bit more to go, but it is not near as bad now. i don’t even know what happened to me in there but i know something did. i hope things get better for you soon and people listen to what you need. xo
I never knew that constant flashbacks meant we were ready to deal with it until I read your blog, and it makes sense now to me. There have been times when I’ve been plagued with them, haven’t wanted them, but in hindsight realise that if I hadn’t started talking about whatever it was then, I would have fallen in a heap. I really found it helpful reading about your nightmare and how you tackled them. I loved how your husband was in it, and how you disempowered your grandfather. It is really really scary to know something happened and not be quite sure what it is. xxxx
thank you so much. it really does help to know that when flashbacks start, it means time to deal, it isn’t so awful then, as i know the end of that part is in site.
as far as GF ..oh man that is hard, i know there is more to it, i’m just shoving it down right now, i can’t handle the more…it helped immensely to have Hubby take me out in the pic.
xo
You have come SO FAR. Never forget that. I’m thinking of you and praying hard <3
xo
Gosh, this post made me question my ed? I guess I wasn’t sick (enough) of doing any of those test! Though I can relate to most of those Styles! I know that knowledge is power and understanding things is crucial for overcoming ed, but I prefer more home type recovery. Haha! By it I mean not to overanalyzing things based on science – as it usually gives me headache.
PS The latest of your post doesn’t show on the WordPress reader?! I hate missing those.
Oh Greta, there is no ‘wasn’t sick enough’ and from reading your blog, you WERE very sick, your ED robbed you of SO MUCH. Also I remember you telling me about the lack of ED treatment there – it sounds like you never were given a chance to do CBT – doesn’t mean you weren’t sick enough or don’t need it, means you missed out
) Lots of love xxx
Knowledge is definitely power – I believe that too. But I also believe that home-style recovery for ED is the best type – after all, we have to live in our home environments, it makes sense that we learn to cope there and not in an artificial environment. You don’t have to be inpatient to do this stuff, it’s actually done a lot in groups as outpatients. I’m learning this stuff myself online as I don’t qualify for the groups.
LOL at not overanalysing things – sometimes we do overthink things and pick them apart til we could scream! Instead of just taking things for what they are.
I don’t know why my post doesn’t show, does it now (being a lot later?) I reblogged Recovering Anorexic’s post about how we have failed when it comes to raising ED Awareness (directly linking to her so that should work
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