Un-Mother’s Day

It’s another Mothers Day. Another year has passed. And here we are.

I am now the furthest thing from her child. And she is the furthest thing from my Mum.

Mother’s day is always hard for me, as is her birthday, Christmas, Easter, New Years… It’s hard to not pick up the phone and give her a call. I was tempted to do that today, to just say “Happy Mother’s Day” and put the phone down again.

But it wouldn’t have been that simple. She would have picked and picked. Guilted me. Asked me why I hadn’t been calling, where I had gone to, why I was such a selfish daughter, etc etc etc. Gone out of her way to upset me in her various ways. Bragged and gossiped and snarked. And then bragged and gossiped and snarked about me to the rest of the family no matter how little I’d actually said to her.

And I would have been all stirred up again. Memories would have overwhelmed me, anger, sadness, deep hurt… it’s taken me a long time to get her more out of my mind than she’s ever been, I would have been picking the scar off that wound.

Mum gave me the gift of my love of reading, writing, my good speech that confuses people when they learn that I’m deaf. Mum gave me the gift of ballet. But she also taught me to hate myself, hate my body. That I wasn’t worthy of her or the world at all. She taught me starvation and a screwed up relationship with food.

She neglected me, allowed me to be abused, indirectly caused a lot of the bullying I endured. She left me floundering in many ways, and unsafe in far too many others – knowingly. The hurt that she’s caused me – cannot be undone, cannot be forgotten. I’ve long forgiven her. But I cannot allow myself to forget, to go back and try yet again to have a relationship with her because she will never love me or accept me. She only knows how to hurt and be toxic.

Being hurt and rejected by your own Mother hurts. It’s taken a long time to start to come to terms with it and become accepting of it. To start to refute all the faulty beliefs and messages she’s indoctrinated  me in over a lifetime.

I’m creating my own family now. I will never have a mother, not one like I crave, but I have good, dear, close, loving friends. Friends who have loved and accepted me more than my own family ever did, despite my flaws, instead of criticising me and hurting me and being conditional about when they might just accept me.

This year I just slept today, tried to block it all out. But my goal next year is to create a new special good memory for Mother’s day, like I have with Christmas and Easter already.

Happy Easter – It’s Better To Light A Candle Than Curse The Darkness.

Happy Easter my blogging friends! I hope you are having a special Easter week, spending time with loved ones, spending precious you-time doing you-things.. just feeling peaceful and happy as possible.

Public holidays are excruciating for me usually. They are minefields of triggers, memories.. I cannot go through the lead up to and the actual holidays of Easter or Christmas without feelings of nostalgia cloaked with regret, fear, sadness.. and MISSING OUT. Do any of you feel that MISSING OUT feeling? Like I’m left out, stuck outside, peering in windows? I do.

But this Easter I’m not missing out! To start it off, the Easter Bunny came to me when I was out – I came home to find this outside my door! One of my case managers had thought of me, such a lovely thing to do.

My garden was starting to falter - the earth was too dry and lacking in nutrients. Now it's going to BLOOM. The flowers are Sweet Peas!

This Easter has been the best in memory so far, just from yesterday and today. I jumped on a train and bus for a couple of hours yesterday with my friend M, and we went to the beach!!

I even actually went swimming in the surf! It was exhilarating - and exhausting.

We had a lunch of sushi at a nearby sushi train-style store. I can never stop watching those trains go round and round. I’m glad I’ve never been to one by myself – there is so much temptation to just eat and eat and eat – graze all day. I match my friend bite for bite – we select a plate and halve what is on it, and stop before we are full. I love sushi because the flavours really pop in your mouth, and it encourages me to eat very slowly and savour each mouthful – the way we should eat. I love how pretty sushi is, especially fish roe. It always makes me think of tiny little coloured beads that you make friendship bracelets from and I love the little bursts of flavour in your mouth.

Fish roe is so very pretty.

We stacked up the plates! And yes, I was thinking of Nicole, though I’m aware that she would have had brown rice. I think it’s quite rare to find brown rice sushi here.. I’ve never seen it myself. I would love it. I love brown rice, it’s nutty, there is something to chew – and yes, white rice is scarier for me.

Today, it was such a lovely day. I wanted badly to go swimming again – and I asked M to meet me at the pool – something I couldn’t do a few short weeks ago. We spent a lovely couple of hours there – and I’m totally exhausted now, but happy. Very happy.

I'm also ready to nosh down in a very traditional way.. one question - ears first or tail?

Easter for me, is not just about Christ rising from the dead, after dying for our sins on the cross. It means HOPE. It means RENEWAL. And that’s deeply personal and encouraging for me. I have been going through my own times of re-finding hope and being renewed over just the last few years, and every single day I’m thankful. Every single day.

I appreciate my life so very much. Today for example, I was very aware of the water’s contact with my arms and legs as I swam, of the coldness of it, and it’s resistance. Of floating and sinking. I felt the warmth of the sun on my back as we lay on towels. I felt the grass underfoot, bouncy and springy.  The breeze and the freshness of it. The chlorine tang to it from the water.  And I loved walking home from the station last night – it was dark and I could see the stars. The moon is nearly full. I passed suburban family homes. I could hear crickets chirping.

I feel at home. Where I’m meant to be right now. I feel at peace in the present. if only the past will leave me alone – but right now is lovely, and that makes it easier to bear.

Focussing on what is positive and wonderful – has been my lifesaver. One of my lifesavers, anyway.

I hope you have a wonderful easter – all of you – whatever your beliefs may be, and that you can see some renewal and hope in your own lives too. 

Ears or tail first?