1995. My first year in the dance program at university. My first year away from home. My first exposure to independance, choice, food on my own terms, money, drugs and drink and consensual sex and staying up all night and making my own rules. (And yet, so controlled was I, that I still found myself unable to break their rules.)
I was so, so alone and lost and scared. I’d ditched an abusive family for an unstable existence where I straight away fell into the arms of the next abuser.
My eating was terrible. My dancing was beginning to fail, after the achievements of the last year at the full time dancing school attached to our state ballet company, I was now on a downward slide – puffy, self conscious, not confident, dizzy, slow, lethargic, heavy. I lost it.
I could no longer leave my problems at the door of the dance studio. I could no longer leave them anywhere.
The next few years were the most miserable of my entire life.
Wandering in the university library searching for ballet videos, I found a CD (I decided to include a link here for those of you who have never used a CD… I’m getting old!) - of Brahm’s Second Piano Concerto – borrowed it, and was instantly obsessed. This music speaks to my soul. And since those years, I’ve forgotten what it was called, searched for it on Youtube, found multitudes of second piano concertos – but they were wrong.
Tonight I stumbled on my beloved Brahms again.
I love the whole thing, but the third and fourth movements are my favourites – the whole concerto tugs at my heart.