Happy Easter my blogging friends! I hope you are having a special Easter week, spending time with loved ones, spending precious you-time doing you-things.. just feeling peaceful and happy as possible.
Public holidays are excruciating for me usually. They are minefields of triggers, memories.. I cannot go through the lead up to and the actual holidays of Easter or Christmas without feelings of nostalgia cloaked with regret, fear, sadness.. and MISSING OUT. Do any of you feel that MISSING OUT feeling? Like I’m left out, stuck outside, peering in windows? I do.
But this Easter I’m not missing out! To start it off, the Easter Bunny came to me when I was out – I came home to find this outside my door! One of my case managers had thought of me, such a lovely thing to do.
This Easter has been the best in memory so far, just from yesterday and today. I jumped on a train and bus for a couple of hours yesterday with my friend M, and we went to the beach!!
We had a lunch of sushi at a nearby sushi train-style store. I can never stop watching those trains go round and round. I’m glad I’ve never been to one by myself – there is so much temptation to just eat and eat and eat – graze all day. I match my friend bite for bite – we select a plate and halve what is on it, and stop before we are full. I love sushi because the flavours really pop in your mouth, and it encourages me to eat very slowly and savour each mouthful – the way we should eat. I love how pretty sushi is, especially fish roe. It always makes me think of tiny little coloured beads that you make friendship bracelets from and I love the little bursts of flavour in your mouth.
We stacked up the plates! And yes, I was thinking of Nicole, though I’m aware that she would have had brown rice. I think it’s quite rare to find brown rice sushi here.. I’ve never seen it myself. I would love it. I love brown rice, it’s nutty, there is something to chew – and yes, white rice is scarier for me.
Today, it was such a lovely day. I wanted badly to go swimming again – and I asked M to meet me at the pool – something I couldn’t do a few short weeks ago. We spent a lovely couple of hours there – and I’m totally exhausted now, but happy. Very happy.
Easter for me, is not just about Christ rising from the dead, after dying for our sins on the cross. It means HOPE. It means RENEWAL. And that’s deeply personal and encouraging for me. I have been going through my own times of re-finding hope and being renewed over just the last few years, and every single day I’m thankful. Every single day.
I appreciate my life so very much. Today for example, I was very aware of the water’s contact with my arms and legs as I swam, of the coldness of it, and it’s resistance. Of floating and sinking. I felt the warmth of the sun on my back as we lay on towels. I felt the grass underfoot, bouncy and springy. The breeze and the freshness of it. The chlorine tang to it from the water. And I loved walking home from the station last night – it was dark and I could see the stars. The moon is nearly full. I passed suburban family homes. I could hear crickets chirping.
I feel at home. Where I’m meant to be right now. I feel at peace in the present. if only the past will leave me alone – but right now is lovely, and that makes it easier to bear.
Focussing on what is positive and wonderful – has been my lifesaver. One of my lifesavers, anyway.
I hope you have a wonderful easter – all of you – whatever your beliefs may be, and that you can see some renewal and hope in your own lives too.
Ears or tail first?