So many warnings for this post – TL;DR, various triggers, and most of all it’s a sooky-lala poor ol’ me whinge. Because sometimes even the most positive of people need to have a cry!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted – things have been quite rocky here. October is a month with a lot of anniversaries – deaths and birthdays and all the events around them – and so the hardest month of the year for me apart from December with Christmas and all the feelings that evokes.
It’s a few weeks into actually starting trauma therapy, and we are still in the beginning stages. I’m panicking because despite some good advice that gives me hope about being able to access more of it, we are halfway through the sessions that I can access per year (10 per year all up with the extension) and there’s a lifetime of stuff to cover.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’ve been sitting here today shaking my head. I don’t know when I became so outspoken and mean. I don’t know when I became so unable to trust people. Okay. I DO know. I’ve had so many people lie to me. I’ve discovered so many people were not who they pretended to be. People who pretended to be good people, friends, people who ‘cared’ – and it turned out they were fake all along. And that’s just in real life. People like an ex friend of years, the one who was talking to my little sister behind my back and convincing her that my dad dying from cancer – melanoma – was my fault, because I had anorexia and that had obviously stressed him to death. That my eating disorder was to punish them, and that if I really loved them, I’d not do it. And then coming in to visit me in hospital and trying to force me to plan my own freaking funeral.
Online? It seems we are surrounded by fakes. Surrounded by people pretending to have anorexia or cancer or cystic fibrosis or whatever. They are everywhere. I’ve had a facebook friend ‘die’, cried for her, watched as our friends poured out tributes for her, only to discover she was alive the whole time. Then be tipped off by someone else that there were sites where she had, several times, pretended to be sick and then die – of cancer, of cystic fibrosis, of anorexia. Can you imagine how I felt? And that’s just one, of quite a few.
And then you have my own mother, the queen of lies. She’s had a brain tumor. She’s had Ross River Virus. She’s been to cancer support groups despite never having cancer. She was going to be completely blind and spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair. I could go on and on. But they were all imagined illnesses. I learnt early that a grain of salt with everything was my best friend.
I need to choose my friends better. But the main thing here is that, how do you trust faceless people online? Do you just ignore any red flags that go up? Do you after being hurt so much, ignore those gut feelings? How do you choose to believe one person over another, apart from things like being able to ‘see’ them and ‘hear’ the sincerity in their words?
I’m torn in so many directions. On the one hand, I cry reading the blogs and facebooks and other sites of so many people online – people who have been hurt and broken and are struggling to survive, or bravely fighting back. On the other hand, I constantly question how real some of them are, because… I don’t want to be sucked in again. Among so many other things.
And then.. there’s what’s happening inside. I’m not coping really. I pretend that I am, as usual. But lately – sheesh. Where to begin? Okay. I’ve never, ever been free of any of what happened to me. The constant unrelenting abuse for my entire life, from as young as I remember, til I fled there at the earliest that I was able to break free mentally from that emotionally controlled environment – I’ve never had any peace from that stuff. It also took my adored cat being killed to allow me to leave – my only friend, I couldn’t leave her behind in that nest of vipers to be mistreated even more. And I knew there was no way I’d be able to take her with me.
(I often ask myself WHY didn’t you say to the people – teachers for eg – who constantly asked you throughout childhood, what’s happening at home? Is everything okay? Why did I lie to them constantly and tell them it was all fine? WHY didn’t those docs workers insist on coming in past the padlocked gate and scary dogs? WHO reported us? WHY didn’t I even just run away earlier? And I couldn’t. Because I was as trapped emotionally as I was physically in that place.)
And while all this was happening, I faced bullying at school. It was a tiny, elite school for the ‘cream of the crop’ from around the country – the dancing school, where we danced most of the day and caught up with our education in the afternoons. Our classes were small – less than 25 people per class, adding up to less than 50 students – mostly girls – in the entire school. Add that they were affluent girls – you had to be to afford over $7500 a term – and I was the lone scholarship/ sponsorship/ wrong side of the tracks/ neglected/ dirty/ scruffy kid – OUCH. Imagine being the hated kid in a school where there aren’t little groups of friends – there is just one big cliche – and it’s them against you.
(I guess it still affects me strongly today. Everything I do is seen by me through the filter of “Fiona is a loser, Fiona is a failure, Fiona is dirty, Fiona is an imbecile…we always knew Fiona wouldn’t amount to anything..” There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently, not that I know if they would have made a difference.)
I didn’t have a chance, even when I fled. Being abducted, assaulted, raped for a whole long afternoon and evening continuously, then having the man control you, stalk you, and come back to rape and abuse you horribly over and over again for the next few years – I felt like I just left one hell for another.
(and I ask myself why, for this too. Why did I never report him to the police? Sure he always forced me to wash the evidence of rape away afterwards, sure he threatened me. But they would have stopped him wouldn’t they have? I couldn’t keep him from breaking in or picking me up off the street again if I didn’t let him in. But they could have stopped him?)
All this is stuff I’ve been reliving, constantly, that’s never gone away, never left me in peace. How do people deal with this sort of stuff? How do you go on and just live? There are the ignoramuses who say ‘Get over it’… I wish. Every day, I spend a lot of it dissociated, or trapped in flashbacks – and I battle to function despite that.
Trauma therapy only just beginning, has given me a LOT of hope. I just felt like I clicked with this therapist, I feel safe with her, and I also sense she has strong boundaries (having been coaxed into a ‘hugging/cuddling’ “I love you”-saying relationship with a counsellor years ago, then being badly hurt by it, boundaries are important.) This therapist has told me a few things she can do to help me. How we can work to take away some of the power of the flashbacks, how she can teach me to separate myself from them emotionally, and I hope so much that we get a chance to work in depth with everything I need to. How long does it take in therapy to work on a lifetime’s stuff? Another lifetime? I don’t feel like I have another lifetime.
I’m aware that I’ve gone off on a major tangent here. Please bear with me. My point is (I think!) that I’ve been a complete utter mess emotionally and I don’t even know whether I’m coming or going lately. I’ve been so depressed, so anxious, and so haunted. And so nasty. Not even sure of my true feelings on so many things, quick to jump on the bandwagon if other people are doubting someone, and yes – again – nasty.
I’m truly sorry and ashamed of myself, for hurting another blogger publicly saying I doubted whether they were real or not. I’ve followed them for quite a while and left a few comments here or there. What she goes through calls to me because I know that hurt, I know that brokenness. But she’s faceless, and there are many places round the net where I hear things, other people saying things, that plant seeds of doubt that just keep growing. Add to that feeling invalidated in many ways – and reowr. Anger/nasty/something horrible that I hate to have exist in me – strikes. It scares me that I have this in me, the ability to be so upfront and unkind. I truly meant every word I commented on LT’s blog. And apart from a comment the other day, people’s views do change over time – what I felt a month or two ago is not going to be what I feel today – and my comments reflect that. It’s not two faced to feel differently and express that.
I deeply regret that I made my doubts public on GOMI – but I also find myself asking – is it so wrong, so terrible of people to have doubts? In this day and age when scammers, fakers, con artists are everywhere? When I have a history of getting sucked in and hurt? And is it forbidden, when you see someone publicly expressing the same doubts, to go and join them, because they are thinking something you had begun to think? Because you aren’t alone in your thoughts and maybe together you can work out what the reality is. I guess my mistake was a very very HUMAN thing to do. Another mistake was daring to post those doubts as myself. Maybe I should have just separated myself from them completely. I forgot that there is no such thing as freedom to speak your mind online.
I’m feeling a bit WTF about blogging communities where you aren’t allowed to dissent, aren’t allowed to question, aren’t allowed to think for yourself. Where it starts to feel like a shared idolisation of the blogger by the blog community and anyone who dares to say differently, beware, because you will get torn to bits by an angry pack of sheeple. I’m also WTF’ing commenters who ARE two faced in that they sing the blogger’s praises to them on their blog, but are even MORE anonymously posting in places like GOMI, tipping people off about their own doubts etc. Everyone knows who I am on GOMI. But there are obviously quite a few commenters on this particular blog who are singing along there, and singing something different elsewhere.
Anyway…. I just regret that I hurt someone. Hurt LT. And wish I kept my head pulled in.
I can’t go back and change the past few days unfortunately. Can’t undo anything that’s been done, any more than I can go back years and do things differently in the hope that I might have escaped some of that torment.
(because hindsight doesn’t exist in that way. We can’t take hindsight back with us and use it in that past.. that doesn’t even make sense. Truth is, we were doing the best that we could, with what we knew, the resources we had, and the situation we were in at the time. All of us need to remember this, when we beat ourselves up for not doing things differently in the past – we didn’t know what we know now then, and we were just doing the best we could to survive.)
What am I doing to try and survive right now? I’ve been really enjoying volunteer work. The anxiety and fear before going is still HUGE – but I’m managing to get there and once I get there – I’m fine. The people are lovely – accepting, kind – and I feel needed, useful, and like I’m giving back in some small way. It’s also a really lovely feeling to see clients come in, perhaps not feeling great, and leave looking spruced up, confident, and even a bit excited! I find myself hoping they get the job, that things improve for them, and that we hear from them. (If a client is successful, they get to come back and choose another work outfit, to help them have things to wear at their new job.)
I had to take a few weeks off ballet classes – after being unwell and having a bit of a set back, I was beginning to struggle more and I realised the last thing I needed was to be exercising more. But going back to ballet has been one of the most precious gifts I have received in my life. I had forgotten how much I love it, and it truly feels like breathing after being unable to for so long. Ballet is the closest I will probably ever get to being able to fly. (because I doubt I’m going to sprout wings or develop a superpower any time soon!) Ballet just is essential to me, to LIVE. I’m going back on Thursday, and as usual the fear and anxiety is there already – but I know it’s so worth pushing through that to get there.
Shalimar is being, as usual, her sweet, affectionate self. She’s finished eating my climbing bean plants, and eaten all the grass we can find – it’s been terribly hot recently so there seems to be more bare dirt and weeds than grass – so I’m madly trying to grow her some more. She’s been catching huge lizards, 20 cm in length!! (Arrrgh!!) and just generally enjoying hanging out. She never lets me out of her sight – and I truly don’t think I would be able to keep living without her. I don’t know how I managed before I adopted her, nine years ago.
What, no beans?
And my friends – they truly make life worth living. I often wonder at how different I am now, to how I was back then, when I was an abused, bullied mouse. There were two years in adolescence where I didn’t even talk more than one or two words a DAY – usually “sorry”, apologising for existing – it was the first thing that popped out of my mouth if someone hurt me, or I got in the way or whatever. I used to retreat from people, and prefer to be alone. Now, I can’t live without the amazing people I’ve been so blessed to meet and get to know.
And I think that’s the way we are meant to be. Humans aren’t meant to be solitary creatures – we are made to share and to love one another.
Thank you for reading. I know this is a super-confusing, messed up post, and it probably doesn’t even make sense. I’m a tired, drained mess at the moment and you are reading the product of a confused, cognitively impaired and exhausted mind. I don’t even know what else to say or do - except, I guess, press publish, then go and cuddle with Shalimar – who is at this moment, splayed out on the couch with her feet in the air!!
Sorry about the furry sheet – better on the sheet than on the futon!
I love her 
Fiona, please don’t beat yourself up. We are all human; we all make mistakes – and some people out there are sick and cruel. When a red flag goes up there’s usually a perfectly good reason for it.
I haven’t endured anything remotely as bad as the suffering you’ve been put through, but I understand all too well about trust issues. Five years into my relationship and five months into my marriage, for instance, I still have a hard time trusting that this time it’s real – that I’m loved in spite of the ASD, epilepsy, asthma, EDNOS, anxiety and other issues that I have to endure. My friends are genuine and don’t talk about me behind my back; my lying, conniving ex husband is long gone from my life and *nobody* is ever going to hurt me again.
But there is always that constant, niggling paranoia way in the back of my mind where all the nightmares still reside.
We all say things in the heat of the moment; hopefully your friend will understand that.
Thank you for understanding – you so GET IT. I’m sorry you struggle too in this way. xx
I don’t know who LT is, but I do think I know that you cannot really tell apart ‘real’ from ‘fake’, especially not online. In the real world, I suppose, the only way is to physically be where they are/live/etc, to know the places they speak of are how they say they are, and the people they mention are there and actually interact with them as well.
Unfortunately, this is not easy. Somehow, it is the people you least expect it of that will stab you in the back. Who will break you apart. And this is not trying to tell you to not trust people at all, because, MOST people aren’t like that. It’s only very few on the planet that are pathalogic liars and generally fucked up people. We, as in, insecure and naieve and maybe also not yet enough backboned, tend to have a greater weak spot to let such people in our lives. But the thing is, we, as in said people, are the ones that have to learn from these experiences. We need to grow. And no, that is not fair. Because, because we are insecure, naieve and not-that-backboned-yet, we bruise and break that much more easily as well. But we learn, and we build up from there.
I still have a hard time letting people ‘in’. Into my heart, no so much. I care too much too easily. But into my mind, yes. I have a hard time letting people in on me. I let thém in, very easily. I just keep the gate shut to what is going on in mé. If that makes any sense. And that is, also, because I could not differentiate from ‘real’ or ‘fake’, and therefore I have since then always been scared to let people near enough to be able to let me shatter to pieces again.
As for all you ‘why didn’t I…’ questions… I am in no way telling you to ‘get over it already’. I think I told you before that I hope you will be able to find certain ‘drawers’ in the back of your mind to keep those memories in. Drawers that can be closed, so the memories are not always in sight, but drawers that can be opened too when they need to be. And things in closets are still there, even when they might not be visible. It’s still part of your ‘personal belongings’, as in, part of you and part of what made you who you are now. Closed drawers can mean closure in the way that; they have now found a place to ‘be’ and they are waiting for yóu to open them when you choose to, it is in your hands to access them. It doesn’t mean they ‘go away’. They won’t, and they shouldn’t either. ‘Why didn’t you…’? Because, at that point, what you did or didn’t do felt like the most sensible choice. There might have been alternatives, but if they don’t really feel like alternatives, then they’re not really alternatives, are they? ‘If you would have…’, that still doesn’t mean everything would have been all amazing right away either. Who says something else wouldn’t have happened? Or that they alternative decision would have even worked out that way? You can now think of all the other routes your past could have taken, but you can never be sure how it would have ended up going. They turned you into who you are now, and you take it from there. You try to organize your closet in a way that makes sense to you.
Thats was a whole lot of mambojambo, but I hope I made some sense. Any.
Dear Sooz… you are spot on, absolutely spot on. THANK YOU for your words. Thank you for understanding. Yes, for all those reasons, it’s hard to let people in. I do tend to swing towards trusting too much and not trusting at all. Because when you have been hurt, it’s understandable to look for the same thing in others. I’m sad because it’s pretty darn obvious you know all this from your own experience
I don’t actually ask the ‘whys’ all that much any more – because I’ve accepted that what happened, happened. But there are times when like recently when I’ve had to revisit a lot of it because there are things happening that need me to, I do lay a lot of blame on myself – that’s where they arise. But I keep reminding myself that we can only do the best with what we have at the time and that’s what I was doing. It’s easy to judge without feeling the feelings someone had that influenced why they did something. I can easily choose a different path in hindsight, but back then, if I truly remember what it was like… it was awful. So we gotta remember things like that.
That’s really good advice what you are saying about drawers in your mind. I totally think you are right about how we have to practice that… that is actually something my therapist mentioned last week – that I need to learn to put things away as they arise – separate myself emotionally from the flashbacks etc. I used to picture myself putting my feelings in a plain white box years ago, and it worked for me. I guess I fear the same thing that happened – I didn’t take them back out and deal with them and ended up further along the path breaking down in a huge mess from it. But this is different.
Your mambojambo made a LOT of sense. THANK you xoxo
Aww Fiona, i’m so glad you’re back at ballet
I know what you’re talking about as yesterday was internet catch up day for me, and i spent a few hours reading about Dave On Wheels. You heard of it? This guy pretended to be a 24 year old disabled boy, and posed as him for 5 years. He faked the character’s death and a while later this blogger did some detective work and found out he was just a regular guy, pretending to be someone else in order to trick people into giving their personal details and, as the blogger suggested, get some indecent pictures.
Very weird, difficult to understand. But these people are out there, and i think you’re right, it’s human to question people’s motives. Especially since we’ve discovered other blogger’s motives aren’t quite the same as our own! And with your history… I’d be more worried if you DIDN’T question the sincerity of people’s stories.
I truly hope LT isn’t lying, i never got that from her blog but i’ve definitely questioned other blogger’s experiences before, and i’ll always do it. Not just online, but i won’t believe people just because they tell me, i reserve judgement until i’m sure the person is trustworthy.
I don’t think your comments were hurtful either, but we can all be nasty sometimes, especially when we’re hurt or angry. And if you’ve been going through a rough time particularly lately, then i’d say it’s pretty normal to be angry and meaner than usual. You’re a lovely person, and you have to put your safety first at all times. Lots of love xxxx
Dear Hayley!! It’s so good to have you back. I’ve missed you a lot! I meant to actually return to ballet this week – so today – but it wasn’t possible sadly. I was out very late last night and just did not even wake up til it was too late this morning
I’ve heard of Dave on Wheels, not too familiar with the details, but there are quite a few like him I’ve heard of. I’ve always seemed to come across them after it’s all happened, but reading the hurt and anger and betrayal by loyal commenters, many who have followed for years, sent gifts, worried about the person, grieved for the person if they died or were dying, etc – they are so hurt. To be honest, I’ve been rolling my eyes a lot at the commenters on this particular person’s blog, because this is why it happens. When you get a heap of people who all sing the bloggers praises and anyone who dares to say differently is shot down in flames… this is why people get so hurt in situations like this. It’s the INTERNET… and yet people still blindly swallow stuff hook line and sinker. Very naive.
I truly hope LT isn’t lying either. Obviously she is someone who has a lived experience of a lot of what she’s blogging about – whether that is as a foster child, or someone who has worked close to them. But I find it all too sophisticated. If she’s really an aged out foster kid, she’s a lot further along in the recovery process than she paints herself as IMO, and writing it from hindsight. She’s also a very GIFTED writer. I’ve gotten a lot from her blog too – because whatever, she GETS what abuse does to you, how it affects you.
But yeah. Saying that ^^ is pretty much what got me called nasty, saying it on GOMI because someone else posted that they didn’t think it was a real person. Nice, hey?
Sorry for sounding bitter.. I guess it’s all been really horrible. It’s hard to see all these nasty comments about what a narcissist I am etc, that I’m two faced because I dared to change my mind about how I felt from months ago! I guess the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is to watch my words! Think before I write!
Thank you for being so comforting, I’m lucky and glad that you are my friend! xx
Your post made perfect sense to me. It sounded like a thoughtful and honest person sharing from the heart. Glad to hear that the volunteer work is going well. It’s hard to know who to trust in person or on line. All we can do is our best and proceed cautiously. I so agree that we need to heed those little nudges. Bouncing things off someone who we know we can trust helps, too!
Blessings ~ Wendy
Thank you, Wendy. I do try and be honest, I feel one of the worst things I did here was not just keep my honest feelings to myself and walk away altogether! But we learn. Yes, we do need to be cautious. Thank you for your comforting words xx
Fiona..I think you’re really beating yourself up because you feel you unjustly…judged someone and you are feeling so bad about doing that. You are right when you say it is easy for people to ‘scam’ others with stories you don’t know whether to believe or not
And with your history of people and their lies and abuse it has to be doubly tough for you to decipher what is truth and what is not.
I have had only one such question in my mind about a blogger whose stories just seemed too incredible and sometimes so opposite in nature..and while I didn’t openly accuse them of writing untruthful and made up things my ‘spirit’ had trouble and I did say something about what they were writing being ‘shocking’ in nature…but I asked God to forgive me if I was suspicious and I was wrong and so I still pray for her in case I am.
I am so glad that at least you got some of what you’re feeling out…and that in spite of it you are still volunteering and going back to ballet.
Your trauma therapist I’m sure will at least be able to give you the skills to understand and fight the feelings you have of your past….in the time you have to spend with her.
You have a lot of ‘true’ friends her online…concentrate on them and not the ‘phony’ ones that have shown their true colors.
I have come to know you and care very much what happens to you.. Take care always …Diane
Dear Diane, I know I can always count on you to say something that really, truly hits home in my heart. You are right. I had thought now and again maybe I should pray, but it was for forgiveness for being mean and nasty – I am now praying for Him to understand and forgive that I am suspicious and do question what I cannot see and know for sure – and for His guidance about what to do next time I’m in such a situation – instead of the speak first think later trouble i’ve been getting into.
A lot of the time life can be more shocking and more bizarre than fiction – I’ve certainly found that in my own life. But I certainly find that there is a huge difference between content that is written TO shock, and content that isn’t written to shock, but is shocking in that it’s happened. (and sad.) I”m so worried that I’m wrong – and I pray that I AM wrong, because I would rather be wrong and nasty and asking for forgiveness than for someone to be in that much deceit and their followers to be so hurt and betrayed.
Thank you – ballet and work are so hard for me to actually get to because of the stuff going on – but they are worth it.
You are right I have a lot of true friends who just happen to be online – and I’m so very glad and blessed to know you all. You are very special to me, too, you have been such a giver of kindness, understanding, a listening ear, friendship, acceptance, and so much more – and I cherish our friendship. Love Fiona xx
I think you still have some positivity in this post Fi..some coping mechanisms to help you and therapy.
Just keep stepping one foot at a time.
Allow me two add three things? Unsolicited advice that will make me sound like a biznitch if you don’t know me …but whatver? Pretty please? Just to consider….
1. The main thing here is that, how do you trust faceless people online?” Advice: YOU DON’T. Period. Invest in people you “know”
2. This Part* —> “I’m feeling a bit WTF about blogging communities………like a shared idolisation of the blogger by the blog ettc etc.”
Advice: “WTF” yourself right out of there and away from that because really….it’s not reality it is internet nonsense. So if you can’t look at it and say..
3. Stop reading blogs that don’t have pictures. And maybe stop reading depressing blogs all together.
(((((Fiona))))) October is where it all starts for me to. Just…..sigh. I get it. Let’s NOT resort to hurting ourselves with food or lack there of and continue UPWARD this year. That is my prayer for us both.
(I need to say I WTF-ed just reading that paragraph lol. I have like no idea what you are talking about and am glad I do not. Is that for real? That sounds crazy! Run. Or I’ll come snatch ya!)
Hi Missy, thank you for such good advice! And for understanding. And yep – one step at a time. And yep – you are welcome to offer your unsolicited advice any time, about anything. I sure as heck offer you mine all the time lol. I know you mean the best and that’s what matters and you haven’t been far wrong yet!
xx
1. EXACTLY. And yes.. often I stop and think – here I am reaching out and making always more friends, complete strangers, when I find myself struggling to catch up with the ones around me – and that’s sad.
2. So true – it really is nonsense. Life isn’t like that anyway. If Adolf Hitler had been a blogger, that’s probably what his commenters would have been like. “Sun shines out of your a**e, Fuhrer, Sir!”
3. Yep about stop reading blogs that are either totally anonymous or just are depressing. Because it’s not like we don’t have enough depressing stuff in our everyday lives, and it’s not like we have enough people around us to have to decide whether to trust or be wary of already.
I guess a good blanket rule would be – if you don’t feel good about reading or commenting somewhere, DON’T. Don’t even waste time saying THAT to them. Just get outta there. Gotta learn this! Would save a LOT of heartache. I still find my pants smouldering a bit from the flaming wars.
I’m really sorry about you having October problems too. I hope there is some way that in the future both you and I and anyone else who has problems at a certain time – can get through it with a bit less pain each time. A bit less of everything that happens.
And hey, for someone who had no idea what I was talking about, you made more sense than I did. So LOL. Running! Because I don’t doubt you are pretty good at snatching people!!
Thank you for brightening my day, you are awesome
it’s so hard to trust anyone when there’s been so much betrayal. Fiona, I’m always here with a listening ear. I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. Don’t be so hard on your self for what you feel. It’s okay. The fact that you’re feeling is good. The fact that you speaking your truth no matter what others think is good. That’s strength. That’s taking care of you welling up! It’s okay to have an opinion.
I wonder if this person pretending to be ill/dying had munchinhausers??
Lots of love xo
I’m so lucky to have a friend like you, and so grateful – you know the struggles firsthand, and deep from your own battle you still find the courage and the heart to offer your hand and your ear to others. You are so right about feeling being good. And having an opinion. We didn’t allow ourselves and weren’t allowed, to have them for so long. Which wasn’t good at all.
I’ve actually come across a few munchausens by internet cases online – fascinating and horrifying. But this person isn’t that, it’s more someone claiming to be a survivor of shocking abuse, which I know is hard to put out there because it CAN be far more shocking that people think real life can be – but it raises so many red flags with me that I can’t no longer not listen to my gut. I’ve learnt the hard way, as you yourself well know too.
Love you too and so excited for your new blog happening soon! xxx
you too have blessed my life! the situation sounds messy.
sorry you had to deal with that on here too.\
good for you for listening to your gut! it’s necessary.
thank you so much. i’m excited about the new site too!
Trusting people on the Internet is nearly impossible. You don’t know who they are really and that makes it so hard to trust. But you do because in the end, most of them are far away and whatever there issues may or may not be, someone who pretend to be ill/die has serious issues and needs help too. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be annoyed, but they are there for a reason too, and they’re only trying to get the support or attention they need to get by. They need professional help, but quite often are ashamed to realise it.
Don’t beat yourself up for that doubt. That doubt exists about anyone, in real or online life. Something can spark off a reaction in you that brings that doubt to the forefront of your mind and you can shake it. By apologising, you’ve done exactly the right thing.
I really hope you’re ok and that trauma therapy works out for you. You deserve a break from some of the awful things that haunt you.
Feel better x.
Hi Ellie, I totally get you, I totally agree. Someone doing that has BIG issues and is very unwell themselves, just not the way they think they are I guess! And they do need and deserve help! So you are absolutely right.
It is true that if we don’t trust everything and everyone that we can’t see for sure is true, we would never trust! At some point we have to be vulnerable. I guess that’s where listening to your gut feelings and drawing on your past experiences comes in.
Thank you for being so understanding. I’ve been reading your blog but not commenting and thinking of you. xxx
Hi Fiona. I’ve never commented before but I’ve read your blog for ages. Have you ever thought about Meditation? I am talking about Vedic Mantra based meditation. Transcendental Meditation is the most commonly known organization that teaches mantra based meditation in the west. I don’t want to go into it too much here, because I think it’s better to come to it in your own way, but I believe that it could help you so much. There are a lot of studies on how beneficial it can be. I have read accounts of it having major positive impact for soldiers who suffer from PTSD and in my own life it has helped me begin to heal from over a decade of clinical depression and from grief. It is my spiritual practice, and once the technique is learned, you never need anyone else to be able to do it. Its so beautifully simple. I hope that if it sounds like something that might interest you, you will look into it. Wishing you nothing but healing!
Hello! It’s really good to know you have been reading – thank you. And thank you for your advice. I actually have been pretty wary of meditation and all things ‘like that’ for a long time, but that comes from two things mostly – 1. my absolute ignorance on the subject and 2. personal bias because someone who was not a nice person to me, was ‘into’ those things, which to me, made them ‘bad’ or ‘dodgy’. NOT TRUE.
I have nothing to lose by giving them a go, and it’s interesting and exciting to hear that they have helped you with your depression and grief – and I’m really happy for you to hear that!
Some DBT practices that my OT told me about and directed me to learn about have been some of the most helpful things for me so far – things like practising mindfulness in different situations, using Wise Mind, Radical acceptance, etc… I know meditation and mindfulness are completely different things, but the fact that mindfulness worked so well for me does open my mind to meditations. Being aware, being quiet, just being in the moment.. they are things that help me a LOT.
Wishing you happiness and peace, and THANK YOU. I appreciate this advice a lot. xx