The post-festive period is often a time of steep come-down for many people.
For me, lately, it’s been peaks and valleys.
If my life has been a journey, it’s been a rough one.
But that’s made me all the more determined to continue on, to make it through to the end – wherever the end may be.
For all the times I’ve struggled to climb a steep, rocky slope, I’ve slipped down an equally treacherous abyss.
For all the times I’ve realised just how worth living life is, how wonderful and amazing this world is and how much I love those people I am blessed to know, I have been equally as hopelessly lost in a black well of depression. Unable to see but a star in the sky – but I hang on to that star, because it reminds me that there is a way out. And it reminds me to dream. Because dream I do, and dreaming is how I convinced myself I had a reason to live when I was in my rock bottom places.
My dreams used to be high as the sky – there were no limits. I was going to be a dancer, a writer, a veterinarian, a biochemist, an artist.. there truly were no barriers. If I wished to achieve something deeply enough, I worked my guts out at it and I got there. My childhood and adolescent years were heady with the heights of my own successes. I rarely knew failure. I was labelled ‘gifted and talented’.
The hell of home paled when I threw myself into that world.
But there comes a time when the good can no longer block out the effects of the bad, and the nightmare overcame the pleasantness. I no longer was able to become lost in the dreams I worked towards, no longer was able to concentrate, I was only partly there any more. I was dissociated.
Part of me ran away. Flew away. (Still wants to, all the time, today.)
Here I am now. I have incredible difficulty living in the present.
It’s scary to be me. I’m 35. I have nothing to show for it. No hopes. No dreams. They all were lost. Ravaged by what happened. By illness and trauma.
I have never had a job. Never will have a career. My brain is incapable of study. Cannot remember even the basics of stuff I need to know when I need it. Cannot read and enjoy books. Cannot concentrate to paint. Cannot hold a conversaton sometimes.
I will never have a partner or husband, never have children of my own. Never have grandchildren or nephews or nieces. Never play Santa or the Easter Bunny, bake birthday cakes, pick out pretty dresses or play in the garden with my kids. Never take them to school and coach them through their homework. Never be frazzled by tantrums and tears.
I cannot enjoy ballet, cannot enjoy volunteer work, because I spend days flooded with anxiety about just leaving home, getting there, being there, and coming home again. I’m wracked with fear about just doing every day things. I still do them. But enjoy them?
My brain is mush, my heart shattered, my self broken, my body wracked with pain. What is there to live for?
I have no future.
The best I can hope for is to survive. I will never heal completely from the traumas, because there are no options to help me with it here in Australia beyond what I’ve accessed already, and try as I have to help myself, I’ve gotten nowhere.
As a child, I was prisoner of my family.
As an adult, I’m prisoner of my mind. Of my past.
Is it any wonder that all I want is to fly far, far away?
(But I won’t give up. I never have. I never will.)
Discouragement is a part of living I have come to realize and the best thing you can do is break out of it and get moving again. Good Luck:)
You are very wise – and thank you for caring.
I’m sorry that you’re in such pain and torment. I was thinking when I read this that you’re an amazing artist. Can you try just painting? You don’t have to think, it doesn’t have to be perfect, just paint, and find out what comes out! I know you don’t see it but your work is amazing and awe inspiring. I wonder if that might help just a little?
lotsa love, I’m thinking of you Fiona xo
Thank you for caring. I do need to just try. To just do these things despite the anxiety and fear of failure. Because the reality is, If we don’t even try, we HAVE failed. At least trying doesn’t guarantee failure. And trying is never failure anyway.
Thank you so much for reminding me of what I need to do and believeing in me
I’ve been thinking of you, too. Love and hugs xxx
there’s something about painting that just removes you from the pain. it’s not for anyone else but yourself and so if you do paint, have fun with it, don’t worry about how perfect it is or isn’t to you. i hope i didn’t say to much xo
You have never said too much, in fact as usual you are spot on. When I do paint, usually after I get started I drift away and leave the troubles behind. Hours could pass. I need to get back into that again. It doesn’t ahve to be perfect, no. Thank you so much! Love and hugs and hope you are going okay xxx
Wonderful. I can’t wait to hear that you’re painting again. xo
You have such a gift.
Thank you, I hope YOU are still painting too, you have a gift too. We all have something to share
xxx
you’re welcome.
I haven’t painted in a while. The inspirations come and go in phases. i think right now, photography is the phase i’m in…lol
I love your photos!!! And photography is definitely art.
xxx
You’re so kind! xo
I’m doing well thank you for asking.
Oh my dear, You are in a letdown from the holidays for sure..
You still have the spirit to rise above I know because you don’t want to give up and you shouldn’t. Because of how you’re feeling all the ‘never’s’ and ‘won’t's’ and ‘can’t's are in your thoughts…”been there done that”…..
Try to make yourself go back and replace those with ‘will’ and ‘can’ ..with God’s help. You are only 35 and have a lot of living to do still. 35 seems somewhat ‘old’ to you right now to attain some of the dreams or desires of your heart but some of the greatest people attained so much later in life.
I know that you struggle going out to classes and volunteer but you do it..so we must concentrate and ‘pray’ that this will become easier and easier to accomplish and that you will have the joy in doing these things.
Think of things right now that make you feel better…and indulge yourself…. I believe that you are in CBT…hope my memory hasn’t failed me…so you know how to write yourself a letter contradicting your negative thoughts…
But most of all just realize you are special to many…and ‘believe it’ ..and know that there is hope for all your dreams! Feel better my friend..Love Diane xoxoxoxo
Dear Diane, your words have been such a source of inspiration and comfort to me – thank you. You are so right and wise as always – I need to go through all those beliefs and replace the negatives with positives, and replace the beliefs with TRUTHS. You are right, I’m in CBT and applying CBT to all that I’ve written will be my homework
Thank you so much.
And most of all – yes, pray and ask for guidance, and trust.
Thank you for sharing with me the hope that I couldn’t see last night, Diane, I appreciate it so much. Love and hugs xxx
My comments will be short… but I so mean it –
You are ONLY 35.
You are still young. You have SO MUCH healthy life ahead of you. You make strides in your mental and physical health constantly. You will only keep improving.
Don’t give up on yourself before your real, true life has begun.
Hello
Thank you SO MUCH for caring enough to write this. You are right. I have to keep my age in perspective. 35 isn’t even half of our life expectancy. And there are years to do so much in. It’s also a matter of attitude. Thank you so much for the reality check. xxx
Oh love, that’s a lot of ‘nevers’ in one post. Why be so determined in those nevers? If you close off the possibility, you will never see or cease an opportunity that might lead you somewhere. And you know what they say (yeah, never say never, but thats not the one I mean)? Dont dream your life, live your dreams. I mean, you can’t live ALL your dreams, there’s still some re-a-li-taay needed in real life, but there’s so much more possible then we tend to give ourselves credit for. Keep an open mind and an open heart.
Dear Fi,
You may think there’s lots of lost,this pain as hard as it is, is the hardest lesson, is resilience. Only the most compassionate people can GO on as you do. You give me hope,as I’ve read parts of your story, you are moving forward,the hard times,do pass, you do go on , what an inspiration to all those who struggle…sending you lots of compassion for YOU to give YOURSELF. Try to treat yourself as you NEEDED when you were little, maybe ‘little Fiona ‘ needs your wise and insightful self
Take Care, your in my thoughts..
Thank you, so much, for your compassion and your comforting words – and your belief in me. You are right – resilience is something we already have. We HAVE survived. We DO go on, and we CAN.
Feeling discouraged and downhearted is hard, but if I give it so much power I do risk talking myself out of going on. I have a life time’s evidence that I can survive this. A moment’s feeling down can’t outweigh a lifetime’s evidence.
It’s so interesting you mention ‘little Fiona’. I just admitted to my psych yesterday that I feel like a little kid in an adult’s body :/ I was actually really surprised at how freaked out I got just saying those words out loud to her. But it was okay.
Thank you for your support and your encouragement and caring, as you always have. I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you are okay xxx
hey Fi, just wanted to let you know, I’ve only been ‘talking’ to my ‘little’ self in the last eight months, I’ve found it helpful.When I’m in the ‘neg’, ‘attack self’ space, I try to see how mean this is, in relation to a ‘little person’,can get me to REALLY think about ,’what am I saying to myself?!’ Take care!
I’m so glad to hear this! It has always helped me, too, to try and imagine a little kid, any little kid, going through what I went through and then asking myself would I blame them and treat them the way I do myself? It’s pretty grounding for me.
I dissociate, I know that for sure. And I have little ‘me’s and often I feel like it’s rare that there is actually an adult in the drivers seat of my life. But I don’t have DID. It’s confusing.
Thank you for all your care and compassion xxx
Aw, Fi.
I get it. I DO. BUT…I wouldn’t be me if not to say this…
“The best I can hope for is to survive. I will never heal completely ”
When you write that you are denying God — it is a statement of doubt (which is natural of course) AND a denial of Faith.
Fiona, for real, I know that God is our only answer.
I do not suffer PTSD or really much of a painful past but I know that God saves and heals.
Missy, so true. Thank you for reminding me. Again and again I make the mistake of thinking I have to bear all this myself, fight all battles alone, and that it’s MY plans for my life that are important here. I am not alone in any of this. And it’s GOD’s plans for my life that are important – and just because I can’t see them, doesn’t mean He hasn’t plans for me.
It can be so hard to remember this when we are feeling really down, hey? That’s when we need reminders – thank you for being the messenger. xxx
In fact, since I wrote this, I’ve been shown ‘open doors’ in so many places in regards to possibilities for my life, and that it doesn’t have to be ‘meaningless’ at all.
I think when I focus too much inside myself, I get all wrapped up in my problems, and I am blind to what is more important and true, that which is outside of me.
I need to take off my own blinders and put on God’s glasses
Hello Dear Fi,
As I read your post I felt two seeming contradictory things. I felt sad and glad. So sad that it is so hard. And I can relate to a lot of those feelings you are expressing.
But glad that you ARE letting it out. Even if your feelings/thoughts aren’t the deepest truth literally, your FEELINGS are real. So speaking them is totally valid. We shouldn’t suffer this stuff alone. I’m glad you have lots of compassionate people here who listen and offer lots of love to you.
I’m sending hugs.
Dear Gel, thank you so much for all your support. It means a lot to me that you care and that you GET it. It’s so true that we need to let it out. One of the main reasons I have this blog is because I need to air a lot of stuff after having kept it in for a lifetime. I feel so blessed to have a group of really caring readers who let me speak these truths.
So many hugs back to you and thank you xxx
You’re a wonderful writer, and one result of that ability is that you’ve connected with people who care, or at least can relate to your pain. I would continue to follow that path. You never know where it might lead.
I’m glad you won’t give up.
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me.
I am always afraid that one day, despite the fact that I am working on my recovery, it will get out of hands and I will not be able to achieve what life I set out to grab for myself. I have already lost 2 years of tertiary education because of it, and although I will be returning to it in 2014, what if I am not better by then? What if I fall into the same darkness and there is only failure that awaits? I guess this should be a reminder for myself to keep trying my best and working hard to get better.
It’s so easy to lose ourselves under all the ‘what ifs’.. and there are so many ‘what ifs’. I think this is why it’s so vital for us to try and concentrate most of all on right now. Remind yourself of what you are doing right now to fight your disease. Making right now count best you can, means you have the best chance of being well enough to study in 2014. It’s definitely possible. A trap I fell into a lot was getting so scared and discouraged about the future that I allowed myself to use that as a reason to give up, to fall into a slump. In short, I turned my fears into a self-fulfilling prophecy. What happened didn’t have to. But by deciding that I was too scared to go out and do X, and therefore NOT going out and doing X, it meant that I ‘failed’ at X because I didn’t even try. And it just kept on going because the next time I needed to do X, it was even harder.
Good luck. You totally CAN get there xx
Our minds are such powerful things. But the good thing about that is that when we use them to our advantage, the only limits to what we can achieve are our own imaginations
Your blog is amazing & reaches out to those of us who have also experienced trauma & try to get through every day (some more challenging than others!).35 is not too old–you still have a lifetime of experiences & you DESERVE a good life….I have found that when I am not doing well–helping others helps me to get past the fears I have..:)
Hello! It’s really lovely to ‘meet’ you – thank you so much for reading and commenting. I really do hope that people like you might get something helpful out of reading. Because yes, it’s hugely difficult – traumatic – to live through the aftermath of trauma and it never stops, seemingly. We can also be so alone. Not knowing that other people understand it. And maybe not even realising that what we are going through is ‘normal’ and ‘expected’ given what we have survived, and that it’s not something that’s our fault at all. It helps so much to know you are not alone. I hope so much that things get better for you, one step at at time, but surely. Hang in there, you will make it. You have gotten this far already xx
You’re a fighter, my friend. Don’t ever give up!