I’m really loving the arrival of spring lately. Clear blue skies, sunshine, and flowers blooming. Even my neglected garden has sprung back into life, prompting me to start watering it again. Because they had died, I’d replanted, then they died again, it’s been fun trying to work out what the heck some of the plants are!
Some are more obvious:
I know there are some snow peas in there, some parsley, and possibly some kinds of basil. The rest are a mystery to me and all I can do is wait for them to grow a bit more obvious! There are flower plants in there too, so tasting the mystery plants might be a bit risky.
I did actually manage to grow flowers – but who can kill nasturtiums? These flowers are full of memories for me, they were everywhere at our place growing up.
Although I love nasturtiums (and they ARE edible – did you know? You can eat the leaves and the flowers!) I really had to think hard about planting them, as they do tend to trigger a lot of memories for me, many of which are just not good.
Lately I’ve really been struggling with PTSD issues. More than I usually do, because it’s an ongoing problem for me. Part of this is because I’ve always been very connected to the outdoors, to nature etc – as a child more often than not I would escape to my own world that involved trees, grass, mud, watching willy wagtails and other birds, gazing at the sky, etc. So my adult life is a minefield of triggers, especially in the spring time when the natural world comes alive. This in turn is exacerbated by the fact that it’s just ‘that time of year’ when there are some pretty hard to bear anniversaries, plus the memories of things happening around those events.
Recently, a young family with kids moved into the house which has a backyard right opposite my back door. Also, a lot of backyards converge near my back door – lots of them having young kids. Every day, especially in the afternoon and early evening, the air is full of squealing and laughter, the sounds of little kids playing. This is a truly wonderful sound that never fails to make me smile.
These days it’s more usual for kids to NOT play in the back yard, so it’s really nice to see and hear. But, for me, it’s a huge, huge trigger. Every afternoon I’ve been getting lost in flashbacks, no matter how much I try to stay in the present, remind myself I’m safe now, etc. Even good memories are all mixed up with bad. I end up losing a lot of time, or just crying my eyes out.
So I’m really glad I’m finally seeing a trauma therapist and look forward to learning how to take a lot of the pain out of this.
In the meantime, what’s worked best is trying to keep my focus on MY ‘kid’ being out there playing too. Late afternoon/early evening is the time I usually let Shalimar go out to play, while I keep an eye on her usually from inside while I do other things. I do sit out there with her sometimes, but I find it hard to just sit there for long!
And then I call her in for her tea, when it gets a bit close to too dark.
We’ve also been cuddling – this afternoon:
I also have been making myself laugh – and today I thought I’d share some of the funnies with you. Today, a friend of mine was looking for halloween costumes for her little boy for playgroup. It didn’t take long for things to get hilariously cute! I think some parents must either be very hungry, or it’s just that babies can be so cute you want to eat them right up!
Some amazing comparisons – who did it better? Let me know!
I think the people who made these costumes maybe should have had something to eat first! And I don’t mean the babies (or fur babies!)
As you can probably guess, it wasn’t long before I was looking for cat costumes, instead of baby ones. And Shalimar was NOT impressed. Especially when I thought I’d get her this one:
I haven’t worn a costume for years and years. Halloween has been a non-event here for most of my life, although I’ve worn some pretty amazing dance costumes.
I think I’ll be going as myself this halloween.. that could be pretty scary!
See what I’ve done here? I’ve taken the focus right off things like bad memories and flashbacks – and made myself laugh! I hope I brightened your day or night too.
Last of all, since I’m putting up a heap of pictures today, I’ll leave you with some of me – my hair is finally able to be put up in a (pathetically teeny) pony tail!!!
I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed finding the pictures for it! Now I’m off to cuddle up with my kitty in bed again
How are you finding your spring, or your autumn, depending on where you are? What’s the best thing about it, and the worst?
Do you have a garden?
What is the best costume you have ever worn?
Have you ever celebrated Halloween – gone trick or treating, or to a costume party for example?