I’m 34 and live in Australia with my beautiful cat Shalimar.
I’ve battled anorexia type two, major depression and Complex PTSD for as long as I can remember.
I’ve been hospitalised for the anorexia over 150 times.
I’ve pretty much lost everything.
And then, I had to make a choice – no longer could I stay in the limbo the eating disorder allowed me.
Would I choose to die, let it kill me? Or would I choose to live, take on the hardest challenge I have ever, ever imagined?
I had tried everything to beat this… except one thing – I had not tried LIFE. And I did not want to die to this without the knowledge that I had tired every single way to possibly recover to the best of my ability.
And so,
I chose to Live.
June 1 2012 Update - It is now officially two years since I was last in hospital and two years in which I have actually maintained my weight – the longest time for me in 15 years for either accomplishment.
I’ve been working in physiotherapy for nine months – have most of my ability to physically move around back, am stronger, have learnt to manage the chronic pain, and am close to be given the all clear to begin ballet barre and pilates class!! I never thought I’d dance again!! 
I’ve been working with an agency that works with people who have disabilities and have been out of the jobforce for a long time. I’ve never been actually employed, I’ve been a tireless volunteer worker from my teens up til a few years ago when I was physically then mentally unable to continue. (I’ve worked mostly with homeless people shelters and food vans, with the Red Cross, in libraries and community organisations and loved it 
) I’m now very close to actually being employed for the first time, as a library assistant, and I’m over the moon about this (as well as scared stiff!)
My treatment team tell me to constantly remind myself that I have come a long way, and they are right, I have. I have a long way to go yet, but even a year or two ago I could never have imagined myself here now.
There is always a future worth hoping for. I know this now, I’ve seen glimpses of it, and I’m going to keep fighting
Hi. I’m 34 and live in Lithuania with my two beautiful cats and a BF.
I’ve battled anorexia and bulimia for 15 years.
I wanted to die countless times. Just to vanish, because being alive was too painful.
I chose to Live.
It has been a year since I managed to breake through the disease. Today I’m still learning to be me without my ED. I hope you’ll find your way out too.
Sending you lots of love and hoping to make friends
Hi Greta!! I’m so honored that you are reading my blog and that you have said hello. And I’m so inspired by you – that you have chosen to live and that you have been able to break through that iron door that keeps us from LIFE that is beyond the disease. You sound so much like me in your age and that you have battled both for so long!
I think we will both be good friends. And I’m sure we will both find our way out of this. Most important part of getting there is wanting to get there in the first place
“I had tried everything to beat this… except one thing – I had not tried LIFE.” So true. I know the only thing tat can drag me out of this mess is to get myself into kickstart mode and restart LIVING again, but I just hide from life in shame and guilt. Thank you for reminding me of this.
&Thank you for adding me. Can’t wait to read more.
Love,
Sooz
Hi Sooz, thank you so much for adding ME and for reading. Every friend I have made through this blog has taught me so much, reminded me why I’m fighting, proven to me it’s possible – from wherever they are in their own fight. Living really does seem to be the most useful thing in trying to fight this. The more LIFE we have, the less room there is for ED. And the more we realise we WANT to live. I think the hardest part is the transition in between, the awkward scary bit where you aren’t living yet, but aren’t ‘dying’ any more.. limbo is not comfortable. That’s why we have to keep on going and not turn back to dying again just to end that feeling.
I know you can beat this. I know I can too. Good luck and take care.
Love Fiona xx
Hi Fiona! I’ve found you because I got a message that you’re following my blog.
I’ve just arrived and have to look around a little more, but from my first impression, I think you suffered more than most people can bear. My heart goes out to you, and I hope all the best for you on your journey to discover life.
Hi Kath, thank you so much for reading my blog, I cannot remember who I discovered your blog through but I really liked it so I subscribed. you write so well especially given english is not your first language! I can’t wait to read more
Thank you!
Really proud of you for pushing on with recovery
And as you will know from reading my blog, I adore cats too! xx
cats rock!! And the reason I first took a look at your blog was your name – extra long tail
xx
Hi Fiona. Fighting with anorexia and bulimia, alongside depression amongst other things. Choosing life was what I did recently, but never actually realised until I read your blog. Thank you for being brave and writing of all this.
Hello Natalie!! Thank you for reading my blog. i’m so sorry that you have been through this too, been through so much. I’m SO GLAD to know that you did choose to fight it. You deserve to LIVE, not just exist, but to LIVE. and you can, and will.
*hugs* x
I love this blog and look forward to your posts – thank you for writing and sharing your experiences with us! I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award and linked to your blog from mine. If you want to participate, click here http://mostrecentepisodemanic.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/the-versatile-blogger-award/ for my post and the rules. Congrats!
Thank you!!! I’m so honored! And welcome to, and thank you for visiting, my blog. I’ll come on over and check yours out
Fiona, please, please stop going to Nicole’s blog. Please. I am a 43 year old woman who has not had (fortunately) to deal with an ED, but I have suffered from chronic depression, crippling anxiety, and O.C.D. since the age of 6 or 7 which has caused so much turmoil and stress and I found your blog (through Nicole’s blog), and you seem so intelligent and worthy and capable of a happy life (Nicole is not), and I want that for you and will continue to read your blog and offer your encouragement without judgement. I wish you the best.
Hello Cassandra
I just tried to email you and it could not be delivered – I got a message that your email address doesn’t exist. Please could you email me? shawfl@gmail.com
Thank you
Hi Fiona…I received an award and nominated you as a recipient… here is the link for information http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/posts/
[...] 2.Fiona http://faithandmeow.wordpress.com/about/ [...]
Because you encourage me so much I would like to nominate you for the Reader Appreciation Award …Diane details http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/2012/05/28/reader-appreciation/
Thank you so much Diane
Hi Fiona, I’ve nominated you for the Commentator Award…Thank you so much for your feedback and comments….Diane details at http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/double-scoop/
Fiona,
I came to thank you for coming through my open window and choosing to follow. That was then…this is now. My dear one, I first and foremost, would like to say to you, if you’ll allow a stranger to say such things, that I am so proud of you. You, as you’ve learned since you began your blog, are touching and changing lives. Your capacity for help, empathy, love, and concern is tremendous, inspiring, and very, very, real. If God chose an ambassador to reach those you have touched and continue to touch, he could not have chosen better. As a survivor who could not look herself honestly in the mirror until my 50th year of life, and spent that 1/2 century hiding behind the armor of being everything and anything to others and dead to myself…I am in awe of your courage and your inner strength. AND your will to survive…no, not survive…to live. We can survive and exist, but we don’t always live. If you spend anytime on my site, you will see a different woman than what I describe here…and that is a choice. I, dear heart, chose to bring the ghost of my youth out into the sunlight and show her how to live, love herself, laugh at herself, and more importantly…look in the mirror every single day and tell her I loved her. And you know what? I do, I will, and I will FIERCELY protect this for the rest of my days. I thank God everyday for bringing me to this wondrous world of blogging…for it is here that I learned that my voice is as important as any other, my capacity for love has grown 10 fold, and I AM NOT ALONE. It is the most freeing experience I have ever had…and the most humbling for the love and support that pours out of these pages. Can you imagine…having spent a life of self loathing reaching a place where I can feel humbled by love rather than suspect? I think you can and I think you will find more and more of your inner strength through your words and through those you’ve touched along the way. Continue your journey, believe in yourself, love yourself as no other could, and trust trust trust…that you are changing lives.
Please stay in touch…visit often…and stay FIERCE!
Rhonda
Dear Rhonda, Thank you for such a special comment – I have found a lot of comfort in reading this several times already. It means a lot that you have reached out to me this way. I was on your site last night, laughing at your killer tomato! You have already brought a lot of sunshine to many people’s lives. I love that you have brought sunshine and truth into your heart and known love, laughter, self-respect, LIVED. That inspires me so much – YOU inspire me. And we DO need to protect ourselves fiercely. It’s meeting and making friends with people who are utterly loving and kind and good who are teaching me to learn to love myself instead of loathe myself too.
I will definitely be visiting you often – thank you with all my heart for your special words to me today.
Fiona xx
Fiona,
I am so pleased…and again, so very proud to see the woman you are becoming. Just in this response alone, I see tremendous growth from the beginning of this particular journey. Keeping yourself open to receive what is most generously shared here…support, respect, positive motivation, and love, is a huge step in the right direction. And please believe me when I tell you…what you get here, from all of them, is so much more than words. In my short time doing this, not only have I made ‘cyber’ friends…I have developed real relationships that go beyond the boundaries of the net. Relationships I will cherish and be forever grateful for. It was scary to open myself to all of this, but well, well worth the leap. I believe you will likewise be blessed.
Rhonda
xo
It’s so true, there are people I’ve met online who have become close friends offline too – and who have shared so much with me and I truly feel all the richer for having met them!
Thank you again, for such an amazing comment, I am really looking forward to getting to know you better in time xx
I just found your blog! I love it and shall be following.
By the way I am so impressed with how far you have come. It gives me a lot of hope.
Hello Kate! It’s lovely to meet you and I’m going to check out your blog too. I’m so glad you feel hope – I want so much to share my own hope with others. I still have a long way to go, but now I know I can do it. I hope that everything is getting better for you, too. I love your dog in the picture by the way
xx
I am contacting you as a recovery blogger, hoping that you might be able to help me with something. I’m looking for people who experience their ED or “ED voice” as female to share written reflections (stories, letters, poems, or whatever) based on that personification. I’ve noticed that people in recovery are reluctant to refer to their eating disorders as female, to separate themselves from pro-ana/pro-mia groups. I want to “reclaim” female personifications from the pro-ED camp by publicizing recovery-oriented descriptions of a female ED, to make these descriptions just as much a part of recovery dialogue as the popular (male) “Ed” image. I hope you will consider writing something, and/or share this information with others who might want to contribute. I can be reached at reclaimingana@gmail.com, and more information is available at http://reclaiminganaandmia.blogspot.com/
Hi, this is a very interesting proposal, I never really put much weight (sorry, pun not intended) on whether my ED voice was male or female. Do you think this makes a difference at all in people’s recovery? Sometimes we can get sidetracked by focusing on things that really don’t make any contribution to our recovery and that can enable us to avoid working on what really needs to be focussed on. What do you think?
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Hi Fiona….Guess what….I’ve nominated you for the Illuminating Blogger Award ..Diane details are at http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/illuminating/
you have truly brightened my day, Diane, thank you so much
xx
Wow! You look so much healthier than just a year ago. Keep loving yourself and keep smiling. You deserve to be happy and healthy
Thank you so much
xxx
Hi Fiona, I just nominated your for the ‘Very Inspiring Blog Award’. You deserve it as you are very inspiring. Also congratulations on 2 years hospital free! That’s amazing, and like I said in my post you have come such a long way.
Read about your nomination here:
http://cryinginthebathroom.com/2012/07/08/blog-stats-how-do-i-loathe-thee-let-me-count-the-ways/#more-233
Hello, thank you so much! I’m really touched
Hope you are well xxx
You got nominated for lovely and versatile awards. Check my post
.
http://thewordstheraptureleft.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/nominations/
x.
Oh you are awesomeness. Thank you
xx
Hi Fiona, I have been reading your blogs. It gives me hope that my daughter can and will recover. I m actually going to get my husband to read your blogs as I feel it will give him a better understanding as to what our beautiful daughter is going through. You would be of great value at eating disorder clinics as a mentor or motiviational speaker on recovery. Take care Paula
Hi Paula, I’m glad that you have found reading my blog helpful. That’s the most important thing for me, what I want. To be able to use what I’ve been through to help someone else, even if it’s just one person. It’s been a long hard road for me, but I had no idea what was happening to me even for a while after I was diagnosed with anorexia. Nobody around me had a clue. The few people who suspected it, mostly my own family (who aren’t supportive) thought that I was being a spoilt brat and their taunts ands cruelty and punishments compounded the problem in the early days. I don’t want other people to be so lost and alone in this. Nobody asks to have this – your daughter most likely was predisposed to get an ED, it just takes something in life to trigger it. But she sure didn’t choose it. She’s probably as scared about what’s going on as you are, when she has her moments of clarity. She’s lucky to have parents who love her enough to search the web trying to understand her. Anything you want to ask, any time, I’m here. I hope some day I might be able to do something with people with Eds officially – it’s a good motivation for me. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers xx
[...] Fiona http://faithandmeow.wordpress.com/about/ [...]
Fiona…I had to nominate you for this award…The Best Follower Award…It’s pretty uncomplicated..Diane ..details at http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/surprised-twice/
Oh you are lovely – I don’t feel like your best follower considering I’m still so behind!! I do read all your posts even if I can’t comment and that’s because you always have a message however great or small, that touches me in some way. Thank you so much
xxx
It doesn’t take much to get behind I find…Even if I don’t get to the computer 1 day..by the second day there is so much to catch up…and I feel like I know so many of the bloggers as ‘people’ and even ‘friends’ that I don’t like to pass on reading.
Yes, so right! My email inbox is pretty much chockablock with subscriptions every single day and weeding through them can be overwhelming. I don’t want to miss anyone!
I found you through a mutual blogger, and I am so glad I did. You live only 3 hours down the road from me, but I had to go half way across the world to find you. Which is funny because I had to do the same to find my now husband
I have battled depression, debilitating migraines and CFS almost my entire life. I know all too well what it feels like to want to give up. I have been on medication in the past, but not anymore. I have tried to end my life in the past, but not anymore. Today I live in hope… because hope is all I have. I lost my beautiful kitty a couple of weeks ago. My heart is still very much in pieces. Hold your kitty closely, and treasure every precious moment. So wonderful to find you xxoo
Hi Tracie, it really is a small world. I know which blogger too – Buckwheatsrisk – and you were the blogger who is giving her that beautiful print of the Storey Bridge
It is really funny how life works out. To think you are so close to me now. I’m glad you have found your husband and you have found your purpose in life obviously, your photos are beautiful. I know how hard it is, yes, I’m sorry that you have gone through so much too and hope so much that you can hang on. Sometimes that’s all we can do. I’m glad you are still here. Obviously we are meant to be.. sometimes we can’t figure out the reason, either, it just has to be. It’s hard that some people have to go through so much pain. I hope so much you hang on tight because you deserve to come out the other side and really live life free of it.
My heart goes out to you for having lost your kitty, I really am so sorry. I couldn’t cope at all without mine, I would be shattered. I wish I could hug you right now. You are right they are precious, and it’s such a pity we only really have them for a moment – angels on loan. I still cry over my first cat I lost at 16 – that’s a long time ago. *HUGS* you are special and I’m glad to have met you. If you ever want to talk more my email is shawfl@gmail.com Hang in there xxx
Thank you so much and I so look forward to reading more of your posts… you are obviously such a beautiful soul. xxoo
Hi I saw your post on Talin’s blog straight after mine which said pretty much the same and I decided to pop pver and check you out and am glad I did so although given the number of WP friends I see here already i am amazed I have not ended up here before. I look forward to reading more about you and your journey
Hi Paula, great to meet you! Thank you for coming over here. I’ll check your blog out too, tomorrow though as it’s 12.20am here
I think meeting new people on WordPress is definitely the silver lining of Talin’s blog! Looking forward to talking more with you
That’s an amazing journey, Fiona. Wow, I am truly amazed at how you cope with it. Nice meeting you here and I hope all is well with you and the new job!
Subhan Zein
Thank you so much, Subhan – it’s lovely to meet you too and I’m looking forward to getting to know you
[...] Fiona commented on my last post about writing down my feelings when I eat. I thought it would be [...]
[...] 4. http://faithandmeow.wordpress.com/about/ Fiona is such an inspiration to all those with eating disorders and the personal reasons that are part of it. She has written and given so much information and first hand experience about this terrible disorder. She has been through so much in her life and yet has struggled and persevered through unimaginable circumstances almost losing her life to the point she is optimistic about her future now! [...]
Fiona….I have nominated you for the Blog of the Year Award….because of so many reasons..you may choose not to do the process of the Award and that’s okay. The link to the post is http://faithandmeow.wordpress.com/about/ Diane
You are so kind – so very kind. Thank you! I’m utterly honored, Diane. xx
Hey Fiona, my friends boyfriend is doing password protected blog posts now, i’m not sure if i have your email address or not? would you like the password?
I would love love love this please. You do have my email, it’s the one I use for commenting on your blog
xxx
great i sent it via FB for you.
Thank you :O) I’ll have a look tonight! Glad she’s not letting his abuse and stalking stop her. Constantly awed at the courage in people I meet here. Hope you are okay!! xxx
she hasn’t been blogging her BF is…i really hope she finds it in herself to start again. xo
Me too. xxx
Fiona… I don’t know if you’re able to help but could you look at this post… Diane
http://terry1954.wordpress.com/2013/02/16/please-help-if-you-can/
Sorry I didn’t see this before, of course I will try. And thank you for the warning xxx
Fiona..I just thought …maybe this would be too triggering for you so please don’t feel obligated….Diane
[...] Fiona at faithandmeow. Fiona is a young woman who has struggled with Eating Disorder but who has fought and persevered [...]