A very dear friend of mine has a saying:
Sometimes when trudging through the mud, we just gotta sit down, have a rest and take a mud bath!
Life has been a mud bath for me lately. Not physically – although it came close to being. We were extremely lucky in the floods – Brisbane was not hit as hard as expected. Up north in Bundaberg, people lost everything. Just a few streets away from me, the flooding came over my shoulders in depth. So I realise just how lucky I am and am so thankful.
The muddiness of my life is actually an inner thing. I feel like such a mess inside. I’ve been struggling a lot more lately with severe depression, anxiety, fatigue, and with the ED.
I have wanted to give up pretty much every moment of every day for a long time now.
But for some reason, I never do. Maybe I have more hope than I realise. Maybe I’m just stubborn. Maybe I’m crazy! But it ain’t over, til it’s over.
I’m alive. I have the most essential needs to survive – many people don’t even have that.
Roof over my head.
Food to eat, clean water to drink.
I love and am loved. I have close friends with whom I can talk about anything, and who I know are always there for me. I might keep them at arm’s length a lot of the time, but I just need to say the word and they are there for me. I will always be so grateful to have met these amazing people, you know who you are.
I used to be a lone ranger – me against the world, or rather, me and my cat. I never would let people in again. I’d been hurt badly, and trust was something foreign to me. I hated the word ‘hope’ because I believed that in order to be able to hope, you needed to believe that what you hoped for was a possibility – I had no possibilities, no belief, nothing but emptiness and regret. I had no hope.
A lot has changed since then. Mostly it had to do with meeting amazing people and becoming close to them. They loved and accepted me, no matter what. No conditions. As I was – and now, as I am. Their friendship was not “when you are better”, it was “Right now – and every step of the way wherever your journey takes you – I am with you.”
They helped me realise that maybe there was someone in me worth loving. Maybe I could just give myself a chance. And I did.
So here I am now. Alive. And despite it all, I don’t regret that.
So things might be really hard right now, but I know I’m going to be okay.
If you are going through hell, keep on going (Winston Churchill)
I’m sorry I’ve been scarce – and I have a lot of catching up to do with blogs and with comments – but I’m okay, hanging in there. Thank you to those who messaged or emailed me.